The Wife

Of all the places you go... the dry cleaning relationship's the most bizarre. You keep giving each other the same thing... back and forth over and over again.

It's like it's half his shirt, in a way. He has it as much as you do. You ought to go shopping with him. 'What do you think of this shirt?' 'That would look good with a light starch.'

The only warning label people respect is 'dry-clean only.'

Speed limits, lung cancer, cigarette warnings... your very life is at stake. People go, 'Ah, the hell with it.' But dry-clean only? 'Don't put that in the wash. It's dry-clean only. Are you crazy?'

Good morning. -Good morning. -How did you sleep? -You're on the couch tonight.

You were all over my side. -I was not. I was sleeping with one cheek off the bed.

By the way, you're falling way behind on the 'I love you's.' -No, no, 12-8. -No, it's 15-8.

I know I can't beat you. I'm trying to stay competitive.

I think I'll try a sports jacket and scarf thing. You know, like an unemployed actor.

Cashmere? -No, Gore-Tex.

Come on, you know I'm getting pancakes. -I don't know that. -We can't both get pancakes. It's embarrassing. That's one step from the couples that dress alike.

I'll get the short stack. -That's why I love you. 15-9.

Is that my maple syrup? -Yeah. -You bring your own syrup? -You got to. You got a lot to learn about pancakes.

This is my wife. She died eight years ago. I've been looking all over for this.

You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna give you and your family 25 percent off your dry cleaning.

All right. I guess I get it too, because I'm his wife.

You never met my wife, Meryl. Meryl Seinfeld.

The money my wife... -I'm taking him to the cleaners. See her sense of humor?

I tell you, it was fun being single. But when you meet a woman like this, you don't walk to get married. You run.

Today was the first day I've worked out... since the Central Park mini-marathon. -You ran the mini-marathon? -No, but I exercised that day.

As an airline pilot, you're one of the few people who can... say that and mean it.

Eleven-thirty. -Eleven-thirty? -Wait, wait, 10:30. Sorry.

The syrup. Would you pass the syrup? Oh, you want to try the syrup.

My wife and I will have a little more coffee. -Okay. -And the check for my husband.

To my beautiful wife. To my adoring husband. -Adoring? What about handsome? -I like adoring. Yeah, sure. Adoring's good for you. What's it do for me?

We don't allow any outside syrups... jams, or condiments in the restaurant. And if I catch you in here with that again... I will confiscate it.

Well, I told my wife not to bring it.

Really? Twenty-five percent off? -Do I get that too? -No. Just Meryl. -Why does she get it? -Because she's my wife.

I tell you, I'm really enjoying this marriage thing. You think about each other. You care about each other. It's wonderful. I love saying 'My wife.'

Once I started saying it, I can't stop. 'My wife' this, 'my wife' that. It's an amazing way to begin a sentence. 'My wife has an inner ear infection.'

Will you take my quilt into the cleaners... so I can get the discount too? We'll start doing this now? I can't be taking... all your dry cleaning in. -Just this one time. It's expensive.

Hey, Elaine. What do you say, if neither of us is married in 10 years... we get hitched? -Let's make it 50. We're engaged.

This guy gave me... an open-lip kiss. -So? -So? We've always just kind of pecked. This one had a different dynamic.

His upper lip landed flush on my upper lip... but his lower lip landed well below my rim. -Moisture? -Yeah. Definite moisture.

That's an open-lip kiss, all right. -Yeah. I think he's giving me a big signal. Maybe he wants to change our relationship.

Why are you interested? He's a jerk. Because he doesn't pay any attention to me, and he ignores me. -Yeah, so? -I respect that.

I was in the locker room showering, and I... I had to go, so-- -Here we go.

Anyway, I think the guy in the shower opposite saw me. He even gave me a dirty look.

You went... in the shower? Yeah, so what? I'm not the only one.

Do you go in the shower? -No, never. -Do you? -I take baths.

What was I supposed to do? Get out of the shower, put on my bathrobe... go to the other end, come all the way back?

Did you ever hear of holding it in? Oh, no. That's very bad for the kidneys. -How do you know? -Medical journals.

Do the medical journals mention anything... about standing in a pool of someone else's urine?

I must have been in the incinerator room when you left.

If you or your wife want to drop by on Wednesday-- Your wife? Yeah. My wife. What are you talking about?

You got married? I wasn't invited? Nobody sends me an invitation? Well, it was sudden. Are you ashamed of your uncle? Do I embarrass you?

Who told you when you went to school that you print well? You did. When he was younger, he had a beautiful penmanship. I used to encourage him to print. -I'm a good printer. -I remember your 'V.' It was like a perfect triangle.

You know where I can get some good olives? -I can find out. -Would you? Sure. Oh, a project. That's a definite signal.

By the way, you look really great in that leotard. Thanks. That's no signal. Who wouldn't like me in this leotard? I look amazing in this leotard.

It's weird. I think I had a dream about you last night. Okay, he open-lips me, he dreams about me... we have an olive project, that's it. I'm asking this guy out.

Oh, my God. -I'm sorry. What were you saying? -It was nothing. Forget it.

See that guy right there? -Yeah. You mean him? -Yeah. I caught him urinating in the shower. I'm thinking about turning him in too.

