Catherine Meyer

no, please. don't stop because of me. this is really interesting

as opposed to what, the west wing of graceland?

that's kind of genius. thanks, todd

last two on the deck of the titanic, huh? yeah, i think i might jump.

dilka. what? dilka? dilka? i think her dad's iranian. iranian?

you are not fucking thor, mom.

mom, stop talking to me like a fucking politician.

mom, stop talking to me like a fucking politician.

you guys, are we seriously gonna let the guy with the police sketch face of a rapist tell us what to do?

it's called a shitbull terrier. it's a bullshit-tzu.

My boyfriend in college was a quarter Cherokee. Mom, I'm sorry, but I'm not gonna say sorry.

It's not 'Debbie Does Damascus.'

This is gonna be like 'Super Size Me' all over again. Why don't you guys just go see 'Mamma Mia!' again for the 10th fucking time?

Mom, you've invited the House Majority Leader to my birthday party? Yeah, sweetheart, it's the 100 billion cutoff. You've heard about that? Of course I've heard about that.

This is not flirting. This is like as subtle as putting a nude photo on Facebook.

Jesus fucking Christ. Here. Take that. Carrot cake's good. You want to try it? Nope. It's all yours. I can use my phone to cut it.

I'm taking this really cool class where we sort of debate current issues through movement.

You never told me that you were a vegetarian. I told you three months ago. No, you didn't, Catherine.

You swallowed chicken your entire life. You're gonna do it again today. I swallowed your bullshit my entire life.

Although not a great parent, admittedly. Well, actually, he did okay with his own kids. It's when other kids got involved that it got real dicey. But, no, then he did dangle that one from a great height.

White water rafting. - Italy. - Disneyland. - Which is it? - No, honey, we didn't ever go to Disneyland. - Oh, no, you didn't take me. Rosa took me with her family. - Who's Rosa? - She was a... - She was... - housekeeper.

No, no, no. This way, I get a Christmas and a birthday present off of each of them.

it's like a victory fuck? He better come down.

Great minds think alike! / You look like you're in one of those body swap comedies.

It's like my 21st birthday. Or my 18th birthday. Or every other birthday, okay?

Posing for Christmas cards, watching C-SPAN instead of 'Sesame Street,' going to memorials of old Israeli men that I've never even heard of.

So you need to go out there. And you need to stop behaving like a little bitch.

Catherine, I can't send Mike and Ben to Coachella. But you, you know, you're hip. You're 'deck,' you know? Deck's a thing, right?

Catherine just did what any good daughter would do. - What...? - You punched that motherfucker. - You punched that guy square in the face. - No!

Honey, that means you're really good at it and you didn't even know it. No!

In years to come, a therapist will have me acting this out with dolls.

I throw one punch, and all of a sudden I'm 'America's Next Top Redneck.'

That is not your shoe.

Mom, not the help. Jesus, that's tacky.

Dan? I am not gonna talk to radio stations that have eagles in the logo or call themselves the 'voice of reason.'

Although this would not have been a good present for her, 'cause she was a toddler with a temper. She was so mad. - I wasn't. - Just say you were mad. Doesn't matter.

Just one freaky dyke after another.

Just imagine, that's what you'll look like when you become a boy.

People are gonna start to think we're sisters now or-- or siblings.

She turned around the college film society. I transformed it, Mom.

You have sharp shoulders. This is like high school all over again. Yeah, sure, kind of, but much bigger.

Customary shortcuts to public affirmation are military service or childbirth. Okay, God, no, and, oh, my God, no, in that order.

Okay, well, then we go back to the idea of turning that frown into the inverse of a frown. Upside down?

You're flaring your nostrils. It feels natural.

My, you are small. I suppose you're young, but you're still very small.

Honey, don't look so worried. I'm not gonna bite you. But that man over there does have a gun.

Have you ever seen 'Star Wars'? This is a little bit like the end of 'Star Wars.'

I'm vaping. That's not the point.

Just like my actual honeymoon with Daddy.

What you'll look like when you're leaving office, except you look exactly like you do now.

I wasn't bullied by you, I was bullied because of you.

Are you bullying me into dropping an anti-bullying charity?

