Ben Cafferty

Florida... ought to break it off at Jacksonville and row it to Cuba.

Are you getting ready to dump a bucket of pig's blood on my head?

I'd like to be cryogenically suspended. Yeah, and then be woken up in the future? No, never wake up. Just stay suspended.

Yeah, he's got ice in his semen.

You know that portrait with the guy who looks like a fat Wolverine? It's just one door on the left from there.

My good friend POTUS, my Gamma Chi brother, is gonna summon me to his office and he's gonna show me a sword and he's gonna tell me to take the sword and slide it down my throat until it comes out my ass.

Why don't you take the first bullet and put it through your brain?

So put everything on the wagons and shoot the dogs because we have just lost the fucking House.

Uzbekistan is between Turkmenistan and I-could-give-a-fuck-istan.

How do you make two perfectly pleasant words so irritating?

the man who can't take a leak without polling his balls.

Secretary of Defense Maddox is living up to his name. He's mad as an ox.

He had a pro-strike hawk boner the size of Jonah.

There's cultures that don't even have any numbers and they do just fine.

Yeah, precise and surgical, like your lobotomy, Kent.

No, that's cherry red. - Cerise. - I'm sorry, sir. I must have a very specific form of color blindness.

Oh, the noodle analogy. You guys are gonna love this.

I will leave.

Why are we talking about noodles? - No, let me rephrase that. Why the fuck are we talking about noodles?

You just timed out that whole shit analogy for your little ding?

That is fucking pathetic.

Calculated? That sounds so... - Calculated? - Pussy-ass, that's what I was gonna say.

She fires a gun one time and she thinks she's Rommel in the desert.

When you do that, I'm gonna start supporting gun control.

Cock-a-noodle-doo.

He's gonna procrasterbate forever.

The national security advisor is running around like he's got eagles flying out of his dick.

All this melodrama really explains your three divorces.

Despite your standard-issue hysterical washerwoman reaction, it's really not.

We're fucked! Bury me!

Are you working as a hatcheck girl now?

Was that up in the hills or down in the valley?

Jesus. You know, if we don't get this done by midnight, we're all gonna turn into ugly sisters and get eaten by wolves or whatever the fuck happens at the end of that story.

Either way, just blur the fuck out of it.

You plus 10'd yourself here? Number crunchers to help you finish the deal. Yeah. And one of them is a designated driver because I am going to get fucked up.

You know, as people say, if it rhymes, it chimes. Who says that? No one says that. I'm pretty sure I heard someone say that.

He's got a cave full of bats in his skull.

One of Gaddafi's sons. They're polling better.

Blow the opening day pitch out of your ass?

We are at DEFCON fuck.

He's the President, you're Jonad.

Now go earn your name change.

Oh, no, that's a fucking wire brush to my hemorrhoids.

Fix it, or I'll liaise your balls to your desk.

You're the world's biggest single-cell organism.

Burn all the White House pets and then yourselves. Burn yourselves first.

Are you finishing my sentence or are you telling me that again? Both.

No, I'm Joan fucking Rivers. Of course I'm serious.

While in your mind you're doing pirouettes on his grave.

So now our spineless, flip-floppy fuckbag is staying.

And so it begins. Yeah, with a kick to the tits.

Stand aside, asshole.

You catch more flies with honey than with bad language. Get out of the way, or I'll fucking inhale you.

God, he was a 4'11" stick of dynamite. A great man inside a small man.

Stick one of those in Ricky's hand, he would have looked like an average-sized man.

It's so full of shit, there's a colon right smack-dab in the middle.

What? It's like a massacre or something. Fuckin' sick.

You know, get my hands dirty? I could be your midwife.

You know, I heard that dog picked him up and shook him really bad.

Stop flapping your vestigial limbs around.

FYI, it may not be his real name.

He's the bubonic fuckin' plague of this party.

There is a dead guy in the pool, and that dead guy is you.

I'm never ambiguous, ma'am. Not even sexually.

They're already calling him 'PRO-TUS,' which is stupid because both sides have 'pro' at the start.

If men got pregnant, you could get an abortion at an ATM.

