Cosmo Kramer

Boy, the Mets blew it tonight, huh?

You know that I was almost a lawyer? That close, huh?

You don't tip a gardener. - You can tip a gardener. - You don't need a gardener.

They got a cure for cancer. See, it's all big business.

Jerry just walked in / Take it / Who is it? / It's for you.

Kramerica Industries.

A pizza place where you make your own pie.

We give you dough. You smash it, pound it, fling it in the air. You put your sauce, your cheese, and then you slide it into the oven.

One day, you'll beg me to make your own pie.

That sounds like a great idea. It would be fun. Kramer! Yeah! Perfect.

There was once a mutant grape that terrorized an entire town in the Texas panhandle. They brought in the Army. Nobody could stop it. Apparently, it had a pit of steel.

You could have invested in my roll-out tie dispenser. You're in a restaurant. You got a very big meeting coming up. 'Oh, man!' You got mustard on your tie. You just... tear it off and... you got a new one right here. Then, you're gone.

Yes, I know I have the wrong number. I want to know if I dialled wrong or...

Why? Why do they just hang up like that?

See? That stinks. You can't eat that. Take that back. Cantaloupe like this should be out of circulation.

I'm completely changing the configuration of the apartment. You're not gonna believe it when you see it. Whole new lifestyle. What are you doing? Levels.

I'm getting rid of all my furniture, all of it... ...and I'm gonna build these different levels. You know, with steps. And it'll all be carpeted. With a lot of pillows. You know, like ancient Egypt.

You drew up plans for this? No. No, it's all in my head.

Well, you don't think I can, huh? No, it's not that I don't think you can. I know that you can't, and I'm positive that you won't.

Well, I got the tools. I got the pillows. All I need is the lumber.

So how are your levels coming along? Well, I decided I'm not gonna do it. Really? What a shock.

So... ...when do I get my dinner? There's no dinner. The bet's off. I'm not gonna do it. Yes, I know you're not gonna do it. That's why I bet.

We didn't bet on if you wanted to do it... ...we bet on if it would be done. And it could be done. Well, of course it could be done. Anything could be done, but it only is done if it's done.

Three hundred a month? Oh, my God.

Can I say one thing to you? And I say this with an unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality. - Absolutely. - It's fabulous.

So, what was it, 400? Five hundred? Did you pay 500 for this? Over 6? Can't be 7. Don't tell me you paid $700 for this jacket.

You are sick! Is that what you paid for this jacket? Over 700?! What did you pay for this jacket? I won't say anything. I wanna know what you paid for this jacket. Oh, my God! A thousand dollars?!

Hey. Hey, will you do me a solid?

I can't stand doing laundry, that's why I have 40 pairs of underwear. Because instead of doing a wash, I just keep buying underwear. My goal is to have over 360 pair. That way, I only have to do wash once a year.

Let me hear you try a Scottish accent. That's Irish. Irish, Scottish. What's the difference, lassie?

Someone's in a life-and-death situation, and we're thinking: 'Sorry, buddy. Should've thought of that when you were eating cheese omelets for breakfast every morning for the last 30 years.'

That's as good as anything you do.

You're the one that likes that commercial! He told you that?

Cotton Dockers! One hundred percent cotton Dockers. If they're not Dockers, they're just pants.

What did you do? Mousse. I moussed up.

I feel like I've had two lives. My pre-mousse, and now I begin my post-mousse.

You're a good-looking guy. What do you want to walk around like that for? No, I'll put a half a can of mousse in my head like you.

Come on. She'll pay you back. What's 5 grand between friends? Of course I'd pay you back. Yeah. So, what's the problem?

I just found a guy who's willing to pay $10,000 for the apartment. Ten thousand? Cash! Who would pay that much? He's in the music business.

Well, occasionally, I like to help the humans.

Why don't you just settle it like mature adults? - Potato man. - No, no. No potato man. Inka-dink.

And you are... - Wait a minute. No. ...it - What? What are you doing? No, no. Oh, okay. All right. He's out, I get it. - No, no, no. I'm it. I win. - No. He's it. He wins. It is good.

You know, you owe me one. - What? - The inka-dink. You were it. - It's bad? - It's very bad.

Hot down there in the summer. You ever been down there?

Freeze, mama! Hey, hey... Shut up! Spread them. I said, spread them! You're in big trouble, son. Burglary, grand larceny...possession of stolen goods. And murder! Murder? Shut up! Keep them spread. You just make love to that wall, pervert.

Yeah, I'm a cop. I'm a good cop. I'm a damn good cop! And today's your lucky day, junior. Because I'm gonna let you off with just a warning. Any more of this criminal activity, and you'll be sorry. You got me?

