The Wink

When you wake up, it's like you're being born all over again. You can't see, you can't talk. You're on your way to the bathroom trying to remember, 'How do I walk?'

If any invention marks the decline of human civilization it would have to be the snooze alarm. The snooze alarm is based on the idea that when the alarm goes off, you are not getting up.

You're not even awake, you're already a failure. They should sell the snooze alarm with an unemployment application and a bottle of tequila. Just make it a complete, pathetic loser kit.

A woman with a sexy voice like yours, it's hard to believe you're waking up alone.

I'm lying in bed, I'm wearing my nightie...

You're going out on a deaf date.

I'd rather go on a deaf date than a blind date. Would you rather date the blind or the deaf?

Because I think the blind would be a little messy around the house. I mean, let's face it, they're not gonna get all the crumbs. You're constantly walking around with a sponge.

I would rather date the blind. You could let the house go, you let yourself go. A good-looking blind woman doesn't really know you're not good enough for her.

She'd figure it out soon enough.

Ow! You squirted me. Oh, sorry. Boy, that stings.

You're going by sound? What are we, whales?

What percentage of people are good-looking? Twenty-five percent. Twenty-five percent? No way. It's like 4 to 6 percent. It's a 20-1 shot.

Have you been to the motor vehicle bureau? It's a leper colony down there.

So basically what you're saying is, 95 percent of the population is undateable? Undateable!

Then how are all these people getting together? Alcohol.

Pulp can move, baby!

I must've been winking at the office. That's why Mr. Wilhelm was acting so misterioso.

Hello, Archie. Veronica. Mr. Weatherbee.

Like I'm gonna risk my job with the New York Yankees to make a few extra bucks. No, of course not.

You don't eat meat? What are you, one of those...? No, I'm not... one of those.

Just a salad.

Shut... up! You stupid little mutt!

Like a quiche thing? You're in the ballpark.

Women don't respect salad-eaters. You got that right.

What is she making? I don't know, but I'm sure it had parents.

And I'll be packing an artery.

I was not winking, you idiot! That was the grapefruit! It's like acid!

Hope you didn't cut the fat off.

What if I get Paul O'Neill to hit a home run tomorrow just for you? Really? Paul O'Neill would do that? For you, he would.

I know. Get out of this bed one day and walk again. That would be nice, but I really just need the card.

Hey, salad's got nuttin' on this mutton.

It's a line my butcher uses when we're chewing the fat.

God forbid I should borrow one from Holly. It might have belonged to Grandma Mema. Thanks for mutton.

I'd ask you to stay tonight, but I only have the sofa bed, and it's where I sleep. We'll have to sleep head-to-toe.

You spit it out... I was almost mauled because of that mutton!

Reversed positions? Yeah. Head-to-toe. So what? Your genitals are still lined up.

You promised a kid in the hospital I'd hit two home runs? Yeah. What, no good? It's terrible. You don't hit home runs like that. It's hard.

You're saying Babe Ruth was a liar? He did not. No, but he wasn't stupid enough to promise two.

Yeah! One more to go!

That is so Franco.

Hey. That's not a home run. Well, maybe not technically, but... You said he could hit two home runs.

I usually like mine with an angioplasty.

We could argue all night over who took the napkins, but in today's modern world, it just doesn't seem relevant.

George, by the way, tomorrow night, Paul O'Neill has to catch a fly ball in his hat.

You gave Mema's napkins to some dogs? What happened to my jacket? The dogs did that, but it wasn't their fault. Somebody stuffed some strange meat in the pockets.

Word has it you were the brains behind the whole thing... His name is conspicuously absent from this card. Like he went out of his way not to sign it.

That's what I'm afraid of.

Yogi Berra, Lou Piniella, Bucky Dent, Billy Martin, Dallas Green, Dick Hauser, Bill Virdon, Billy Martin, Stump Merrill, Billy Martin, Bob Lemon, Billy Martin, Gene Michael, Buck Showalter...