The Maid

Is this the suicide talk, or the nickname talk?

George. What is that? It's nothing. It's got no snap. No zip.

You mean like 'Liza.'

But there's no T in your name. What about G-Bone?

There's no G-Bone. / There's a G-Spot. / That's a myth.

Why did they hire you for a rodeo? / They heard I opened for Kenny Rogers once.

Didn't he throw you off a bus in the middle of Alabama? / Oh, I had that coming to me.

You don't have to whisper. She knows she's a maid.

Notice what? She's not really even a maid. She wants to be an actress... or a model or a dancer... or a newswoman. / Newswoman.

Different Gap, different Tower Records.

I was a 718 when I first moved here. I cried every night.

There's a lot of stuff in my apartment I've never seen. / Then maybe you have a fax machine. / You just blew my mind.

Well, I am just a T-bone kind of guy. Love that T-bone. In fact, you might as well call me... / That sounds good. / I'll have one too.

T-Bone. T-Bone. T-Bone. T-Bone. T-Bone. T-Bone.

You have 57 messages. Message one. [beep] Message two. [beep] Message three. Hey, it's George. Listen, I... Message four. [beep]

You're paying a woman to come to your house and sleep with you. / No. I pay her to clean. The rest is... / What? A health plan?

I was going to say, being a good host.

Well, there's nothing more sophisticated than diddling the maid and then chewing some gum.

Well, I signed up for a food delivery service, 'Now We're Cooking.' It's a play on words.

I wonder if anyone knows he's here. If he just disappeared... would anybody notice?

You know, I could have killed you and no one would have known. / I could have killed you, and no one would have known.

Jerry, you know this comes on at the same time here as it does there? / Really? It's Tuesday here. What day is it there?

Because Neil Watkins from Accounting is T-Bone.

I've done that. / Did you ever eat an ostrich burger? / No.

It's the same as 212, they just multiplied it by three. And then they added one to the middle number.

Boy, look at George, just giving it to T-Bone. He's jumping up and down like some kind of monkey.

From now on, I will be known as... Koko, the monkey.

Koko. Koko. Koko. Koko...

Quick question... did she by any chance have a 212 phone number?

You're a john.

Once she pinched my ass... but I don't know what that was.

I got a 212 number from this little old lady in my building, Mrs. Krantz. / She didn't mind? / No, she died.

Newman died? / What did he say? / Some new kind of pie.

Double zero? / It's 'oo.' As in:

All sealed up in here, emotionally unavailable? Paying scrubwomen for sexual favours? No. Jerry. I won't be like you. Never. I'll never be like you.

Hold on. Let's keep this sophisticated.

Do you hate me because of my lazy eye?

How can the same street intersect with itself? I must be at the nexus of the universe.

stay alive. No matter what occurs, I will find you.

Bobby, you gotta stop calling your gammy. / Why? / Because sometimes you call very early in the morning when Gammy has been out late the night before. And sometimes when Gammy's not alone.

I'm dead now. Gotta go.

Well, this is all very sophisticated.

We can't have two Cocos. / So I guess you're back to being George.

What did you say about my gammy? / Forget Gammy. / Who's Gammy? / There's no Gammy. / Maybe there should be a Gammy.

Gammy. Gammy. Gammy. Gammy. Gammy. Gammy. / Gammy's getting upset.