Well, let's put it this way: I didn't take him to People's Court.

Get this, I got it all on video.

Have you ever met my guys? - No, I can't say as I have. - Well...

He jumped. - Newman jumped.

He jumped from the second floor.

Well, you know, I was thinking, if things don't exactly... work out...

do you think it'd be all right if I called Susan Davis?

Well, it's not like we'll be bumping into you.

It's like Sizzler opened up a hospital.

They gonna do a zipper job? Oh, they love to do zipper jobs.

You get that heart pumping... Suddenly, boom! Next thing you know... you got a hose coming out of your chest attached to a piece of luggage.

Now he's sitting in a chair by a window going: 'My name is Bob!'

First visit? 38 bucks.

182 bucks. Cash? You've gotta be kidding. What kind of gift is that? That's like something her uncle would give her.

Think where man's glory most begins and ends... and say my glory was I had such a friend. Yeats.

Boy, I really liked the two of you much better when you weren't a couple.

Why don't you just settle it like mature adults? -Potato man. -No, no. No potato man. Inka-dink.

Wait a minute. No. -...it -What? What are you doing? No, no. Oh, okay. All right. He's out, I get it. -No, no, no. I'm it. I win. -No. He's it. He wins. It is good.

You just make love to that wall, pervert.

Yeah, I'm a cop. I'm a good cop. I'm a damn good cop!

Well, let's put it this way: I didn't take him to People's Court.

If anything happens here, can I count on you? If we decide to go at it. Yeah, I wanna get into a rumble.

It's like waiting in the shower for the conditioner to work.

Take the K-man, a little support.

Well, I'm not an idiot. Certainly not. Then we're cool. Y-- Yeah. Yeah, w-w-we're cool.

Habla espanol? Oh, my God. Si. Como se dice... waterbed?

You got anything to drink? Agua.

His cat's gone.

You know, my aunt, she had a cat, ran away, showed up three years later. You never know.

Unless, of course, somebody else starts feeding her. See, that's what you got to worry about.

54th and 6th. Sperry Rand Building, 14th floor, Morgan Apparel. Mention my name, she'll give you the key.

Lincoln Center, Alice Tully Hall, the Met. Magnificent facilities.

The guy slept with Marilyn Monroe. He's in Dinky Doughnuts.

Joe DiMaggio dunks his doughnuts? That's right. See, now I know it's not him. Joe DiMaggio could not be a dunker.

Like I'm sitting there, and I-- (banging sounds implied)

He wouldn't move. So then I started doing these yelping noises

He dunks like he hits.

You see? Now, that is a handsome man. Oh, please.

You come barging in here, asking me to contribute money... to a volcano relief fund for Krakatoa. It was supposed to erupt.

Yeah, Tina likes the couch.

I saw her naked. He saw me naked. Kramer saw me naked.

You'll sense it.

My friend Bob Sacamano had shock treatments. But his synapses were so large, had no effect.

[Kramer appears completely naked]

Listen, you want some leftovers? I made some African food. There's yambalas and sambusa.

It's invisible. So is everything cool or what?

This is a lonely woman looking for companionship. A spinster. Maybe a virgin.

Needs a little Kramer, huh?

Oh, tattletale. / I didn't tattle. / Well, what did this guy do? / I never figured you for a squealer. / He sang like a canary.

So, what's a guy gotta do around here to get a library card?

That is great poetry. You should be published. / It's great.

Hello! / Hello! / Hello! / Hello.

It's... It's Marion's poetry. / I can't take it!

I kind of like those sticks. I'd like to get them in my house.

A spinster. Maybe a virgin.

Needs a little Kramer, huh?

So, what's a guy gotta do around here to get a library card?

Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello.

Fish. What do they do? - What do you do?

I remember Orange. I thought it was Orange. - I didn't pay attention.

How long can fish live in one of these plastic bags? - I don't know. Maybe two hours.

His eyes look a little cloudy. - See? - Oh, those are your eyes.

These fish are dying. In an hour they'll be belly-up! That's not me talking, that's science!

What's the difference? We'll all be dead eventually. - Does that bother you? - Yeah, it bothers me. - Doesn't it bother you? - Not at all.

Well, I once saw this thing on TV with people who are terminally ill. Every one of them believed that the secret of life is just to live every moment.

Some guy left it over at my mother's house.

I mean, the guy had a fat fetish. The inspector never dated a woman under 250 pounds.

I can see not caring what happens to us. We're human. But what about the fish? The fish?

Boy, I had a hell of a time finding that air conditioner. You know I looked everywhere? I completely forgot where I hid it. You know where it was? - Purple 23. - Right. Purple 23.

Sometimes it's good to write those things down.