You let that unstable piece of human scaffolding into your house?

Sorry, that's just pastel-colored shit.

I can't listen to that 'Joan Crawford' bitch about 'Bette Davis' any longer.

If men got pregnant, you could get an abortion at an ATM.

It's like listening to Jupiter.

Great minds think alike! / You look like you're in one of those body swap comedies.

What in the wide world of fuck do you think you're wearing?

I just got off the phone with the congressional leadership and they're stuck in traffic, so we may not make it to the steps.

I see you found it... the 'Room of Regret.'

It's an ancient technique that's been plied by loveable losers since way back. It's called begging.

You gotta go lower than the lowest lowlife. You gotta dig and dig and dig until you get to the point where you wish you were dead. Okay? And that's base camp.

I haven't seen my penis since the first Gulf War, and I kinda miss the little guy.

Well, seems his unit in Iraq did that to some poor slob with a drill.

It's still Tuesday for another six minutes.

You're gonna sit there and piss your pants like a man while I take your money.

Because unlike your boss, his day-to-fuck-up ratio isn't one to one.

Mississippi is chock-full of assholes. I don't trust the Chinese. I'm not gonna be able to pass a single piece of legislation that's really gonna make any fuck of a difference in your life.

I'd rather cede control of the CIA to Pakistan than see Dan lead a campaign.

I could take a dump on it, if you need a clincher.

'S.S. Starch.'

Did you bring any extra dressing? I hear the next course is gonna be pulled pork... pork that has been pulled.

I wouldn't spread that around, Gary.

We should throw your expired cum at Jonah's door.

Well, I'm a baby-faced, know-nothing congressman from 'Shit Stain,' Nevada

It could have been anyone. Could have been Ben. Yeah, I poked everything that moved back then.

She looks like Peter Falk.

Fuck Broadway. This is real acting.

Nice air kiss. I think he actually missed the air.

I swear, this kid is literally gonna shit himself.

Very good. Now compare yourself to Lincoln and Buddha.

World's worst boy-band member ever right there.

He looks like he just came out of the bathroom and then decided that he hadn't finished yet.

We should put this guy in Vegas. I mean, anywhere but here.

If there's any dirty trick that I cannot stand, it is honesty.

I hate confessions, unless they've been beaten out of someone.

Do we have any snipers? Can we take her out? You got a gun? I'll do it.

'Repel'? Why did she say 'repel'? What is it, 'Talk Like A Pirate Day'?

I think I've endorsed a Nazi. That would explain the Hitler haircut.

Hey, I got three Fs for ya-- you're fucked, you fuckin' fucker.

What the hell is a legitimate hole? Well, don't get me started.

He's gonna disappear up his own 'hole' hole.

'Daddy, you fuckin' blew it!' 'Daddy, I've never been less proud of you.'

Well, thank God for Twitchy. He really saved us. I love that little guy.

And if you can't stand the heat, buy asbestos panties.

That's what all the chicks say.

Ben: Am I dreaming? Do I have my pants on?

Ben: Ma'am, I don't wanna piss on your bliss, but...

Ben: Goodbye, China.

Ben: Listen, let 'em sulk. I mean, who's gonna notice?

Ben: Here, boy. Come to me.

Ben: I was bulimic the whole first year and I didn't even lose any weight from it.

Ben: You know, I told you when I was telling you I wasn't telling you what I told you. The fuck stops here, Dan.

Ben: Yeah, can we fly it into Danny Chung?

Well, he's not dead, ma'am. No. It's fun for me to say, though.

Poor working moms seem to love it for some reason. But they only ever vote with their phones, usually for other poor young moms who can't sing.

Yeah, we just got to do a cock-thumb. What? What did you say? A cock-thumb?

For example, I love my mother, but I had to put her in a home. And it's actually better for her if I don't visit.

Did you ever hear the theory that Reagan hired Hinckley just so he could get two weeks in bed?

I've never actually seen it, but as I understand, there's a scene where they all walk in a row like this.

That and farting during first Communions.

Kent majored in fortune cookies.

Five-zero followed by a bunch of zeroes? Nine.

I think Lassie is trying to tell us something.

