I Know What You Did Next Xmas

Warden:Welcome back the bed-wetter of Building D, Turanga Leela

Albert · Leela · Other orphan:We don't got books no more. - What? - He means 'anymore.' Look, sometimes you got to choose between eating and reading, so they ate the books.

Leela:A... one-eyed princess in a long, flowing... tank top. And she lived in a magical one-room... Castle? Yeah, if you believe the listing agent.

Leela:And then that's exactly what she did do that. And they all lived happily ever after. The end.

Albert · Leela:That story was bad. That's not really a question. That wasn't really a story.

Albert · Leela:Please don't. See you soon.

Leela:I just need to think of three of some kind of animal.

Fry · Bender:Yes. It's the only song I know. Look, friends. I accidentally learned to tap dance.

Professor Farnsworth:Time for my 4:21 daiquiri!

Bender:Guys, guys, guess who just got commissioned as a tugboat?

Bender:Tokyo crazy balls! Yes!

Professor Farnsworth:I'd like to describe my foot pain. My left has a sharp jabbing throb near the bunion, while the other's got a searing pain like gout. Maybe it's too much albumin because of gravity...

Professor Farnsworth:Searing, searing pain that feels as if it were in a vice.

Warden Vogel:They liked hunger cramps more than your last one.

Leela · Warden Vogel:Oh, is the organ-harvesting clown here? Nah, Rusty comes on Tuesdays now.

Orphan child:He gives me a nice, warm feeling in my eyeballs.

TV character:Oh, my God. There's Jake Finkelberg! He's so hot. I wish he wasn't my brother.

Bottomless Boy · Captain Mega Meat:Hurry, Captain! A skinny kid needs our help. Super-size me!

Announcer:From the Rowdy Roddy Piper Daycare Center in Glasgow, Scotland, it's Extreme Toddler Wrestling!

Abner Doubledeal:Don't have any children for the next couple of days.

Orphan child:Can't we just get our organs harvested?

Feffernoose:Hello. I'm scared of everyones.

Doingg:I'm a silly spring named Doingg And my bouncing never ends

Garbly · Leela:What about me? Hey, it's Garbly. Everyone loves him 'cause they can't understand him. It's nice to meet you.

Orphan child:Wow, I can't believe you 'maginated all that stuff.

Abner Doubledeal:their enjoyment glands were squirting like Broadway roadkill!

Leela:Don't I need a degree to write gibberish for toddlers?

Abner Doubledeal:Come on, Miss Leela. Don't be a fraidy cat like Feffernoose.

Leela:if you just luck out hard enough.

Abner Doubledeal:Welcome to the glamorous, big-money world of basic cable TV! I'm going to need that pen back.

Fry · Bender:These costumes are gonna make it hard to go to the bathroom. I'm not having any problem.

Abner Doubledeal:Sweet zombie Jesus, like it's not hard enough to make a freakin' TV show for under 50 bucks.

Abner Doubledeal:Damn it. I'll call you back, Grandma.

Abner Doubledeal:Ach! You writers make me sick. Nice job on the script, though.

Abner Doubledeal:Cheap lights. Off-brand camera. And non-union action!

Doingg:When I like something, I lick it. Like this raccoon.

Background character:I like turtles!

Princess Num-Num:Poke it with a stick and lick the stick instead.

Leela as Princess Num-Num:But before we go, let's do everything we just did two more times.

Bender:Even I have to admire the performance of me, Bender.

Abner Doubledeal:And it looks so cruddy, their ironic hipster parents will love it.

Leela:Sometimes two or three times.

Abner Doubledeal:Baby, I hope you like drowning in caviar, 'cause that is how you're gonna die.

SpongeBot SquareBolts:I interfere with pacemakers.

Abner Doubledeal:Baby, I hope you like drowning in caviar, 'cause that is how you're gonna die.

Awards announcer:But first, the nominees for Best New Kids' Show are... Outstanding Sext Message.

Announcer:This is Turanga Leela's first nomination and second time in high heels.

Leela:I feel so lucky just to have been nominated alongside so many inferior shows.

Interviewer:So, wait. You play a high school student who's also secretly a rock star who's also secretly a massage chair?

Massage chair actor · Bender:No. I play a high school student who's also secretly a rock star, but in real life I'm a massage chair. Oh. You ever made out with a tugboat.

Bender:Sweet ego of Montego! Someone build a wind farm in front of her mouth!

Abner Doubledeal:you're the greatest creative mind since blah, blah, blah-bity blah.

Fry:I'll have you know I bedazzle my own underpants.

Leela:Rumbledy-hump? It's real!

Ladybuggle:They're like crunchy, green water.

Feffernoose:I had to be big and strong to fight off the monsters.

Bender:You just wrote down what these space twerps said.

Humpling:Leela said a Rumbledy-Hump no-no!

Humplings:And poo-poo and pee-pee and penis and gay. Those are the 98 words we don't say.

Abner Doubledeal:It's like catching an evangelist in a whorehouse. That was the best Christmas ever.

Bender:I'm loving the hypocrisy. It's like catching an evangelist in a whorehouse.

Abner Doubledeal:At least Reverend Pickens had the dignity to jump out the whorehouse window with his pants around his ankles.

Humpling:He sure has a shiny metal bumbledy-boop.

Bender · Leela:'Cause now I can get rich off of you. Oh, Lord. From now on, you give me half the gross, or I'll blow your cover.

Bender:Ugh! You are the worst kind of rich person.

Warden Vogel:The kids haven't been this excited since Food Day.

Bender:I do love inconveniencing the underclass.

Bender:Is somebody standing on me? Ah. I do love inconveniencing the underclass.

Warden Vogel:Okay, kids, delta pattern. Go! Go! Go!

Sally:Thank you for being my hero.

Leela:Having to wear a costume made from a hollowed-out walrus.

Doubledeal · Leela:Stealing is a form of creativity. No, it isn't.

Humpling:We didn't have a word for it... until now.

Sally:I guess if you can't make up stories, I can't neither.

Abner Doubledeal:No writers, no actors, no problem.

Garbly:I can finally afford my speech therapy.

Abner Doubledeal:What orphans? The kids were all adopted.

Albert:You're the boss, Daddy.