Statute. / What? / Statute of limitations. It's not a statue. / No, it's statue. / Fine. It's a sculpture of limitations.

Would you please?! / Is it for a job or something? / Later! / You're positive it's statute? / Yes! Yes!

Oh, my God. Let me hear. Wait, wait, wait. Who is this woman? I don't know. I have no idea.

Tell her. I want to hear her reaction. This woman left this sexy message... Not that, you idiot! What? The Chinese! The Chinese bald cure!

Well, we're talking with Elaine Benes, adult film star, on the set of her new picture, Elaine Does the Upper West Side.

Sheriff.

And I think that I see a couple of buds right here.

Crop circles? Why don't you buy something? You got something in your teeth.

My mother's going out with this guy who leaves a jacket in her house. She gives to me. Well, two years later, he shows up and takes it back. Now he's in prison. Got arrested for mail fraud.

Peter Von Nostrand.

I got stamped at the reggae lounge last night. I'm going back there tonight. I'm not gonna pay another cover charge.

You didn't wash all day? Yeah, I washed. Just not the hand.

You're as pretty as any of them. Just need a nose job.

I had the directions on the seat right next to me. They flew out the window.

I knew the exit on the Long Island Expressway... and I thought that the address was 8713 Riviera Drive. So I drove around... knocking on everybody's doors that had those numbers. 8317, 7813, 3718, 1837... Finally, I hit it. 8173.

I couldn't get the top on the convertible up. But it's cold out. Wait till we get on the Expressway.

Jerry, he doesn't have anything. But I might have something.

Listen, there's a pair of gloves in the glove compartment... Could you mail those to me?

Right out of the clear blue sky? ... Clear blue sky. ... Why didn't they ask me? ... I got a quality.

So I start to walk, and I trip. And the grocery bag goes flying... and Woody starts laughing... It started to come out of his nose.

I didn't see him.

Boy, these pretzels are making me thirsty.

These pretzels are making me thirsty.

A cookie! ... Can you give him a cookie? ... How's he gonna chew it? ... Move his teeth. Worked for my uncle.

Cookies don't liquefy. ... They do. You can liquefy a cookie.

Well, one of the pieces must've hit Woody... and he started crying.

Boy, I really nailed that scene.

You can smell me without the drink.

Boy, that Hennigan goes down smooth... and afterwards, you don't even smell.

That's right, folks. I just had three shots of Hennigan's, and I don't smell. Imagine, you can walk around drunk all day. That's Hennigan's, the no-smell, no-tell Scotch.

I'm gonna tell you what I think. I know you don't care what I think, but I'm gonna tell you. I think that you are terrific. That's all.

Say you got a big job interview and you're nervous. Throw back a couple of shots of Hennigan's and you'll be as loose as a goose and ready to roll in no time.

Hey, did Jerry leave that drink next to Dick's on purpose? / No. / George? / Over here.

Hey, Jerry, when do you consider sex has taken place? / I would say... when the nipple makes its first appearance.

List of Kramer's driving violations including 'no doors'

Not only did they find it, it was simonized, and the front end was aligned

His father was a mudder. His mother was a mudder. His mother was a mudder? What did I say?

Extended Mets analysis between Kramer and naked man

If they win it this year, I'll sit naked with you at the World Series.

Kramer's horse racing victory celebration

Hey, smell my arm.

What? Smell it. Smell it. With all due respect, I don't think so.

The beach. The beach? Did you go swimming? It's 29 degrees. No, I just joined the Polar Bear Club.

What the hell's a Polar Bear? These people go swimming in the winter. They're terrific.

It's invigorating. Yeah... so is shock therapy.

What is that, a PEZ dispenser? Yeah. You want one?

Hey, what goes on there, exactly? You don't know? No, I know. I know. You think they have fleas there, don't you? No. Yes, you do, Biff.

You've never been, and you think they have fleas there. All right, I think they have fleas there. So what?

Here, you want this? You don't want it? No, I bought five of them. Wow, great. Thanks.

What are you, a baby? All right, tell him. When I was outside, I ran into John Mollica. Really? John Mollica?

Oh, sure. The guy I told to pour the Gatorade that killed Marty Benson?

Can I get in on that? What do you think, it's like a poker game?

You know, I got a great idea for a cologne. It's called 'The Beach.' You spray it on, and it's just like you came home from the beach.

That is the dumbest idea I've ever heard. Whoa, wait a minute. You... Did you hear what I just said? You think people are gonna pay $80 a bottle to smell like dead fish and seaweed?

So you don't think that it's a good idea?

He can't stay. This is for close friends only. Hey, I'm a friend. Who told him to pour the Gatorade over Marty Benson's head?