That wasn't a cock-thumb. That was a cock-cock.

We may as well have an anti-unicorn strategy.

That's the long and shit of it.

I detest jazz, but this is impressive.

Well, she just announced a dead guy's plan. He's not fucking dead.

This is a head-on collision and I'm your biggest air bag.

And me and Kent are about to turn into two horny cheerleaders and start making out.

We'll skin you like a squirrel, clean you out like a dirty fucking chimney, and wear you like a glove puppet with my fingers sticking out of your dead fucking eyeballs.

I got all jacked up on licorice last night and I was belly dancing till dawn.

More minds the merrier. That's a saying, I think.

There is no way on God's green cock that you can get out on matter of principle.

he's been fondling Jonah's balls like he's trying to figure out what the prize inside is.

Oh, that's nice. Fuck off, I'm busy.

30 years as a senator and your asshole's getting more screen time than your face.

I understand you've been twirling Jonah's balls like they're some kind of exotic stress reducer.

I like Tom James and I hate everyone.

Yeah, shoe polish and he never even shared.

Yeah, that's why we 86'd him, Mike.

Like Evel Knieval. - Yeah. - No, better. Lovely Knovley.

'And it's about to take North Carolina from behind.'

'Ma'am, you've got to get back to DC faster than a speeding drunk.'

'Yeah, six hours till flying cow time.'

'Hell, yes. I mean, no offense meant, Sue, but when it's just you and me, it's like it's just me.'

Yeah, and that they don't demand more gun control.

Well, that sounds like the world's worst Dr. Seuss book.

Jesus Christ, Bill, you're shaking like a dog shitting a peach pit.

Gary, every room you're in is a panic room.

What are you going to do with a clock? Tell him he's late?

My God, where were you born, Lake Homo?

Calamity James. And that's just off the top of my head.

Just get him off, you fucking mannequin.

Just get him off, you fucking mannequin.

Are you trying to hitch a ride? What is that?

Why the fuck did you bring up balloons if we don't have them?

You'll tie a ribbon around Elvis's sagging, rotten ball sack if we ask you to, Mike.

He's going freestyle. God, that is so fucking gangster.

211 are voting against the bill. Five undecided. And we've got three yeses that we're working on turning around into nos. So defeat is within our grasp.

We're asking people to vote yes. We're doing what we should be doing. We're just doing it badly.

Don't worry, Mike. We have a team of our worst people on this. Cazzelli, Lennox. The usual saps. Jonah, Richard.

There is nothing like a Boston wedding. Let me tell you that. Wow, that was worryingly good, Tom. I mean, that was some black belt jujitsu bullshit right there.

Oh, one. So one's okay. We just let off one nuke at the Super Bowl.

This isn't about you, Gary. Jesus, nothing here is ever about you.

What, you mean not funny?

Your earwax could bring down a president.

And then we're gonna have to destroy the evidence and that's conspiracy to commit fraud. No, a cash trail is very fucking bad for us.

There, you've been blooded. So join the circle jerk. Grab a dick.

But you're not. Oh, my God, now you are! Well done. Now I feel a lot better.

Well, this is a long glass of frozen strawberry fuckup.

For a moment, Gary was the most powerful person in the world.

We'll call him after the vote, tell him it's Mogadishu.

I'm saving that for when I go to prison. Even money they give you the chair.

Yeah, Bill, put a cork in it, will you? You know, that actually may help.

With all due respect, you need to get your shit together now, lady. Ma'am up. You're still the leader of the free world.

With all due respect, you need to get your shit together now, lady. Ma'am up. You're still the leader of the free world.

Can we have the room? Fantastic speech, ma'am. The three Ss... strength, stability and bullshit.

Actually, four Christian missionaries burned to death. Oh, even better.

Yeah, drive sober. Take a shit without getting a hernia.

There's only one person I'd be more surprised to see today in the Roosevelt Room and that's Teddy fucking Roosevelt.

You're as welcome here as a swastika-shaped shit in a synagogue.

The Dow is dropping lower than my balls on a hot summer day.

Zitzilla just stomped all over Wall Street.

Like an empty cop car they park on the side of the road to slow speeders. Those cars are empty?

