The Doorman

You would think if any group of people would not wanna demonstrate what life would be like without them, it would be doormen.

Let's see how they do without us.

There's no doorman, people open the door, they walk in. Who's gonna walk out next? The guys that clean your windshield at the traffic light with the dirty rag?

We demand shorter yellows and longer reds.

What are you, the boyfriend? Here for a quickie?

Oh, I get it. Why waste time making small talk with the doorman? I should just shut up and do my job opening the door for you.

How about those Knicks? Oh, I see, on the sports page. Why do you think I wasn't reading the Wall Street page? Oh, I know. Because I'm the uneducated doorman.

He makes this kasha, it stinks up the whole house.

For these German tourists. Pretend that I'm robbing you. So these people can go back home and tell their friends they saw a real New York mugging.

All right, hands up, porky. That's it. Now, give me your wallet. You got it in here, huh, fat boy? Is that all you got, huh? Is that all you got?

All right, you better not say anything or I'll stalk you.

I don't wanna play any more of his mind games.

But then the night doorman comes on. He's much scarier.

I don't have a hi-fi. I gave you my old record player. I gave it to Cosmo. Cosmo? Who's Cosmo? I'm Cosmo.

One, two, cha-cha-cha.

He's very peculiar.

A party? Oh, no, that was just my stupid friend, Jerry.

Believe me, we're not entertained. We're just leaving.

You? What are you doing here? You work at this building too? Oh, sure. Poor doorman has to work two jobs to put food on the table for mother and baby. No, I live here.

So you work all day as a doorman at one building and then you stand outside your building? Yeah. You got a problem with that?

You really think you're better than me, don't you?

He had breasts.

No, not these. These were real hooters.

I was throwing up all night. It was like my own personal Crying Game.

What if it's a genetic thing? Like father, like son. But your father's not bald. No, no. That skips a generation. The baldness gene comes from your grandfather. Then I suppose the bosom gene comes from your grandmother?

Frank can't be too comfortable with those things clanging around.

You mean, like a bra? No, a bra is for ladies. I'm talking about a support undergarment specifically designed for men.

Boy, that brain never stops working, does it?

Hey, we're twins. What?! Our shirts, they're the same. Imagine that.

He claims that you followed him home and started harassing him.

What is wrong with George? He's trying to get something off his chest.

I traded shifts with the night doorman. He had personal affairs to attend to. My fellow doormen and I watch out for each other. We don't stab each other in the back like people in your world.

Then watch the door for a minute. What? I just want to get a beer. Be back in a minute. Wait a second. What do I do? It's not brain surgery. Open the door for people. If they don't live here, don't let them in.

I've lived here for 20 years. Now, if you don't let me in, I'm going to call the police and have you arrested. All right. All right. You think you're better than me?

Hey, how about those Knicks, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Does your back hurt? How did you know? Well, it's obvious. You're carrying a lot of extra baggage up there. Up here? Oh, yeah, top floor.

A bra is for ladies. Meet the Bro.

Bosomy? You want to know if your grandmother was bosomy?

Somebody stole the couch out of the lobby. Where's the doorman? How come someone wasn't watching the door?

Don't you find it odd that as soon as he leaves, a couch gets stolen? Maybe he's setting me up.

You came to pick me up. I came to pick you up. Yeah, that's what I said. No, I was just... No, I know. It's not helping.

The Mansiere. That's right. A brassiere for a man. The Mansiere. Get it?

Well, you scared her off. We may never see Mom again.

Well, the doorman certainly has a wild imagination, doesn't he?

You know, he's a comedian, Mrs. Payton. They don't know how to do anything.

He thought of everything. He was setting me up from day one. Is it possible we were victims of a sting?

So you didn't even want the couch? No, I was just messing with his head. And they think they're better than us.

You get a couch, I get rid of my father. It couldn't be more perfect.

I wouldn't be caught dead in Ban-Lon.

Say you're getting intimate with a woman, you don't want her fumbling and struggling back there. I think we've all experienced that.

You want to go out with my wife? Where do you get the nerve to ask me that?

You had me sleeping on a pee-stained couch? No. No, no. The cushion was turned over. But the very idea. You had me lying in urine!

You're not having any of your transvestite parties? Will you stop it? I lived with him for 40 years. I never saw him trying on my underwear. As soon as he leaves the house, he turns into J. Edgar Hoover.

Hey, he only sells them, he doesn't wear them.

Hey, that record player is not yours. No, look, somebody gave it to me. You're a thief. We have proof.

She started a big fight about abortion.

It's you. It's you. I gotta sit down. No, Poppie, no! No, Poppie!

Kasha? No, thanks, Dad.