Hey, I got somebody to make up that cologne for me, bigmouth. Somebody's going to make that crap?

The male kangaroo doesn't have a pouch. Only the female has it, so the male has pouch envy! Why should she have this huge pouch and I have nothing? I have things to carry too. At least give me a pocket.

Give me 2 bucks. I'll do it for 2 bucks.

There's no way I'd touch that bag for less than $2.

You're not getting no Drake's Coffee Cake for 50 cents.

I give them 24 hours to get out of it. They can't get out of it by 24 hours, it's a land rush.

You know my friend Bob Sakamano? The guy from Jersey. He just got a job at a condom factory. Look at this. He gave me a gross.

What will you do with all of them? Oh, well... Take some, Jerry. Grab them.

The next one of you that opens your mouth, you'll have to deal with me. I bet I know what this is about. It's about a woman, isn't it? You see! This is exactly what they want to do to you.

They play one against the other. You can't let them manipulate you like that. Come on, there are plenty women out there for all of us. Shake. Yes! You see? Isn't that better than fighting?

You wanna fight with somebody, you fight with me. By the way, those condoms I gave you? They're defective. Don't use them.

What? Yeah. Defective? Yeah. How could you give me a defective condom? I didn't even know they were defective. Didn't think you'd use them.

Now, don't you two see that you're in love with each other? I mean, why can't you face that already? You're running around looking for something not even there when everything you dream of is right here in front of you.

By the way, when you see George, give him these. These'll work. I knew those condoms were defective! How did you know they were defective?! Because! Because she missed her period!

You chuck. -Kramer, am I a chucker? -Oh, you're a chucker.

All these years, you never told me? -It's not an easy thing to bring up.

It's too busy. You're trying too hard to make an impression on him. You're not being yourself.

Keith...Hernandez. Keith Hernandez! Keith Hernandez!

I hate Keith Hernandez. Hate him! I despise him.

As he passes us, Newman turns and says, 'Nice game, pretty boy.'

Then, a second later, something happened...that changed us in a very deep and profound way...from that day forward.

He spit on us! And I screamed out, 'I'm hit!'

I'm Vandalay Industries? Right. What is that? You're in latex. Latex? Right. What do I do with latex? I don't know! You manufacture it!

Right here in this little apartment? And what do I say about you? You're considering hiring me for your latex salesman.

I don't think so. Why would I do that? Because I asked you to.

If you think I'm looking for someone to just sit...pushing papers around, you can forget it. I've got enough headaches just trying to manufacture the stuff.

Vandalay Industries. Kell Varnsen speaking.

What delay industries? No! Vandalay! Say Vandalay! No, you're way, way, way off!

And you want to be my latex salesman.

Kramer demonstrates 360 dunk, presumably failing spectacularly in confined space

"O'Brien? Why would he wanna be called O'Brien?"

Kramer's conspiracy theory about Jerry being too clean and organized

"Jerry's a Nazi?" "I can't even believe I didn't see it."

"Always so clean and organized." as evidence Jerry is a Nazi

"There's no real person can act the way he does." about George

"George and Jerry, they probably know who killed Kennedy."

That's where England used to send their convicts. But not anymore.

I was watching Entertainment Tonight and suddenly I got dizzy and hit my head on the coffee table.

It's too bad you can't say anything because of Angela.

Jerry waking up to find Kramer in his apartment

I was watching Thirty Seconds Over Tokyo... and I wanted to get some popcorn... so I used the spare keys

Kramer using Jerry's bathroom with the door open while Jerry desperately needs to use it

Is that my towel? - Yes.

Kramer appearing just as they finish the game

The entire key exchange argument and physical struggle

I broke the covenant of the keys.

I was clinging to those keys, man... like a branch on the banks of a raging river... and now I have let go. And I'm free to go with the current... to float.

Having the keys to Jerry's apartment... that kept me in a fantasy world... Better food, better view, better TV. Cleaner. Oh, much cleaner.

I was living in twilight, George. Living in the shadows, living in the darkness... like you.

Do you ever yearn? - Yearn? Do I yearn? - I yearn. - You yearn? Oh, yes. Yes, I yearn. Often I sit and yearn.

The entire interrogation sequence where Kramer systematically destroys George's life

Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning? - I like to get the Daily News.

Up here, I'm already gone.

The entire motorcycle ride with the psychotic driver

You think these hands have been soaking in Ivory Liquid, huh?

Well, nothing's sexier than a woman behind the wheel of a semi. - Nothing? - Well...

Kramer appearing on Murphy Brown as Steven Snell

I got bad news for you, buddy. I think your car got stolen again.

What's the difference? / Well, there's no difference. You know, I'm just curious. / Always have to know everything that's going on, don't you?

