The Wizard

When are they gonna learn that news about China is an instant page-turner?

He doesn't care for the gift, he gets excited about the deal.

I'll tell him I got it on the street and maybe it's hot. That's his favorite.

Deep down I always kind of felt that they blamed me for Susan's death.

Why? Because you picked out the poison envelopes?

That's silly.

What, about you dating a black guy? What's the big deal?

He is? / No, he isn't. / Isn't he, Elaine?

You think? / I thought he looked Irish.

What's his last name? / Nelson. / That's not Irish.

Should we talking about this? / I think it's okay. / No, it isn't. / Why not? / Well, it would be okay... if Darryl was here. / If he's black.

Mrs. Ross, it's George. / Who?

George Costanza. Susan's friend?

House in the Hamptons? / I've been lying about my income for years. I figured I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons.

Well, grab a cigar, boys. Yeah, it's time to celebrate.

How are they gonna make that book into a movie?

Remember that photo book on toy ray guns? / Yeah. / Independence Day?

That's funny, because I haven't seen you working... for a while. A long while.

From what?

It's not really gold.

Turn it down!

Well, not 'Africa.' Actually South Africa.

You know how it is. / Maybe.

You must hate hot dogs, huh?

It's a radar detector. / Radar detector. I've never seen you go over 20 miles an hour. You're like the grand marshal of the Rose Bowl parade.

Attaboy. Helen, Jerry got me a hot Wizard computer.

So I can use it to figure out the tip? / Yeah, I guess. But the really cool thing is the daily planner. / We can go to the restaurant to figure out the tips.

Kramer, you can't live down here. This is where people come to die.

Not you. Older people.

You feed him he'll never leave.

Why don't you just ask him? / Because if I ask him, then it's like I really want to know.

Maybe he's... mixed. Is that the right word?

The Hamptons? George Costanza? I don't think so.

Keep it real.

How does 12.4 percent sound? / Well, your tip is $4 and 36.6666 cents. We'll round down.

I was never impeached. I resigned. / Even so, the press would bury him. / What press? / The condo newsletter. The Boca Breeze. / Pinko commie rag.

He just got a date with that young aquacise instructor. / She's 50.

You know what he's got? He's got charisma.

All right. I'm Asian. / What? / Just to mess with them.

Average income. Over a hundred thousand. / Really? / So does that matter? / No. But it's very nice to know.

So did you figure out Darryl's... you know? / I've given up. So now we're going to a bunch of Spanish restaurants. Figure that'll cover us either way.

You're a master of race relations.

He wants to install Kramer in a puppet regime... and then wield power from behind the scenes. Preferably from the sauna in the clubhouse.

Who are they running against? / Common sense... and a guy in a wheelchair.

I want you to come by twice a day... and flush the toilet so the gaskets don't dry out and leak.

What? / Well, what about the mail? / This is far more important. You must exercise the gaskets, George.

What did you say? / I told them you didn't. And I laughed and I laughed.

You don't let somebody lie when you know. You call them a liar. / Like you're a liar. / Yes. Thank you. Was that so hard?

I'm calling the Rosses and inviting them... to my nonexistent place in the Hamptons. Then we'll see who blinks first.

Haven't you done enough to these people?

Are you black? / Or should I bring some cream?

They're upset because we're an interracial couple. / Interracial? Us? / Isn't that unbelievable? / Yes. It's awful.

All right, you wanna get nuts... come on, let's get nuts!

We're campaigning, Jerry. To rule the people, one must walk among them.

Right, yeah. The poll's close after dinner. Three o'clock. But then when we win... the celebration goes all night until the break of 8 p.m.

Barefoot in the clubhouse? Kramer... don't you realize this is against the rules?

These people work and wait their whole lives to move down here... sit in the heat, pretend it's not hot, and enforce these rules.

All right, what do we do next, Morty, huh? Wiretaps? Slush funds?

What are their names? / Snoopy and Prickly Pete.

Yeah. / It's okay. My boyfriend's black. Here he is. See? / Hi, Elaine. / Hey. / He's black? / Yeah. / I'm black? / Aren't you?

We are because you're Hispanic. / I am? / Aren't you? / No. Why would you think that? / Your name's Benes. Your hair. You kept taking me to those Spanish restaurants.

That's because I thought you were black. / Why would you take me to a Spanish restaurant because I'm black?

So we're just a couple of white people? / I guess. / Yeah. / So do you want to go to the Gap? / Sure.

This isn't a Wizard. It's a Willard. / It's a Willard? Saccamano Sr. screwed me.

Mine doesn't have a seven. / I'm ruined.

How could you spend $200 on a tip calculator? / It does other things!

There's no house! It's a lie! There's no solarium. There's no Prickly Pete. There's no other solarium.

We know.

Then why? Why did you make me drive all the way out here? Why didn't you say something? Why? Why? Why?

We don't like you, George. And we always blamed you for what happened to Susan.