Guess what. I just got engaged. Are you fucking kidding me? Catherine's there, too?

Hey, Catherine, about earlier. - The molesting. - What?

No, you're not. - Yes, we are. - But we are. I'm 48. Put your hand down.

I don't see that you're wearing a ring, so...

Look, look. Mom, CNN has it, too. It appears that Matty's domino is standing up straight again.

I know that my job can be hard on you and that was a bit of a bummer, huh? Yeah, just a little bit.

Yeah, and he was, like, 60. He was 35.

Okay, we don't have time to hear the story of your syndrome. What about your minor, dance? Why don't you make up a little kind of a dance about the election? You know, you can't decide should you dance or should you not dance?

Catherine, do not use any of the vulgar parts. - Yeah, but that's like all of it, Mom.

You pulled the plug without me? / It wasn't a plug. It was a ventilator tube that they just...

We got good news about Nevada. - Wait, what? - We got good news from Nevada. - Mom?

When do you have the time, then, Mom? When? Because you don't like Tim McGraw, then nobody is supposed to like Tim McGraw. Catherine, you are forbidden from saying the words 'Tim McGraw' ever again.

Unbelievable. Mee-Maw was so right about you.

Whip it good. What is that? Devo.

But doesn't it just come up as unlisted?

Mom, you don't invite my friends to Thanksgiving dinner. I invite my friends to Thanksgiving dinner.

I can't stop smiling. / Neither can I.

Yeah, we just thought maybe we could have, like, a sham ham for Christmas.

But it tastes like a ham? - Yeah, it's close. - Not at all.

Amex gave me this crazy new card that's made out of black metal.

I noticed two golf carts filled with Asian people. - Yeah, we should go. - That's the kitchen crew and the chef.

Wait, is that when you had your nervous breakdown? No, no, I did not... no, I went to a spa, sweetie.

I just thank God I didn't hit those schoolchildren. Who gives a fuck about them? Go! Go!

Some say a tie is like kissing your sister. But it took an electoral college tie for me to get to kiss the sister I never knew I had.

You know what I like about you two? It's not clear who's the top. I am.

They're actually from a very expensive boutique

I'm sorry, Mama. Bunny's late for middle school.

You're in therapy? Since when? Since I was 13.

I show assholes the door.

It's just, like, a woman's face with sunglasses on.

So, is it a boy, is it a girl? - Oh, right. It's a baby. - No.

Leslie or Dana if it's a boy and... And for a girl we like Linus. - Seriously? - That feels like child abuse.

We're actually doing a 'herstorical' tour of great Southern female writers. / And where they killed themselves.

My cervix is as tight as a snare drum.

I mean, when did we build an Indian casino gift shop? - It's the nursery.

Blacks got the vote in 1870. When did women get the vote? 1920! - Sistas! - Well, the Voting Rights Act was in 1965.

I wish I had let you do anal. It would've hurt less than this!

No. My God, I'm not a goat.

I think I wanna run for Congress.

Well, if we're judging by sex organs, which apparently we're not, it's a boy.

Would you like to hold him, Grandma'am? - I'll take your purse. - No, it's fine. - I'll just give him a boop-boop, pat-pat.

Everyone say hello to Little Richard. - Is that the baby's name? - Yes. - No, it's not.

Both my daughter and my mother have struggled greatly with very serious mental health problems. - What?

You're supposed to say, 'That's not our plan.'

Catherine is Mama, and I'm Mom-Mom. - You didn't want to go with Mommy and Agent Palmiotti?

How can you tell? - Well, the haircut.

We still enjoy sex in the mornings, but in the evenings, hardly ever. And rarely penetrative.

I thought everybody kind of did the same thing.

He saw a male Jesus.

I've never been more proud I taught that man to ejaculate into a cup.

They are... the same.

They are... the same. And how is the blushing bride?

No. I feel fucking pretty.

Did we win? - Oh, yeah. I'm the president, and you're the First Lady. Oh, we would crush it.

Guys, who gives a shit where people shit? That is literally the point, Mother.

Oh, no, ma'am. I'm a cis woman. - Right. That's not a crazy question to ask.

How'd she feel about tedious lesbians? Big fan, ma'am.