The Chinese Woman

The thing I admire about the Chinese is they're hanging in there with the chopsticks. Because if you think about it, they've seen the fork by now.

Thousands of years ago, Chinese farmer gets up, has his breakfast with the chopsticks, goes out and works all day in the field with a shovel. Hello? Shovel? Not going out there plowing 40 acres with a couple of pool cues.

Good shave today. Don't worry, I can manage these bags. Really, I'm fine.

A long-talker. Yeah. He is so boring. Now whenever he answers the phone, I just hang up.

Hey, isn't that George's father? Oh, yeah, it is. Should we say hello? I've never seen him in Manhattan before. It's weird. It's so out of context.

That man he's with... is he wearing a cape? I believe he is wearing a cape.

Why is Mr. Costanza with a man in a cape? Well, it is good cape weather. Cool, breezy. Why a cape? Who wears a cape? Where do you even get a cape?

In fact, let's cross to the other side of the street. Cover me.

Hey, it's George. I got nothing to say.

Should've talked. I love Chinese women. Isn't that a little racist? If I like their race, how can that be racist?

You know, I dig Asian women.

I thought you wore silk underwear. No. I wore them for a month, but I couldn't stick with it. I need the secure packaging of Jockeys. My boys need a house.

My first date ever with the Pacific Rim. I'm very excited.

You never slipped one past the goalie in all these years?

You've slept with a lot of women. A lot of women!

But what if I am? I'm the last male Kramer. We're facing extinction.

Into a cup in the middle of the day? What, does that conflict with your regular schedule?

She's Chinese, so you suggest Chinese food? She suggested it. I thought Chinese don't eat Chinese. She's very assimilated.

You can't get one ring past him.

Why was he wearing a cape? Was my father wearing a cape? No, jacket and tie. No cape.

Why a cape?

Are you planning to start a family? Yes, I would like to very much. I'm low, aren't I? I can feel it.

It's over. The Kramer name is finished. I'm never gonna procreate, huh?

All the time? All the time. You have to get off Jockeys right away. But I've always worn Jockeys.

Yeah, I'm calling from a car phone, so I don't really have time to talk. Well, yes, it has been unseasonably cool lately. Yeah, I tip 20 percent too.

Lookit, Paul, the car seems to be running out of gas so I'm gonna have to get off the phone.

I secondhand smoke two packs a day.

You're Donna Chang? Did you think I was Chinese? No. What, you mean because of the 'Chang'?

Actually, the family name wasn't originally Chang. I didn't think so. Used to be 'Changstein.'

She's not Chinese? No, not Chinese. Not even Asian. So, what is she? Well, she's like you. Oh, how disappointed you must have been.

Well, it's false advertising, see? And the thing is, I think she likes people thinking she's Chinese. She suggests Chinese food... she always introduces herself as Donna Chang.

Hey, wouldn't it be funny if Paul and Noreen broke up because you kept hanging up on him? If Paul thought it was some guy hanging up because he was having an affair with Noreen.

Look, you gotta help me. I have to get off Jockey shorts. What, you have low sperm count? Very low. Come on, take them. I don't want them.

If I have one pair in my house, I'll wear them. I'm not gonna be able to sleep if those are in the house.

Boxers! How do you wear these things? Look at that. They're bagging up. They're rising here. And there's nothing holding me in place. I'm flipping, I'm flopping.

What am I gonna do? Jerry, I'm going crazy in these things.

Well, I'm gonna have to move now.

You know what I like about Manhattan? There's no mosquitoes. There's plenty of mosquitoes. Queens is full of mosquitoes. Gnats, too, if I'm not mistaken.

Your mother has to tell you every move I make? I'll kill her. Jerry and Elaine saw you. They didn't say hello? They were in a rush. They couldn't just say hello? Ah, the hell with them.

Elaine, I can see not saying hello. She's very... What's the word? Supercilious. How could Jerry not say hello?

It's really getting ridicurous. Did you say 'ridicurous'? Ridiculous. I thought you said... ridicurous.

Did you say the 'rines' are crossed?

Well, she told me she and your father are getting divorced.

You know, it's a shame his parents didn't get divorced 30 years ago. He could've been normal.

If they get divorced and live in two separate places, that's twice as many visits. I never thought of that. Imagine if I had to see them both on the same day. It's like running a double marathon.

The man in the cape. I bet you he is mixed up in this. I don't trust men in capes.

You can't cast dispersions on someone just because they're wearing a cape. Superman wore a cape. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and let you say something bad about him. All right, Superman's the exception.

Oh, no. What? What? Don't you see what's going on here? No boxers, no Jockeys. The only thing between him and us is a thin layer of gabardine.

Kramer, say it isn't so. Oh, it be so. I'm out there, Jerry, and I'm loving every minute of it!

I feel like a naked, innocent boy roaming the countryside.

What kind of a sick person calls and hangs up over and over?

Well... I don't know about sick. I mean, maybe it was somebody who didn't wanna talk to whoever was answering because whoever was answering was always making boring chit-chat and was completely oblivious to the fact that the person who was calling didn't wanna speak to them.

What are you doing to this woman? This is the second relationship you've ruined for her in a few weeks. I know. First you ruin her relationship with the high-talker. Well, I got confused. They sound exactly the same.

Apparently, you have a tremendous influence over this woman. Anything you say, she does.

First, you encouraged her to join the army. She did. She was lost. Then you suggest she goes AWOL. She did. Well, she didn't seem to be having so much fun.

They're not getting divorced. Why, what happened? She was trying to call George last night, she got me, we spoke for an hour, and she changed her mind.

Your lawyer wears a cape? Yeah. So what? Who wears a cape? He's very independent. He doesn't follow the trends. He looks ridiculous in that thing. You have no eye for fashion!

What did you tell Mrs. Costanza that changed her mind? Mentioned a few bits of wisdom from Confucius. Confucius, huh? You know, you're not Chinese.

You're not Chinese.

What, am I too boring for you? Would you just put her on? I feel it would be best that you didn't talk to Noreen for a while. You feel? That's right.

From now on, I'll be calling the shots. And what are you gonna tell her? Well, I've encouraged her to go back into the army. There she'll get the structure and discipline she needs right now.

I thought I was getting advice from a Chinese woman. I'm sorry. Well, then... that changes everything. What? She's not Chinese. I was duped!

So what? She still gave you advice. What's the difference? I'm not taking advice from some girl from Long Island.

Everybody listens to the Chinese. Look at the fortune cookie. You couldn't get away with that at other restaurants. Yeah, no one's reading any rolled up messages in a knish.

I never had lunch with my mother before. It's like a date. Then we drive down to Kew Gardens, tons of traffic, I see my father. We played Clue. All day with this!

Hey, Jerry! Guess what? The Kramer name might live on! Noreen's late! She's late!

Who are you? I'm Frank Costanza's lawyer.