The Cadillac (2)

You get to a certain point with your parents where, really, the only thing you can do with them is eat. You can't talk anymore, but you wanna at least try and keep your mouths moving.

My mother will argue with me about what I like. 'Can I have a piece of pumpkin pie?' 'You don't like pumpkin pie.' 'Yes, I do.' 'Since when?' 'What's the difference? Can I have it?' 'No. I have never seen you eat a piece of pumpkin pie.'

The Masai Bushmen wear these great sandals, and we're gonna knock 'em off. Not the Masai, the sandals.

Africa? Do you know how hot it gets there? Like, 150 degrees. Your skin is gonna be simmering with boils.

They're low-flow, you know. Low-flow? Well, I don't like the sound of that.

After the impeachment, my father left office in disgrace.

Uncle Leo's having regular sex? Yeah, I know, it devalues the whole thing.

But it comes on 11:30. Yeah, well, they tape it in the afternoon, and then they air it at 11:30. How long they been doin' this? Thirty years.

They have no friends. No social reason for them to be here. You're all grown-up. Yeah, they're through ruining my life. What the hell are they still doing here?

Any thought pops into their head, they're calling me because it's a local call now. I'm used to a 1200-mile buffer zone.

I told them medium rare. It's medium. I bet that cook is an anti-Semite.

They don't just overcook a hamburger, Jerry.

Come on, Uncle Leo, I've seen the way women look at you. When's the last time you looked in the mirror? You're an Adonis. You've got beautiful features, lovely skin. You're in the prime of your life here.

It's your urine, Elaine. You've tested positive for opium. Opium? That's right, Elaine. White Lotus. Yam-yam. Shanghai Sally.

The Dark Continent is no place for an addict, Elaine.

I couldn't feel my extremities. What extremities?

Well, you could pet them. They come right out of the water onto the sidewalks.

The word is 'care.' 'Care.' I care about your comfort. Be it here in Queens or 1200 miles away.

If I don't have a good shower, I am not myself. I feel weak and ineffectual. I'm not Kramer.

I'm not Newman.

I feel like I got bugs crawling up my skin! Now, you gotta help me out. Not on my watch! I won't have you turning my office into a den of iniquity!

It was 1979. I was traveling the Yangtze in search of a Mongolian horsehair vest. I had got to the market after sundown. All of the clothing traders had gone. But a different sort of trader still lurked about. 'Just a taste,' he said. That was all it took.

The toll road of denial is a long and dangerous one. The price? Your soul.

This is your dressing room? They treat you like Toscanini.

Actually, I'm drunk.

Are you trying to keep us out of Del Boca Vista?!

Poppies!

My Uncle Leo, I had lunch with him the other day. He's one of these guys that anything goes wrong, he blames it on anti-Semitism. The spaghetti's not al dente? Cook, anti-Semite. Loses a bet on a horse? Secretariat, anti-Semitic.

Even the horse-- Even the animal. The High Holy Days in the temple? Rabbi, anti-Semite.

My Uncle Leo broke up with his girlfriend because of my bit I did. She thought it was funny, so he accused her of being an anti-Semite.

I'm sitting there in a tepid pool of my own filth. All kinds of microscopic parasites and organisms having sex all around me.

Look, sister, go get yourself a cup of coffee, all right? Beat it.

Through a certain connection, I've been able to locate some black-market showerheads. They're all made in the former Yugoslavia. And from what I hear, the Serbs are fanatic about their showers.

Not from the footage I've seen.

That's the Commando 450. I don't sell that one. No, that's what we want, is the Commando 450. No, believe me. That's only used in the circus for elephants.

He couldn't handle that. He's delicate.

No one tells Frank Costanza what to do! That's right! Who the hell are they?! How dare they?

We can visit together. I know. Every five years!

We're moving in lock, stock and barrel. We're gonna be in the pool. We're gonna be in the clubhouse. We're gonna be all over that shuffleboard court. And I dare you to keep me out!

Food tastes better. The air seems fresher. You'll have more energy and self-confidence than you ever dreamed of.

My buffer zone just went from 1200 miles down to two feet.

You're killing independent Jerry.

Look at you. You're disgusting. You're bald. You're paunchy. All kinds of sounds are emanating from your body 24 hours a day. If there's a woman that can take your presence for more than 10 consecutive seconds, you should hang on to her like grim death.

But she's an anti-Semite. Can you blame her?

I need a clean urine sample from a woman.

Jerry really doesn't wash these very well. Mrs. Seinfeld, choose a glass. Pick a glass, Mrs. Seinfeld.

That's the Commando 450. I don't sell that one. That's only used in the circus for elephants. Just give it to us. He couldn't handle that. He's delicate.

Elaine, according to your urine analysis, you're menopausal. You have the metabolism of a 68-year-old woman.

Oh, and one more thing: You may have osteoporosis.

Why should they go to waste?!

[Jerry being blasted by elephant showerhead with sound effects]