If I don't tell you, it'll kill you, won't it? / Yeah, yeah. It'll kill me. / You have to know. / You must know. / I must know.

Well, I'm not telling you. / Come on. / Nope. I don't think so. / Well, please? / Not today, pal.

Now, see, just saying 'beg' doesn't make it a real beg. You gotta put some beg into it.

All right, but your begging needs a lot of work.

Why didn't they ask me to go? / Would you stop it, already? / Why didn't they ask me to go? / I don't know! How am I supposed to know? / What, they don't like me? / I don't like you.

Because I'm like ice, buddy. When I don't like you, you got problems.

Come on. What'd he say? / Why is that? Why do you have to know everything?

And I don't want you to say it. I want you to put some beg in it. Go on.

He thinks you're a phoney. / He what? / I told you. He thinks you're a phoney. / A phoney? He called me a phoney? / A big phoney. Big one.

Why did you tell me that if I can't say anything? / You begged me.

25-percent bran flakes. The 40 percent was too much, so I found a store to make it special. They take it down another 15 percent.

Judgment, Jerry, judgment. You exercise no judgment!

I'm sorry. I don't care for that sorry. / What's wrong with that sorry? That was a good sorry. / It was a so-so sorry.

Kramer, what are you doing here?! / Jerry, now calm down. It's okay.

I was watching Thirty Seconds Over Tokyo... and I wanted to get some popcorn... so I used the spare keys

It's not broken.

What does it look like? What?

Is that my towel? / Yes.

How was I to know it would be sold out? / That's the point. / What point?

Oh, great! Okay, all right. Fine, you go ahead. Take the keys. But you're gonna regret this.

I broke the covenant of the keys.

I was clinging to those keys, man... like a branch on the banks of a raging river... and now I have let go. And I'm free to go with the current... to float.

Every time I went over to his house, it was like I was on vacation. Better food, better view, better TV. Cleaner. Oh, much cleaner.

I was living in twilight, George. Living in the shadows, living in the darkness... like you.

I can barely see you, George.

Do you ever yearn? / I yearn. / You yearn? / Oh, yes. Yes, I yearn. Often I sit and yearn.

Do you have a job? No. You got money? No. Do you have a woman? No. Do you have any prospects? No. You got anything on the horizon? No. Do you have any action at all? No.

Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?

Up here, I'm already gone.

And then the evil ogre took back the magical keys... from the handsome young prince.

have you ever killed a man? What do you think? You think these hands have been soaking in Ivory Liquid, huh?

Kramer's color-based acting technique explanation

'And you have a full palette of emotions.'

Kramer being ejected from the Murphy Brown set

'Well, I don't remember that part.'

'You scream good.' / 'You too.'

Kramer's Eva Braun miniseries pitch

'What was it like having sex with Adolf Hitler? What do you wear in a bunker?'

Kramer's awkward encounter with Fred Savage

'It's fate. You can't avoid your fate.'

What? Me? Fabulous. Just fabulous. I got a lot of auditions, a lot of callbacks. I got a lot of interest in my movie treatment. You know, I'm in development. I'm developing vehicles.

Man, there's a lot of energy here, man. You know, the vibe, it's powerful. I'm just swept up in it. Yeah, I'm a player. You're a player? Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm a player.

Hey, guess who I met today. Fred Savage. Oh, nice kid. A really good kid. You know, we're talking about doing a project together.

Do you know why you're here? What, this? I'll be out of here in a couple of hours.

Help me! Oh, God, help me! Get me out of here! George, Jerry, get me out! Get me...! I didn't kill anyone. I swear. I swear to God!

How'd you know about the guy in the park?

Yes, I'm free because the murderer struck again. Hey!

Do? Do? Hey, I'm doing what I do. You know, I've always done what I do. I'm doing what I do. The way I've always done it, and the way I'll always do it.

That L.A.'s a cold place even in the middle of summer. That it's a lonely place even when you're stuck in traffic on the freeway?

That I'm no better than the screenwriter driving a cab, the starlet turning tricks, the producer in a house he can't afford?

Well, I'm not saying that. You know, things are going pretty well for me here. I met a girl. Kramer, she was murdered.

Yeah, well, you know, I wasn't looking for a long-term relationship.

I was on TV. As a suspect in a serial killing. Okay, yeah, all right. You guys gotta put a negative spin on everything.

What do they put in this tuna? Tastes like a dill. I think it's a dill.

No, it's a tarragon. Oh, you're crazy.

No, no. I don't like this one. It's too yellow.

I had a girlfriend. And she was pretty wild. - I don't remember you with a girl. - Nevertheless.

Are you reneging out of the deal? Are you reneging? - That's a renege. - Stop saying 'reneging.'

