The Chronicle (1)

Nine years. Seems like a long time, doesn't it? It is.

Except for summer... where nothing seemed to happen for months at a time.

Do you ever get the feeling like you had a haircut, but you didn't have one?

What kind of lives are these? We're like children. We're not men. No, we're not. We're not men. We're pathetic, you know that? Like I don't know that I'm pathetic.

I was in the pool!

Since when do you smoke? I've always smoked. I've never seen you smoke. Oh, yeah, well. Big smoker.

That's why I'm different. I can sense the slightest human suffering. Are you sensing anything right now?

Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning? I like to get the Daily News.

Every group has someone that they all make fun of. Like us, with Elaine.

You're bald! No, I'm not. I was bald.

Stella!

Now, don't you two see that you're in love with each other?

Kramer goes to a fantasy camp. His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down $2000 to live like him for a week. Do nothing. Fall ass-backwards into money. Mooch food off your neighbors... and have sex without dating. That's a fantasy camp.

No boxers, no Jockeys. The only thing between him and us is a thin layer of gabardine.

I'm out there, Jerry, and I'm loving every minute of it.

Yeah, and you're an anti-dentite. I am not an anti-dentite. You're a rabid anti-dentite.

I think I'm pretty much like you. Only successful.

Give me your home number and I'll call you later. Well, I'm sorry, we're not allowed to do that. I guess you don't want people calling you at home. No. Well, now you know how I feel.

Jerry. Kill me. Kill me now. I'm begging you.

What percentage of people would you say are good-looking? 25 percent. 25 percent? No way. It's, like, four to six percent. It's a 20-to-1 shot.

Have you been to the motor vehicle bureau? It's a leper colony there.

Then how are all these people getting together? Alcohol.

We have to have sex to save the friendship. Sex to save the friendship.

Eight dollars? Eight dollars? What are you doing? You're robbing me? I wasted my whole morning on you for $8?

All right, how often do we do it? Kramer, how is that important? Do you really think he's gonna ask that? Elaine, he's a psychiatrist. They're interested in stuff like that.

All right, all right. We do it five times a week. Oh, baby. Oh, man.

You know. Pleasuring you. It feels like aliens poking at my body.

So you think you're spongeworthy? Yes, I think I'm spongeworthy. I think I'm very spongeworthy.

Because if you don't get that return... that's a pretty big matzo ball hanging out there.

What, you've never said it? Once, to a dog. He licked himself and left the room.

Let me ask you this. Is there any Tampax in your house? Yeah. Well, I'll tell you what you got here. You got yourself a girlfriend.

Listen to this. Marcy comes over and she tells me... that her ex-boyfriend was over late last night... and, 'yada, yada, yada, I'm really tired today.' What do you think she was tired from? Well, obviously the yada, yada.

But you yada, yada'd over the best part. No, I mentioned the bisque.

The only sex you're gonna have better than make-up sex... is if you're sent to prison and you have a conjugal visit. Yeah, conjugal visit sex. That is happening.

You see, right now, I have relationship George. But there is also independent George. That's the George you know. The George you grew up with. Movie George. Coffee shop George. Liar George. Bawdy George.

A George divided against itself cannot stand!

She had man hands.

She just dislikes me so much. It's irresistible.

Let me understand. You got the hen, the chicken and the rooster. The rooster goes with the chicken. So who's having sex with the hen?

That's perverse.

Why don't you just tell me the name of the movie you selected?

No soup for you! Come back, one year.

I don't even really work here. That's what makes this so difficult.

Why do they call it Ovaltine? The mug is round. The jar is round. They should call it 'Roundtine.' That's gold, Jerry. Gold.

If a woman can take your presence... for more than 10 seconds, you should hang onto her like grim death. Which is not far off, by the way.

Perhaps there's more to Newman than meets the eye. No, there's less.

Oh, the humanity!

So you're still master of your domain? Yes. Yes, I am.

He took it out.

They just write it off. Write it off what? Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything. You don't even know what a write-off is. Do you? No, I don't. But they do. And they're the ones writing it off.