The One Amigo

Bender:Step away from the car and no one gets hurt! Ow! To the employment cave!

Amy:Whoa, whoa, there, girl. Go on now! Get on back to Paraguay!

Leela · Fry:We're being eaten by a giant spider! There's no time for that! The Professor needs us!

Fry:What is it?! I'm on the edge of my butt!

Professor · Bender:soda machine! (all cheering) You undersold it, Professor!

Fry:Look, it has Slurm Loco! It's the extremiest!

Bev:Hey, what can I get y'all?

Bev:Y'all can't drink at work! This ain't a sawmill!

Bev:I call myself 'Bev.' And if you're looking for a smelly old can of booze, go look in the mirror.

Fry:And one more to wash that Slurm taste out of my mouth.

Bender:I was wondering who Shrekked in the toilet.

Bev:Cut me some slack, preacher. I'm just a coal grinder's daughter trying to stay off the pole.

Bev:With that big ol' caboose, it'd have to be a telephone pole!

Bev · Bender:Well, I guess a fella's gotta talk big when he's sportin' a little shriveled-up antenna like that. What?! For your information, 'madam,' it's a grower, not a show-er!

Bender:My antenna's fine. It's just fine. Ladies can't get enough Bender.

Bender:Call me old-fashioned, but I like a little romance in an orgy.

Fry:Just sitting here turning quarters into urine.

Robot prostitutes:We don't gotta put up with this. We got Poli Sci degrees.

Robot prostitute:Hot. I could bake a potato in my cleavage.

Bev:I ain't makin' drinks for no trashy robo-sluts.

Robot prostitute:Trashy? At least I don't put out for quarters.

Bender:All right, I've been waiting all day for an excuse to hit a lady.

Bev · Bender:You try it, and I'll bash your face in. Ooh, I'm so scared, No-Arms.

Leela:You're glowing like the Human Torch on prom night.

Leela:Shouldn't you be standing on a rocky coast somewhere preventing shipwrecks?

Fry:Nice, hate me because of the brightness of my skin.

Fry:You okay, ma'am? I think your soda water broke.

Fry:My God! Bev just had a baby in my cup!

Leela:Aw, he's so cute. Wait. No, he isn't.

Ben:Wipe my tiny metal ass!

Amy:Ugh! In public?

Bender:Are you telling me the stuff we did in private, and also twice on the sidewalk, made a baby robot? How?!

Bender:No. She was a religious fundamentalist. Plus she didn't have a mouth. It's an unusual combination.

Leela · Everyone:No one here will laugh at you for not knowing where robot babies come from. (all laughing) We don't know either.

Bender · Narrator:Hey, he looks like me! His hideous appearance is a by-product...

Narrator:After beer and hot wings at a local gas station, the two enjoy intimate time behind a Dumpster.

Narrator:The best he can do is Francine. (buzzer sounds)

Narrator:Let's watch, aroused, as Gerald's antenna uploads a binary file to Francine's internal drive.

Narrator:Except masturbation. That's just wrong.

Leela:Relax, Bender. No one would let you near a child. Bev will get custody, and you'll be a deadbeat Dad who never even bothers to know his own son.

Bender · Leela:(sniffles): You really think so? I know so. You're absolutely horrible in every way. You're sweet, Leela.

Bender · Hermes:So here's my certificate of abandonment drawn up by our notary! That'll be ten bucks.

Bev:Damn baby's drivin' me crazy! He won't stop giggling no matter how much I scream at him!

Bev:I still got womanly needs! Who's gonna look twice at me with this dirty leech hangin' off my dairy nozzle?

Bender:I left my window open, and moths got in. I swear, if I wasn't such a great Dad, I'd grab his ugly little neck and...

Bender:Ben'! Ben'! He loves bending, just like me. Aw, I'm gonna call him Ben... after the first half of me... Bender.

Ben · Bender:Bend it like it called you poo-poo-face! It called me what?!

Bender · Ben:- Leela was wrong! - Leela was wrong!

Ben:But my mommy had no arms! Does that mean I can never be a bender?

Professor:I hate to crush a boy's dreams, but what the heck.

Bender · Professor:Don't tell my son what he can and can't do! You may know what's in his head, but you don't know what's in his heart! - There's no slot in there either. - I said shut up!

Ben:I'd like to thank the Preacherbot for the introduction and also for not circumcising me again, am I right? Twice was enough.

Bender:(sniffs) I could take him or leave him.

Bev · Hermes:I'm back for my son! I've come to take him and leave with him! She beat you to both things.

Bev · Bender:Well, I'm still less unfitter than you. - Says who?! - Says this document you gave me when you tried to abandon Ben first!

Bender:That doesn't prove I'm an unfit parent! I was drunk and violent when I signed that!

Bender:For a guy who's not too bright, you're too damn bright! Now, get out! And don't come back until someone finds a use for a million-watt idiot!

Bender:That's it, Fry! For a guy who's not too bright, you're too damn bright! Now, get out! And don't come back until someone finds a use for a million-watt idiot!

Ben · Bev:Mom, will I ever get to see Dad again? No, he died yesterday. Rust monsters ate his face. Sweet dreams!

Smitty:You're under arrest for kidnapping and burning raccoons without a permit!

Bender · Ben:- There's a dam! - Damn! - There's a grate! - Great!

Ben · Bender:Yeah, this ain't gonna happen. Is that even necessary?

Leela:I'm amazed someone who dispenses such warm soda, could be so coldhearted!

Leela:I'm gonna buy a drink just so I can throw it in your face!

Fry · Bev:You got knocked up by a police officer while he was looking for your kidnapped child? Sure did! I still got it.

Bender:Damn it, I love that little guy so much! I'd sacrifice any four of you if it would help him bend even a little!

Professor:He'd be able to bend, but he'd lose all his memories. He wouldn't even remember who you are.

Ben · Bender:Dad, are you crying? No! I said with the mouth you're looking at.

Ben · Professor:I never knew my father. It's not important.

Bender · Fry:It's just not possible to get you to bending school this year. Or is there?