The Wig Master

Have you noticed that every place has that tip jar on the counter?

What is the service that this tip is for, anyway? I mean, isn't the man basically just turning around?

I think we're tipping people now just for the absence of outright hostility

Thanks very much, and here's something extra... for not taking my head... and smashing my face through the glass countertop. Really good service here.

Are you out of your mind? You'd suffocate in there. You're lucky to have doors. When I was in the Army...

Big Stein wants a little taste. Come on. Pass it down. That's a good boy.

Big Stein wants an eggplant calzone. He must have one. Everybody out. Hurry up, hurry up.

He bet me that Dustin Hoffman was in Star Wars.

Short Jewish guy against Darth Vader? I don't think so.

Hey, Elaine, you gotta feel my pants.

I'll see you later. - All right. You don't know what you're missing.

Bold and beautiful.

The pita pocket prevents it from dripping.

If people can't hold onto things, tough luck.

Who did you bet was in Star Wars? Sammy Davis Jr.?

Two tickets. Means to an End. - Told you.

They're really building a Utopian society up there.

I'm like a drug dealer. I got the guy hooked.

So then, as I'm leaving, he gives me a look like 'Thanks for nothing.'

So you don't make a habit of giving to the blind?

Not bills.

She's like a beautiful Godzilla. And I'm thousands of fleeing Japanese.

I need quarters for the dryer. - Why can't you do this on your table? - Because I don't have a table.

He's found a dating loophole.

That's just because you're a jackass.

Crazy like a man.

So you and I are kind of like countrymen. Paisanos.

Hey, hey, you steal my money? - No, you don't understand. I wasn't taking it out.

From 1973 to 1982, I ate the exact same lunch every day. Turkey chilli in a bowl made out of bread.

You eat the chilli, then you eat the bowl. Nothing more satisfying than looking down after lunch and seeing just a table.

Was this whole bet thing just a way of asking me out? - What? - I mean, Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars?

Must have been when I slowed down to take that curve... because for a while there, I was doing well over 100.

Officer. Hi. Do you really have to give us a ticket? - All right, Nick. Let's hit it.

I didn't have enough quarters for the dryer... but this is better and more convenient. - Oh, for both of us.

I could have got a house in Peru for 300 bucks.

That's a nice name, Todd Gack. What is that, Dutch?

He fires people like it's a bodily function.

No, I never had a job.

Kramer's cooking up some corduroy.

You hang out on the west side of the building with Seinfeld all day... just laughing it up, wasting your lives.

And three times a week, I shall require a cannoli.

I mean, unless I'm your sister, this is a date.

You don't work in the rain? You're a mailman. Neither rain nor sleet nor... It's the first one!

I was never that big on creeds.

This is all burned up. Look at this. What the hell do I know about cooking a shirt?

You can't pay with this. - That's all I got. - Then you got no calzones.

Your clothes smell just like Paisano's.

That smell. I know that smell. He's in the building. Costanza is in the building. And he's not in this office.

It's like trying to smoke a chicken bone.

What kind of a name is Todd Gack anyway? - I think it's Dutch.

We'll put all the uniforms in pizza ovens before the game. That's fantastic. Keep those muscles loosey-goosey.

I smell a pennant!