The Non Fat Yogurt

I had glasses when I was 10. Anybody beat that? Anybody got them younger? -Seven. -Seven? Two?

Anybody born with glasses? Come out... Actually come out of the birth canal and go: 'That was a hell of a delivery, I'll tell you that. Can I clean these? Does anybody have one of those little cloths? I was just born. They're a little... A little smudgy.'

They put real blueberries in this. What kind did you get? Coffee. They grind up the coffee beans and put it in!

If you wanna taste mine, you don't have to offer me some of yours.

This is so f*****g good! Jerry! Oh, I'm sorry.

This guy from my old neighborhood, Lloyd Braun. He's a big adviser to Mayor Dinkins. He thinks he's so cool.

Yeah, there was a fire in my apartment. A fire. There's a lot of major chicks in this place, huh?

Something wrong with your arm? Yeah, actually. I bumped my elbow on a desk and injured something... and now it sort of moves involuntarily.

That's a bitch, huh?

Boy, he is really cute. He's a jerk. He's gone, George.

I did this thing on the Ottoman Empire: What, was this a whole empire based on putting your feet up?

I was having lunch and I bit down on the fork. It's hard to believe with so much biting experience... a person could still make a mistake like that.

You're getting heavy. What? You look like you put on 5... 10 pounds.

I'll tell you something else... you're looking a little chunky yourself. Me? Yeah.

Oh, my God! I've gained 7 pounds! I've gained 8! I told you.

Maybe it's the Oreos. I don't eat Oreos. You don't eat Oreos? The way you break them open... You're practically having sex with them.

What about me? You? You're getting old.

Maybe your yogurt isn't so nonfat. Oh, guess again, tubby.

Hey, I'll tell you what, chubs. If that yogurt has fat in it, I will put myself on an all-yogurt diet... for a week.

Well, let's start the insanity. Giddyup.

Tap-dancing. Anyone can tap-dance. It's those shoes. Are you kidding? They practice for years, those people.

Tommy Tune is very tall. That helps. It makes him lankier.

What's the matter with you?

Your arm moves like this? I've never seen your arm move like this. Me either. Well, it comes and goes.

You discussed George with the mayor of New York? Dinkins was talking about you. He was discussing you!

Every word out of my son's mouth now is f**k, f**k, f**k. You know what he said to me five minutes ago? 'Where's my f*****g cupcake?'

No f*****g way.

I wouldn't hear of it. I said, 'Nice try, granny' and I sent her to the back of the line.

I've been waiting for something like this my whole life, and it's finally here!

Hey, fatso, I got a 90 in biology.

This is Mr. Giuliani's blood. We're doing a cholesterol workup on it.

You can't take that chemist out. Why not? Because she's like the jury. She's gotta be sequestered.

It smells. Smells bad. Smells really bad. That's enough. What? With the smells.

My whole life is a lie.

What if we get married? We'll always have that between us. Already you're marrying this guy?

Of course. He's a funny f****r.

He tells him what soap to use.

What the f**k are you doing, you little piece of s**t?!

One of my campaign themes would be... that everybody should wear nametags to make the city friendlier. Nametags, huh? Everybody would know everybody. It would be like a small town.

Then we went to his apartment, and I sat on one of his chairs... and it broke. And he says, 'Boy, you're a lot of woman.'

So people can go around... saying hello to one another. Oh, I see. So you go, 'Hey, you know who I saw wilding today? Herb!'

Fat!

Obviously a very sick person. A very immature person. A person who has no regard for wasting other people's valuable time.

Rudy Giuliani, who underwent a physical last week... received some startling news today... when his cholesterol count turned out to be a whopping 375.

Nonfat yogurt? Oh, my God. They got Giuliani, and he doesn't know it!

What kind of an idiot thinks anybody would be interested in that idea? I don't think it's so bad. People should wear nametags. Everyone would be a lot friendlier. 'Hello, Sam.' 'How you doing, Joe?'

It was good! I was enjoying it. Had to interfere, couldn't leave well enough alone. I will get even with you for this. You can count on it.

Apparently some blood spilled into Mr. Giuliani's test tube... causing his cholesterol count... to be 150 points higher than was initially reported.

Thanks for ruining my daddy's business, you fat f**k.

There's nothing more fun than cursing when you're a kid. I mean, it's like getting the keys to the car. You're doing something you're not supposed to do.

And there's nothing less fun than when you're an adult... and having to use those wholesome curses: Fudge! Sugar! Consarnit!

What the hell is 'consarnit' anyway? You stub your toe and say, 'Consarnit'... you might as well say, 'Yippee!'

If you've been to a foreign country, the first thing you learn... are the curse words. Right? You travel halfway around the world to experience some exotic civilization... the first thing you ask is, 'How do they say doodie here?'