The Shower Head

You get to a point with your parents... where all you can do with them is eat. You can't talk anymore... but you wanna at least try and keep your mouths moving.

My mother will argue with me about what I like. 'Can I have a piece of pumpkin pie?' 'You don't like pumpkin pie.' 'Yes, I do.' 'Since when?' 'What's the difference? Can I have it?' 'No. I have never seen you eat a piece of pumpkin pie.'

The Masai Bushmen wear these great sandals... and we're gonna knock them off. Not the Masai, the sandals.

Africa? Do you know how hot it gets there? Like 150 degrees. Your skin is gonna be simmering with boils.

Well, I don't like the sound of that.

Uncle Leo's having regular sex? Yeah, I know, it devalues the whole thing.

Helen, did you know that they tape this thing in the afternoon? How long they been doing this? Thirty years.

Yeah, that is odd, isn't it? I mean, they're retired. There's no economic reason for them to be here. They have no friends. No social reason for them to be here. You're all grown-up. Yeah, they're through ruining my life. What the hell are they still doing here?

Any thought pops into their head, they call me... because it's a local call now. I'm used to a 1200-mile buffer zone.

Look at this. I told them medium rare. It's medium. I bet that cook is an anti-Semite.

They don't just overcook a hamburger, Jerry. Fine. Anyway, the point I was making... before Goebbels made your hamburger here is this...

You've got beautiful features, lovely skin. You're in the prime of your life here. You should be swinging. If I were you, I'd tell this Lydia character; 'It's been real.' Move back into that bachelor pad and put out a sign; 'Open for business.'

Do you realize how short the Kalahari Bushmen are? I'm gonna look like a giant to those guys.

It appears you will not be accompanying me to Africa. What? Why not? I'm afraid it's your urine, Elaine. You've tested positive for opium. Opium? That's right, Elaine. White Lotus. Yam-yam. Shanghai Sally.

The Dark Continent is no place for an addict, Elaine.

I'll be ready in three minutes.

What extremities? You know what the temperature in Florida is today? Seventy-nine. That's almost 80.

Yeah, I read someplace, the life expectancy in Florida... is 81. And in Queens, 73. So, George, why are you here?

Well, you could pet them. They come right out of the water onto the sidewalks.

Are you trying to get rid of us? 'Rid'? Ma, come on. The word is 'care.' 'Care.' I care about your comfort. Be it here in Queens... or 1200 miles away.

If I don't have a good shower, I am not myself. I feel weak and ineffectual. I'm not Kramer.

This is awful. I'm not Newman.

Not on my watch! I won't have you turning my office into a den of iniquity! Get your fix somewhere else! Go on, beat it!

It was 1979. I was traveling the Yangtze... in search of a Mongolian horsehair vest. 'Just a taste,' he said. That was all it took.

The toll road of denial is a long and dangerous one. The price? Your soul.

This is your dressing room? They treat you like Toscanini.

Are you telling me there's not one condo available in Del Boca Vista? That's right. They went like hotcakes. How'd you get yours? Got lucky. Are you trying to keep us out of Del Boca Vista?

Poppies!

My Uncle Leo, I had lunch with him the other day. He's one of these guys that anything goes wrong... he blames anti-Semitism. The spaghetti's not al dente? Cook, anti-Semite. Loses a bet on a horse? Secretariat, anti-Semitic. Even the horse-- Even the animal.

The High Holy Days in the temple? Rabbi, anti-Semite.

Listen to this. My Uncle Leo broke up with his girlfriend because of my bit. She thought it was funny, so he accused her of being an anti-Semite.

I just took a bath, Jerry. A bath. No good? It's disgusting. I'm sitting there in a tepid pool of my own filth.

All kinds of microscopic parasites and organisms... having sex all around me.

Jerry, that was super-heated water. Nothing could live in that.

I have a private matter to discuss with my fellow tenants. If you don't mind.... Look, sister, go get yourself... a cup of coffee, all right? Beat it.

Through a certain connection... I've been able to locate some black-market showerheads. They're all made in the former Yugoslavia. And from what I hear, the Serbs are fanatic about their showers.

Not from the footage I've seen.

So you're moving there for spite. Absolutely. No one tells Frank Costanza what to do! That's right! Who the hell are they? How dare they?

We can visit together. Every five years!

We're gonna be in the pool. We're gonna be in the clubhouse. We're gonna be all over that shuffleboard court... and I dare you to keep me out!

You have no idea how your life is gonna improve as a result of this. Food tastes better. The air seems fresher. You'll have more energy... and self-confidence than you ever dreamed of.

My buffer zone just went from 1200 miles down to two feet.

You know what you're doing, don't you? You're killing independent Jerry.

Look at you. You're disgusting. You're bald. You're paunchy. All kinds of sounds are emanating from your body 24 hours a day. If there's a woman that can take your presence for more than 10 seconds... you should hang on to her like grim death. Which is not far off, by the way.

But she's an anti-Semite. Can you blame her?

Wait. What are you gonna do in there? What am I gonna do in the bathroom? You gotta do me a favour. Hold on a second, Mrs. Seinfeld. I need your sample.

This one is kind of scratched. Jerry really doesn't... wash these very well. A milk glass, a juice glass. Any glass, just pick a glass. Pick a glass, Mrs. Seinfeld.

That's the Commando 450. I don't sell that one. No, that's what we want, the Commando 450. No, believe me. That's only used in the circus for elephants.

Low-flow? I don't like the sound of that.

Elaine, according to your urine analysis, you're menopausal. You have the metabolism of a 68-year-old woman. Oh, and one more thing. You may have osteoporosis.

Oh, yeah.