Does that thing work? - No.

I don't like it. - What don't you like? - I don't like the idea of a character based on me.

I get to play Kramer. - You can't play Kramer. - I am Kramer. - But you can't act.

Oh, hello. Oh, hello. - Hello.

Why don't you give me your home number, and I'll call you later? - I'm sorry. We're not allowed to do that. - I guess you don't want people calling you at home. - No. - Well, now you know how I feel.

September third. - The third? - The third?

What is this? Why do I got one pant leg on for?

Yo-Yo Ma!

Hey, Yo-Yo Ma.

See! Told you! I told you!

What do you mean, 'in my own words'? Whose words are they gonna be?

'Sonny boy, take a good look at him. That's gonna be you someday.'

Kramer frantically searching for remote while only wearing one pant leg

You only shaved the right side of your face

Ooh-huh-hey-ya!

A dry-cleaning bill for vomiting on her vest

Yo-Yo Ma.

What? Yo-Yo Ma? What about it? You just said 'Yo-Yo Ma.' What's Yo-Yo Ma? He's a cellist.

Kramer speaking Italian on phone due to head injury

Jerry's paranoid whisper 'Is that Joe Davola?' followed by Kramer's loud 'It's not him!'

I never had an air conditioner. No. That's no reason to kill yourself. Why? It gets hot at night. You can't sleep.

I was never able to become a banker. So you're killing yourself because your dreams of becoming a banker have gone unfulfilled. You can't live without being a banker. Must be a banker!

Yo-Yo Ma!

What do you mean, 'in your own words'? Whose words are they gonna be?

Well, my father, when I was a kid, he took me to the bank. And he lifted me up. And he pointed to the teller and he said, 'Sonny boy, take a good look at him. That's gonna be you someday.'

So, what do you make for something like that, 50, 60,000? What's the difference? The money's not important.

Hey, you're not gonna get away with this. I'll fight this! I've got witnesses. I saw the whole thing.

Oh, some guy kicked me in the side of the head. / What guy? / Crazy Joe Davola. / Why? / Well, I was having this party... and I didn't invite him, and then Jerry tipped him off.

But the doctor says it's just a slight concussion.

What, I'm not eating bread now. I'm off bread.

Maybe he's got, like, a cheerful mental hold on you.

Can you do that? - Yeah, I'm your boyfriend. Yeah. - Okay. - Have we been intimate?

All right. All right. We do it... ...five times a week, okay? - Oh, baby.

It kills the spontaneity. You know, Gleason, he never rehearsed.

...and allow us to pursue our courtship unfettered.

Look at this building. What is this? I don't know. It's a building. - The doors are on a diagonal. - So what? It's architecturally incorrect.

Well, that's a little strange. - Why does that surprise you? - Well, it's a very popular drink. - This is an office. - That's true.

My face is on... ...Mount Rushmore. - Yes, of course. That's it. I guess I'm just used to seeing it on a much larger scale. Oh, yeah, right. I replaced Teddy Roosevelt. Oh, really? Trustbuster. Bust this.

I'm in love. I just met her outside in the street. Her name's Elaine. She is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.

Top of the morning to you. What do you say? What do you be?

You know, Jerry's left, but listen, you see, my golf game got canceled. I'm thinking of going up myself. They got pies, and I got the directions right here.

My Cubans.

Hey, George, maybe you can ask Susan's father for some more.

What are you, crazy? I can't ask the guy for more cigars after you burned down his cabin. - What's one thing got to do with another?

The grass has big brown patches in it. They don't rake the sand traps. Not to mention the calibre of people you have to play with.

Well, it's a very private matter, but extremely urgent. - Are you an American? - Oh, yeah.

You realize, of course, these are illegal in your country. - Well, illegal, huh? I like that jacket.

She's one of these low-talkers. You can't hear a word. You're always going, 'Excuse me? What was that?'

You could've damaged my hands! - What? It's just a toy.

You said that you would agree to wear the puffy shirt on the Today show.

I was just nodding. - There you go. - Where I go?

This pirate trend she's come up with, Jerry... This is gonna be the new look for the '90s. You're gonna be the first pirate.

It was destroying my brain cells... but now you're in here all the time

There's weather. I don't need weather. Weather doesn't do it for me.

It's a big, flat noodle. Well, I don't want a big, flat noodle.

Who is Joseph Cotten? Giddyup.

Then, I got a call this morning. I was chosen to go on the space shuttle. We're going to Mars. - Have a good time.

I'm out.

Well, it was that woman across the street. You know, you better be careful, buddy. She'll get you next.

Nothing like some good, solid sack-time. - She's not there. - She's doing her wash.