Honey, could you get me something to drink? -You're right there. -Come on, I'm sitting.

Honey, what did you do with the can opener? -I didn't do anything with it. -It's not here. It was here yesterday. -It's in the first drawer. -I'm looking in the first drawer.

Hey, I'm not stupid. I'm looking in that drawer. There's no can opener. -Did I say you were stupid? -Well, wouldn't I have to be? You tell me there's a can opener in the drawer... I'm looking, there's no can opener. What other conclusion could one reach?

Hello. I'm sorry. I'm just fighting with my wife. Jerry, we just heard. What's going on? Why didn't you tell us?

Mom, I'm not married. -What? -I'm not married. I knew it. I told you. Uncle Leo said. I'm just pretending I'm married to get a discount on dry cleaning.

A discount on dry cleaning? Could you make a little more noise? I'll have to call you later. Well, I give up. Well, whoopee-woo.

Take it easy. Why are you so tired? My quilt is still at the cleaners. Jerry, I can't sleep without my quilt. The other night I was cold, so last night... I turned up the heat, it's too hot. I opened up a window, it's too cold. I can't get into the zone.

I'm sorry about all that can opener stuff. Yeah. Me too. -I love you. -I love you. -Well, good night. -Good night.

But then he wiped his hand on the top of the bottle... when I offered him water. That doesn't mean anything. Are you kidding? That's very significant. If he was interested in me, he'd want my germs. He'd just crave my germs.

She's right, George. Bottle-wipe is big. What about the open-lip kiss? Bottle-wipe supersedes it.

Could it be because you don't want him to know... that your friend pees in the shower? -That's not it. -I think it is. -That's exactly what it is.

Why couldn't you wait? I was there. I saw a drain. -Since when is a drain a toilet? -It's all pipes. -What's the difference? -Different pipes go to different places. -You're gonna mix them up.

I'll call a plumber right now.

You don't look good. -Huh? I don't? -No. You look pale. -Pale? Oh, my God. I gotta meet Anna's parents today.

It's not ready yet. -Not ready? It has to be ready. What kind of a business are you running here? Who the hell are you? It's not your quilt.

He's a good friend of mine. He's like an older brother to me. When things don't go right, he takes it personally.

I gotta meet Anna's parents, remember? I look terrible. I'm gonna hit the tanning machines. I can't believe you still do that. It's bad for you. That's how I maintain my glow.

How much would it cost to clean this? -Oh, about $13. -Thirteen? Well, I can't afford that. Well, I'm sorry.

I got the machine next, buddy. It's all yours.

What happened? Did he bring it up? Never mind that. Look at the signal I just got. Signal? What signal? He knew I'd use it next. He didn't wipe his sweat off. That's a gesture of intimacy.

I'll tell you what that is. That's a violation of club rules. -Now I got him. You're my witness.

He knew what he was doing. This was a signal. -A guy leaves sweat, that's a signal? -Yes. It's a social thing. If he left a used Kleenex, what's that, a valentine?

You tell him if he's thinking of turning me in... that I got the goods on him. -No. I won't be a party to this. So you're gonna let me get suspended for shower urination?

I can't let you do this. -I want to. -But it isn't right. I can't. -Give me the clothes. Jerry, please. What about her? -Oh, the hell with her.

No, Jerry, please. I'm not gonna let you walk out of my life. I can't fight you. Do you want box or hanger? You decide.

Good. I think I'm gonna talk to her about that guy. We can't have people like that here. -Are you sure you wanna do that? -Yeah. He's disgusting. Besides, I'll take any chance I can to talk to her. -You're interested in her? -Very.

You know, I'm engaged. Yep, I'm getting married in 50 years.

You know, Greg, I wouldn't do that if I were you. -Why? -Well, correct me if I'm wrong... but isn't it a violation of club policy... to not wipe down a machine after using it?

Oh, I see. You're friends with the urinator, aren't you? Yeah, well... at least he had a drain.

There you go, Mrs. Seinfeld. With your 25 percent discount, it comes to $17.80. Here you go. Excuse me, this isn't mine. Oh, yes, it is. Your husband brought it in himself.

You son of a bitch. -I'm sorry. -Who is she? -It doesn't matter. I want a divorce.

A divorce? So you can marry her and give her the discount? Yes, that's right.

What happened to us, Jerry? -I'll tell you what happened. We got married.

I'm sorry. This is my fault. I pushed it on you. No. I guess I just wasn't ready for the responsibilities... of a pretend marriage.

I forgot. This is your maple syrup. It's all right, I want you to have it. Okay, thanks.

We'll always have pancakes.

I thought you said you was bringing a white boy home. I don't see a white boy. I see a damn fool.

To me, the thing about marriage is... I can't believe how often it happens. I like the idea of it, but I can't believe that many people... are meeting people that they want to see every single day... every day, every day, every day, every day.

That should happen, like, three or four times... you know, in the whole century. Like any major investment, you sign a marriage contract. Here's your person.

If you're a man, the bride's family... pays for the wedding, like getting cash back. 'Till death do us part' that's the extended warranty program. You give her the ring, that's the keys.

You slide it on, start him up, but you've got to make it work. Your value drops 20 percent when you drive each other off the lot.