The Van Buren Boys

Who is the last president to have a beard? Nixon. No, I mean a real thick beard. His was thick.

Artemis N. Falkmore. You made that up, right? Yeah. But it sounds like a president name? Yeah.

Why do presidents all have bad names? Woodrow, Grover, Millard. The presidency attracts the badly named. Their ambition is based on personal insecurity. It's classic male overcompensation.

Are you wearing lifts in those shoes?

What's the great moment? On your deathbed. They're pounding on your chest, and you're going: 'Ten, nine, eight... I told you this thing was good.'

I can't believe this is our first date. I know. Dessert? I suppose I have to get a piece of cake. Why? Today is my birthday.

Well, maybe she decided to celebrate her birthday on the Monday after the weekend. She's not Lincoln.

Does it ever bother you that this organization is beating the bushes to basically give this money away to virtually anyone as long as they're not you? I'm fine with it. Fine, I say.

Quick, what's your favorite animal? I don't know. Frog? Frog? Well, I... Frog is wrong.

I see here that you play the harp. Tell me, why do they have to tilt it? Can't they just build it on an angle? Save you a lot of trouble.

Well, the modern-day harp has been refined over thousands of years back to... Yeah, yeah, we'll let you know.

I see your GPA is 4.0. You like that, don't you?

So, Steven, I see you're president of the chess club. State champs. Who's your favorite chess player? Nastercoff?

Right. Nastercoff. What country is he from again? I don't know. I made it up.

I'm never gonna get this thing. What are you telling me for? You really had me going there. Come on, sit down.

What do you want to do when you grow up? Well, I've been telling people that I'd like to be an architect.

When it comes out I'll have to get someone to ghost-read it.

So I give him the crook eye back, you know?

I'm taking on the entire Van Buren Boys. Van Buren Boys? Yeah. There's a street gang named after President Martin Van Buren? Oh, yeah, and they're just as mean as he was.

Then they back me up against the cartoon map of Italy and all of a sudden they just stop. What? What happened? Because I'm still holding the garlic shaker, like this: I'm only showing eight fingers.

See, Van Buren, he was the eighth president. They thought I was a former Van B Boy.

How was the pizza? It was a little oily.

Oh, Melissa, Kim. Ellen. Hey. I want you to meet Jerry. Oh, we've heard a lot about you. It is so sweet of you to take her out. Yeah, you don't even know how much she needs this.

They acted like it was some act of charity, going out with her. So she's the loser of the group. Every group has someone that they all make fun of. Like us with Elaine.

There's no way Ellen is the loser of that group. Are you looking deep down at the real person underneath? No, I'm being as superficial as I possibly can.

I'm interviewing all these annoying little overachievers and finally this kid walks in, Steven Koren, a regular guy. Likes sports, watches TV. Is he smart? He knows how to read.

And he also knows that finishing an entire book doesn't prove anything.

But get this: He's into architecture. Hey, just like you pretend to be.

Yes, with a little guidance Steven Koren is going to be everything I claim to be, only for real. That's my dream, Jerry.

I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me.

Your place isn't quite what I imagined. Oh, it's just a place to flop.

Oh, damn, they changed the cable stations again just when I finally memorized them. Two: CBS. Three... I don't know what that is. Where's my damn preview channel?

Well, I gotta tell you, Mr. Peterman I don't know if I see a whole book here.

But that didn't happen to you. Well, so we pay off your friend, and it becomes a Peterman.

Oh, damn, I forgot to buy plant food again. I'll bet I got a coupon for it.

Is that the same outfit you were wearing yesterday? No, this is brand-new. Do you like it? Actually, yeah. Wait a second. Is that the fork that fell on the floor? Are you using the fork that fell on the floor? No, Jerry, the waitress gave me another one.

You're fantastic.

His GPA is a solid 2.0. Right in that meaty part of the curve. Not showing off, not falling behind.

Besides, Steven Koren has the highest of aspirations. He wants to be an architect. Actually, maybe I could set my sights a little bit higher. Steven, nothing is higher than architect.