Do you hear what you're saying? Can you hear it? This is a beautiful woman walking around naked and you wanna tell her to stop? That's the dumbest thing I ever heard!

When we were boys looking through our windows we'd think, 'Why can't a woman out there take her clothes off?' Now that wish has come true, and you wanna throw it away?

For my sake. God knows, I don't ask you for much. Please, Jerry. I'm begging you. Please! Come on! Please!

She's not there. - Oh, I can wait.

All you got is instant coffee? Why don't you get some real coffee? - I don't keep real coffee here. I get my coffee on the outside.

Yeah, you fell asleep on the sofa, and I took them off your stinking feet! They looked so good, I had to have them!

This is ridiculous. - You believe this? We're fighting. I haven't been myself. I'm snapping at people. I'm yelling at strangers on the street.

You caved? - It's over? - You're out? - Oh, my God. The queen is dead.

I like to stop At the duty-free shop

Gee, I'm sorry. I got here first. I don't care. I want the magazine.

You know what I would do to you if I wasn't in these shackles? But you are, Blanche. You are in the shackles.

Oh, I can't wait to read my TIME magazine. Last copy too. Maybe I'll read it tomorrow, in the park. Supposed to be a beautiful day. Have a nice life...sentence, that is.

He took the cash and...disappears. I tried to find him. I went to his girlfriend's house, even his family. Never got that money back. He screwed me.

Let's go. Listen to the bell, Grossbard. It tolls for thee.

Supersavers? Are they refundable? You bought nonrefundable tickets. You idiot.

Do you recognize me? No. Come on. Twenty years ago. What? Eighteenth Street? I don't know what you're talking about. Give me your money. Where's your wallet? The $240.

Say, she was clever. You know? She put her picture on her card. I should do that. I never do anything like that. / You want a picture on a Christmas card? I can do that.

She kept such a nice, clean apartment. She was so sanitary. / No. I was just thinking out loud. I don't want my picture on a card. / No, no, I'll take your picture. I'll take care of everything.

I don't know about that outfit, though. / Why, what's wrong with it? / Well, we'll have to improvise.

Just wait over here. / What? / Just wait here, and I'll get it for you.

How tall are you? / 5'10". / Well, let's see. Come on, back-to-back. / No, Kramer!

I could have been a millionaire. I could have been a fragrance millionaire, Jerry.

Hey, everybody's got 'em. Look, I got 'em. / I got 'em too. See? Everybody's got 'em!

I thought you said it was a scratch. / But that's not what she thinks.

Interesting face. / Yeah? / You're very lithe, aren't you? Very graceful. / Well, yeah. / Sit down. / All right. [KICKS COUCH] Ooh!

I think you're spectacular. / Oh?

Well, how's that easier? I mean, then you would owe me $12.50 instead of me owing you $7.50. Either way. Yeah, it's the same thing.

Tell you what. Give me the 20, I'll buy you a popcorn and soda and I'll throw in a bonbons. George, you're sapping my strength.

Excuse me, have you seen a guy with, like... a horse face, big teeth and a pointed nose? Flared nostrils? Yeah. Nope. Haven't seen him.

You took my seat? You owe me $7.50. Yeah. Right. What is this stain? It's yellow mustard. Can you break a 20?

Men can sit through the most pointless, boring movie...if there's the slightest possibility that a woman will take her top off.

Or I could take the 20, and I could pay you later. - Yeah, you could. - Might be easier. - Well, how's that easier? I mean, then you would owe me $12.50...instead of me owing you $7.50.

George, you're sapping my strength.

You took my seat? - You owe me $7.50. - Yeah. Right.

I just thought of a great name for myself, if I ever become a porno actor. Oh, yeah? What? Buck Naked? Yeah. How did you know that? You told me that already. Like two months ago.

How you gonna get out of that one? I don't know. I guess I have to wait for her to die.

Because you know me, I walk into a room, problem solved.

There may be a problem with the phone. This phone's a piece of junk.

You know there are tribes in Indonesia where if you keep your coat on in somebody's house, the families go to war.

You're thin, late 30s, single. So are you. Yeah.

You know just because you two are homosexuals, so what? I mean, you should come out of the closet and be openly gay already.

Buck Naked? - Yeah. How did you know that? - You told me that already. Like two months ago.

Well, I don't wanna sit there naked all by myself.

Because you know me, I walk into a room, problem solved.

Happy birthday. 'Faruba!' - Today's not my birthday. - Well, I beg to differ. - Well, I think I know when my birthday is. - Yeah, well, you'd think so, but you'd be wrong.

It's a con. These agencies are usually a front for some money-laundering scheme. Or they're bunco artists. Bilking people out of their life savings.