I'm on it, ma'am, like brown on rice.

We need to round up some blacks and fast. We need to round up... Don't say it over the radio, asshole.

Maddox is probably going to study the effects of legalized prostitution on his dick.

She summers in Vinyardo Del Martha.

What in the lunatic fuck is the master cleanse? Sounds like Nazi domestic policy.

Buttfucker, that's me. I can't believe you remembered my nickname.

Stop with the Kabuki show and eat a fucking cookie.

We used to call that a Jimmy Carter.

You know, I was over in the East Wing and I saw a painting of Sue holding George Washington's horse.

You're the one who suggested we all live in the Matrix. - Ma'am, nobody chose to live in the Matrix.

One heck of a job, Amy.

They were in the card your wife sent me when my cat Fibonacci passed.

They're into ass play? No, they have a gift for sensing prevailing political winds.

They're wet-fingered. / They're into ass play?

Someone's got a case of the blue badge blue balls.

Any chance we can switch those? I'll turn the graphs upside down.

Let's send Tom James out as well. He's a tall drink of Xanax.

We need to shut this down like a fucking public school for the arts.

Christ, I thought he was gonna shit the bed. Instead he's doing turndown service and leaving a mint on the pillow.

Oh, never mind. They all have that. House is like Caligula's room.

Jeez, he couldn't eat a turkey unless you put it in a blender and fed it to him through a straw.

You know what it could be? What? That you are fucking crazy.

Well, I hope to fiscal fuck the fed has a trillion dollars stuffed in a mattress somewhere.

At least when Truman made the decision to drop the bomb, he wasn't fucking anyone in Hiroshima.

I could lose them both. I mean, at this stage they're purely decorative.

So, who had 12:50 P.M.?

If we don't put a plan into action tomorrow morning, then by Monday we will be Greece. The country, not the musical.

She has gone full metal Nixon.

When does the White House's most useless press secretary list come out? I can't wait to see who's number one this year. - I voted for Mike.

Literally anything.

That's not his wife. - Okay. - This is one of my staffers, Nadia. - She's a prostitute.

Like Baxter.

Listen, I'm a high functioning alcoholic and you're a sloppy weekend drunk. Now get with it.

It's the outfit I picture when I'm trying not to come.

Bono's gonna shit his sunglasses.

Joyce, she took care of me after my third heart attack. My second wife was a nurse as well. I guess I have a thing for nurses, huh?

Yeah, that's the least reassuring sentence I've heard since 'It's okay, it's just the tip.'

The only president to pee sitting down since FDR.

Well, I pee sitting down sometimes if it's gonna be a longy.

It's really more of a copresident position. Wouldn't you agree with that, Ben? - Sure.

Come on, you page-diddling Hawaiian fat fuck.

Well, that just kind of made this whole year worth it.

Mine takes place in an alternate timeline where overweight, alcoholic ex-chiefs of staff are considered a sexual prize.

Mine takes place in an alternate timeline where overweight, alcoholic ex-chiefs of staff are considered a sexual prize

Without him, we don't have a Chinaman's chance.

No, no, no. It's okay. My wife is Oriental. All of them have been. I kind of got yellow 'fev-ah.'

He can read the newspaper on the toilet by the light of his own shit.

You know, maybe if we teach them how to read a condom wrapper, they wouldn't get AIDS in the first place.

Night and fog. Nacht und Nebel.

That's keep a lot of docents in Rockports. / I'd kill for a job where I could wear flats all day.

There is literally no Georgian law. / And I'm using 'literally' correctly.

There is literally no Georgian law. And I'm using 'literally' correctly.

Eat the soup. / Why? / Because I'm hungry. I need to know if it's been poisoned.

Well, for you, Congressman, disaster would be a step up

Plus-sized homunculus. A human-shaped creature of medieval legend that Paracelsus claimed was created from putrefied sperm.

which is a line of prison inmates standing on each other's shoulders trying to sodomize you.

Those Sphinx-fuckers really love them some Chinese takeout.

this deal is Mao Ze-done, baby.

The three Meyersketeers hang a shingle?

