The Merv Griffin Show

Yeah, you know, Cain slew Abel. No, he didn't. They were in business together. Dry wall or something.

Well, I think Abel worked hard all summer harvesting his crops... while Cain just played in the field. Then when winter came, Abel had all the nuts, Cain had no nuts.

The way I remember it, Cain, he was a successful doctor... but when he took this special formula, he became Mr. Abel.

Yeah. Well, I was trying to make gravel and it just... It just didn't work out.

Well, I like the sound it makes when you walk on it.

This stuff belongs in the Smithsonian. Or at least in the Dumpster behind the Smithsonian.

Boy, one minute Elliott Gould is sitting on you... and the next thing you're yesterday's trash.

You know, I spilled a yogurt smoothie in here two days ago.

George, watch out for those pigeons. Oh, they'll get out of the way. You really smell banana?

You're making this up. There was never a Joseph Garnish.

I inherited them after he died from a long, painful bout with... SuperBall.

They've never been played with. I just wanna touch them a little.

Hey, your coffee stain looks like Fidel Castro. You've been an enormous help.

Don't we have a deal with the pigeons? Of course we have a deal. They get out of the way of cars... we look the other way on the statue defecation.

So he just sidles up? That's right. He's a real sidler.

I was sitting making Cup-a-Soup... singing that song from The Lion King. 'Hakuna Matata'? I thought I was alone.

To me, the 'Hakuna Matata' is not nearly as embarrassing... as the Cup-a-Soup.

Oh, you just bring it in sideways and hook it.

A lot of the stars from the '70s... they were not as hygienic as they appeared on TV. You take Mannix, for example.

Is it possible you're even more beautiful... than the last time I saw you?

I'm reading the fascinating article... on the most fascinating people of the year. And done.

An Army Pete. He was made of wood, in the rain he would swell up and then split.

And we all know how painful that can be.

Excuse me? Yeah, we're talking this way.

Now, for those of us who don't know, sidling is what?

You sidle? You stomp around like a Clydesdale.

Not with these honeys. Wrestling shoes. Only in New York.

What happened? I'll ask the questions.

Now, you and Jerry dated for a while. Tell us... what was that like?

So they're like everyone else.

Then why don't you just run it over too?

What pigeon? You drove right into that squirrel.

Squirrel? Well, we have no deal with them.

'Will not cause drowsiness.' 'May cause drowsiness.'

Unfortunately, I am also disgusted.

Mission accomplished. Back to base, Joe.

Well, it's by the pound, so about 80 cents.

So they're flying the tiny instruments in from El Paso.

El Paso. I spent a month there one night.

You mean to say that you drugged a woman... so you could take advantage of her toys?

What you do with your personal life is your business. But when you're on my set, you clean it up, mister.

You're spontaneous. You're symmetrical.

Thanks, Elaine. You're such a super lady.

Four hours.

You know, I rip off the label... I can hardly tell the difference. We've officially bottomed out.

Your home, Mr. Costanza. Just make sure he gets his medicine six times a day... and keep his tail elevated.

It's not a pet. It's a wild invalid. And it knows that I tried to kill it. As soon as it gets better, it's gonna gnaw my brain out in my sleep.

He's a human maraca.

You step on it and it fushes.

That reminds me of the Haitian voodoo rattle torture. You haven't gone over to their side, have you?

Because if I hear one more rattle, just one, you're out on your can. And if you are undead... l'll find out about that too.

The only gum I liked came with the Mickey Mouse gumball machine. They stopped making that 20 years ago. Well, stinky, this is your lucky day.

It was great. I've done it a few more times since then.

What is this? What is she doing here? What? It's the new format. Scandals and animals.

Well, what kind of woman drinks an entire box of wine?

No, you idiot. Hawks eat squirrels.

Well, at least we know that prosthetic squirrel hips work.

Oh, go ahead, pigeons. Laugh it up. I'm getting in my car now, and the last I heard, we have no deal.

Oh, well, hey, I dated Jerry too. I know what a monster he can be.