The Dealership

When are they gonna have the flying cars? Yeah, they have been promising that. Years. When we were kids it seemed like it was around the corner.

I think Ed Begley Jr. has one. No, that's just electric.

The government is very touchy about us being in the air. Let us run on the ground much as we want. Anything in the air is a big production.

Would you stop it? You'll have plenty of time to destroy it after I get it.

Hey, George, I'm buying this car. What is wrong with you? You never tell them you like the car.

That vein again.

Easy move. Go from screwing you behind your back... to screwing you right to your face.

They stick you with the undercoating, rustproofing, dealer prep. Suddenly you're on your back like a turtle.

Next thing I know, I'm getting dropped off in a Le Car with a fabric sunroof. All the kids are shouting at me, 'Hey, Le George. Bonjour, Le George. Let's stuff Le George in Le Locker.'

Maybe I should talk to him. Oh, I don't think so. No, he's an entertainer. You know, all over the place. That's where I come in. I see. So you're his manag...? Neighbour. That's right.

Look at these salesmen. The only thing these guys fear is the walkout. No matter what they say, you say: 'I'll walk out of here right now.' Can I help you with something? Hold it. One more step and we're walking!

My new salesman boyfriend took me out to celebrate his promotion. Oh, where'd you go? To a restaurant. Arby's.

I had the roast beef.

So I decided I'm gonna go with a 900 convertible. All right, classic. High-five.

Well, it's a test drive, right? I never drive around here. If I'm gonna recommend this car... I need to see that it'll handle my daily routine. Well, where're we going? Just a little place I like to call 'You'll See.'

If you have to speak, mumble. Au revoir, Le George. Don't think it can't happen.

Puddy, this is a pretty good move for you. No more grease monkey. I don't care for that term. Oh, sorry, I didn't know. I don't know too many monkeys who could take apart a fuel injector.

I saw one that could do sign language. Yeah, I saw that one. Koko. Yeah, Koko. Right. Koko. That chimp's all right. High-five.

Hey, hey, hey. What's going on here? You didn't agree to anything. No, we both just saw the same monkey.

Hey, where's Puddy? The copy machine is broken. That's what they want you to think.

Slapping hands is the lowest form of male primate ritual. In fact, some of them have moved on. They're doing sign language now. It's that bad? What do you think the Nazis were doing? That was the heil-five.

Isn't that from your act, like, 10 years ago? It was a good bit in the '80s, and it's still relatable today.

Good news, we got a 900 in black. That's the hot colour. High-five.

When your wallet was open, I glanced inside... and I couldn't help but notice that you have several crisp dollar bills. You're incorrect.

I guess everyone here enjoys giving the old scroogie, huh? You're all doing a hell of a job.

Hey, ladies. It's a Saab 900. What do you think? Can I interest you in a little supplemental restraint?

People drop change down here, Jerry. And they're too lazy to pick it up. Either that or they've got a weird little hang-up about lying face down in filth.

He's got a live one. He's just reeling this big fish in.

Hey, could I have my dollar back? It's wrinkled. It's worthless.

Well, just one more errand and we can head back. Actually, it looks like we're gonna need some gas. Well, how much gas you think is in there right now? Well, it's on E.

Hey, it's gone. Where is my Twix? That guy's eating it. How do you know that one's yours? It was dangling. There were two left in the machine. He must have bought one and gotten both.

High-five. On the flip side. David, l... Don't leave me hanging.

You're a salesman now. The high-five is... It's very grease monkey. What did I tell you about that? I'm sorry. But the high-five is just so stupid. Oh, yeah? I'll tell you what's stupid. You, stupid.

High-five, on the flip side.

Keys? How are you gonna start it?

First of all, it wasn't a Twix. It was a 5th Avenue bar. You must think I'm pretty stupid. That's no 5th Avenue bar. I can see the crumb in the corner of your lip. Now, that is a cookie and we all know that Twix is the only candy bar with the cookie crunch.

Nougat? Please. I think I've reached a point in my life where I can tell between nougat and cookie. So let's not just say things that we both know are obvious fabrications.

You know you're getting a little vein there? I know about the vein. This guy.

There's no law in this place. Anything goes. It's Thunderdome.

Well, I almost did once and I blacked out. When I came to the car was in a ditch and the tank was full. I don't know who did it. And I never got to thank them.

George. Vein it up.

I'm starving. I can feel my stomach sucking up against my spine.

Oh, I never felt so alive. All right, I'm satisfied. We better get some gas. What? Well, we can't stop now. What do you mean? We have to keep going to the dealership. That was the plan.

Let's just go for it like Thelma and Louise. They drove to a dealership? No, they drove off a cliff.

You are one sick mama. I like it.

You know, just that you cared enough to call means so much, Jerry.

Yeah, right. I'm gonna get my car repaired at a dealership. Why don't I just flush my money down the toilet?

I caught him and his face was covered in chocolate and cookie crumbs. I thought you said it was a Twix? Oh, it was. But he claimed it was a 5th Avenue bar. Maybe it was. Oh, no. No. Twix is the only candy with the cookie crunch.

All I want is my 75 cents back, an apology, and for him to be fired.

Twix has too much coconut. No, there's no coconut! I'm allergic to coconut. I'm not.

Clearly, no one else can stand to be with either one of you. I guess. Good point.

Now, what do I have to do to put you two in a relationship today?

When that car rolls into that dealership and that tank is bone-dry, I want you to be there with me when everyone says, 'Kramer and that other guy... they went farther to the left of the slash than anyone ever dreamed.'

That took you an hour? Only I hold the answer key to their true candy identities.

Hey, Willie, check it out, free candy. That's my candy lineup. Where are my cards? They're all on the floor.

Like, eight Twix? No. Hey, this Clark bar is good. It's a Twix. They're all Twix. It was a setup. A setup, I tell you. And you've robbed it. You've all screwed me again.

Twix!

We did it. We pulled it off. I can't believe it. Where's the needle? Oh, it broke off, baby.

You couldn't just give him one high-five? And where does it end? Then everyone's doing it. It's like the wave at ball games. Air quotes. The phrase, 'Don't go there.' Someone's gotta take a stand.

I don't know. All of them, they're all crooks. I couldn't get all different candy bars anyway.

A nickel.