The president doesn't actually want you to do anything other than continue to be a woman, which you're doing a pretty okay job at.

White working-class voters.

Well, second time's the charm. - Uh, it's actually the fourth. - Yeah, fourth time's the charm.

Muslim or white guy? - Don't know yet. - Which is better for me? - White guy. - Fingers crossed.

Actually, it's a synecdoche. - Technically, it's more of a goat rape than a clusterfuck.

Twenty-seven people have been killed. - Oh, my God. - Hohhh. - This can... work for us?

The field could not be any clearer.

Ben, I really don't like being told what to do. / Well, Felix Wade is the biggest bundler in the party, and he loves making millionaires square dance.

And is it just me, or does Felix's friend seem a little young? / He'll look older after Felix switches blood with him.

Amy's bulimic. / What?! / Well, it's about time.

And I'll tell ya something, she might want to consider a little more purging, a little less bingeing. / God, that girl can't do anything right.

I want all eyes on Tom now. He cannot spend another second with Felix without me jammed in between 'em like the cross-piece on an Eiffel Tower three-way. / MMF. The Devil's threesome.

I actually consider her to be a bit of a protégée. / Does she know that? / Thought I was your protégée. / No, you're Ben's protégée. / Not a very good one.

She's having a textbook aneurysm. / Still looks like a goddess.

No one. Literally no one ever wants prosecco.

you're gonna be drowning in money so dark it could get shot entering its own apartment.

Seriously, it's America's first two-cooter ticket.

Just because Felix Wade is gayer than an Eames chair in assless leather chaps doesn't mean that he's some sort of fashion diva.

When I say 'shit,' you say 'show.'

Fantastic. Her Achilles cock.

OK, I don't know if I should be sad or turned on.

Liu sent you a message inside Mike. / A misfortune cookie.

And they will not sell you out in a Beijing minute.

Consider her green-jeaned, ma'am.

He just fucked me right in the ass! / Son of a bitch wouldn't endorse you. / That, too!

I mean, that's like blowing a rape whistle while you're raping somebody.

Like my prostate. Mostly black and much larger than we'd like.

I think the Chinese just delivered.

Maybe in the House you can.

Your unfavorables are rising past 'accidental ethnic slur' right into 'men's room incident.'

Any luck with the human Mobius strip?

The Joseph Goebbels playbook. Accuse the other side of that which you are guilty. Steal from the best.

we're gonna keep our wangs out of your Chinese fuckin' finger trap.

When women fall apart, they really fuckin' fall apart!

I don't think people are gonna buy that a guy who calls vaginas 'crinkum-crankums' is gonna be able to pull off some sort of multimillion-dollar fraud.

Basically a two-woman race to see who is less offensive to the American people. That's the best explanation of democracy I've ever heard.

A... lledgedly.

The Nobel people don't ask too many questions if you buy a table. Ma'am, at this point, they're just trying to avoid losing the building.

Face to face, I can convince anyone of anything. - That's not true. - Incorrect. You're both wrong. - Both: You're right.

Lu developed a real hankering for Finnish furburger back at Camp David. He eye-fucked her so bad he got retinal herpes.

She prefers the word 'spa.'

Although publically, Montez claims to be considering all options. Privately, I heard she's been doing impressions of you getting broom-sticked in prison.

Are people actually laughing at that impression? - No. - Yes.

Well, no offense, Ben, but honestly, that could be, like, tonight. - God willing.

Ambassador Costas was Montez's husband's chiropractor.

Ma'am, we got bigger reindeer to fuck here.

Ma'am, that's the Nobel Prize of bad ideas! - No, that's economics, OK?

Someday you'll be an old man, and you'll-- Governor, now that you're a super-delegate, have you given any thought as to who you're gonna be endorsing at the convention? Isn't there any way I can endorse all of them?

I'm not here. Not hearing this.

Might want to double-check that penis. That's Kent's job.

Pretend to talk to me about numbers. - I was pretending. My favorite number is Euler's number.

So are a lot of people's.

You know, I've had a dozen heart attacks, and... You know, if I play my cards right, I'll have a dozen more, but I think this is my last rodeo.

I mean, I could really use the break.