I think I'd really like to be a city planner. Why limit myself to one building when I can design a whole city?

Well, that's a good point. No, it's not.

Isn't an architect just an art school dropout with a tilting desk and a big ruler? It's called a T-square.

You know, the stupidest guy in my fraternity became an architect after he flunked out of dental school.

Kramer, my friend, that is one ripping good yarn.

You know, if you liked that one, I got more. What are you looking for? Romance? Comedy? Adventure? Erotica? No, Kramer, I don't think...

My whole life? Name your price, man. $1500. I'll give you half that. Done.

Well, I'm on the phone with Bob, and I realize right then and there that I need to return this pair of pants. So I'm off to the store. What happened to Bob Sacamano? Well, nothing. His part of the story is done.

I don't understand. You were wearing the pants you were returning? Well, I guess I was. What were you gonna wear on the way back?

Oh, you're getting together with some of your jackass friends? Yeah, but get there after 9. You know, give the people a chance to loosen up.

So you're denying him the scholarship because he wants to be a city planner? I was betrayed. That kid was like a son to me.

If there's one person you should be able to hold down, it's your own flesh and blood. Like my father and my father's father before him.

You know, maybe philanthropy is not your field.

What is this? You wanna start? No, no, no. You go ahead. I gotta get my thoughts together. Jerry, this whole Ellen situation has gone far enough. What? Jerry, she's a loser.

This is like that Twilight Zone where the guy wakes up and he's the same, and everybody else is different. Which one? They were all like that.

These are my new friends... the Van Buren Boys. He became so disillusioned, he had to join us.

Great party, K-Man. You got that straight. Elaine, try the beef, because that's real au jus sauce. Real au jus sauce.

You can't tell that story now. It belongs to Peterman. You signed the release. He sat in mud, not you. But I did sit in mud. You didn't. You never sat in mud.

Oh, yeah, well, I... Yeah, the pants... They... They... They fit well and so I decided I wasn't gonna return them.

You know what those guys are gonna do? Yeah, well, you didn't hear it from me... but the Van Buren Boys, they never hassle their own kind. You mean, like a former member?

These Kramer stories are unusable. I mean, some of them aren't even stories. Look, this is the list of things in his apartment.

Is my toaster oven on there?

Oh, hey. Hey, have I told you about my bunions? You're going to love this story. So I line up my cold cuts on the couch next to me but as I'm stacking them up they keep falling into my footbath.

Oh, I bought a bunch of bunion stories from Newman. But they all stink. How much did you pay for them? Eight bucks. I think I'm getting ripped off. Newman!

Don't you see? The train is bearing down on you... you dive into a side tunnel... and you run into a whole band of underground tunnel dwellers.

It just seems so clichéd and obvious. It's not interesting writing.

The very pants I was returning. That's perfect irony. Elaine, that is interesting writing.

Nonsense. I have Benes' wonderfully imaginative mind to spin my stories. You take back your tales, you vagabond.

And by the way, when you get to that chapter about romantic escapades... feel free to toss yourself into the mix.

Then why don't you flash us the sign? Right. The sign. That's not the sign. It was when I was banging.

And after college I got my master's at the Sorbonne. Sorbonne. Oh, hey, that's in Paris. Jerry, your parking meter is about to expire. Don't get up. I've got change.

Jerry, she is fantastic. I knew it. I'm not crazy. She's so sweet. And she's got some body on her. And smart, like a computer. And so much personality. But it doesn't matter what we think. Do you like her? Now I'm not so sure.

She's 10 times better than that awful Amber girl that you were with. Yeah, Amber. I wonder if she's back from Vegas.

Give me your wallet. I'll give it back to you later. How are your folks? Trying to pick out a new couch. You don't wanna know. Give me your wallet or I'll spill your guts right here on the street.

What did you say? Come on, hurry up, old man. I'm an animal. You're being very rude. Come on, Morty. Please, they're gonna hit me. What? George Costanza, what is the matter with you?