The alternative media, Jerry. That's where you hear the truth.

Those records are worth more than 5 dollars. He's gypping us. You're gypping us.

Wait, wait, wait. Sergio Mendes has a cult following. Why, they follow him like a cult. Can't walk down the street in South America.

We'll be back, Jack. We'll be back... Jack.

That guy can't even go to the bathroom in South America.

The coot's sitting on a mountain of gold.

He's biting me!

Come on, we lost the old man.

Make us. Make us. Make us. Make us.

A real brouhaha.

If that's Rushdie, they're real. If they're real, that's Rushdie.

Bass, Jerry. Instead of salmon, he went with bass. He just substituted one fish for another.

It's gonna be like a log cabin. Because I need wood around me. Wood, Jerry. Wood.

You bought me dishwashing gloves. There's no fine touch.

The mother lode.

Pay dirt.

Hey. I just learned that.

Are you asking because you saw 20/20 last night? I sure am.

Come on, Jerry, you gotta see the operation. They're gonna cut him open. His guts will be all over the place. They'll saw through bone. We'll see what's inside bone.

Isn't that where they remove the..? Don't ruin it. I haven't seen it yet.

Then we'll watch them go slice this fat bastard up.

What are you eating? Junior Mints. You want one? No. Here. Take one. I don't want one. No, they're good. I don't want any. Just take one. No. Stop... Kramer, stop it.

Did it go in? Yes. Over the balcony, bounced off some respirator thing... into the patient.

What do you mean, 'Into the patient'? Into the patient. Literally. Into the hole? Yes. The hole.

Why'd you force that mint on me? I didn't want the mint! What? I didn't believe you. How could you not? Well, who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint. It's delicious. That's true. It's very refreshing.

We gotta confess. Really? Yes. We could be tried for murder. I can't have this on my conscience. We're Leopold and Loeb.

Hello. Hello, I'm Kramer. Nice to meet you. See you later.

Mint? Those can be very refreshing.

They're so fascinating. Why is that? Because they don't want us. You gotta respect that.

I'm Kramer.

Don't like the Drake? - Hate the Drake. - I love the Drake. - How could you not like the Drake? - Who's the Drake?

If I had a kid, I would name him Isosceles. Isosceles Kramer.

Have you ever seen a handicapped person pull into a space and park?... No, they don't. If they could drive, they wouldn't be handicapped.

It's the same thing with the feminists. They want everything to be equal. Everything. But when the check comes, where are they?

I'm in love.

She's got everything I've always wanted in another human being. Except for the walking.

we're gonna look out the window, see her crawling along Fifth Avenue. Is that what you want?

She rolled right over me.

Said I was a hipster doofus. Am I a hipster doofus?

My grandmother's in the hospital. / Your grandmother's in the hospital!

Mine was better than that!

Oh, my God, it's Crazy Joe Davola!

This is Martin Van Nostrand. / What are you doing here? / You two know each other? / Wait a minute. I know you! You're the guy from the Calvin Klein underwear ads.

You know, I heard her screaming from my apartment. She woke me up a few times.

I know how to press those buttons, buddy.

You know, I faked it. What? Yeah. You faked it? Why would you do that? Well, you know, if it's enough already, and I just wanna get some sleep.

Bad peach? It's terrible! Did you get that at Joe's? Of course I got it at Joe's.

You're returning used fruit? Jerry, this peach is subpar. I want restitution.

But what am I gonna do for fruit?

The apples are mealy. The oranges are dry. I don't know what's going on with the papayas.

It's, like, a puffy shirt. Well, yeah, it's all puffy. Like the pirates used to wear.

See, I think people wanna look like pirates. It's the right time for it. To be all puffy and devil-may-care, you know.

I don't get it. Me neither. - What is it? - I don't know. They're hands.

You could've damaged my hands! - What? It's just a toy.

Since I what? - Agreed to wear the puffy shirt.

This? - Yeah. I agreed to wear this? - Yeah, yeah.

This pirate trend she's come up with, Jerry... This is gonna be the new look for the '90s. You're gonna be the first pirate.

You know, it's really not a bad-looking shirt.

It's, like, a puffy shirt. Well, yeah, it's all puffy. Like the pirates used to wear.

I think people wanna look like pirates. It's the right time for it. To be all puffy and devil-may-care, you know.

Are you crazy?! Are you crazy?! You could've damaged my hands! / What? It's just a toy.

Since I what? / Agreed to wear the puffy shirt. / What are you talking about? You said that you would agree to wear the puffy shirt on the Today show.

In two months' time, everybody's gonna be wearing the pirate look.

Hot, hot. / I'm sorry. / McKigney had a few good years.

They gave them to Goodwill. / Puffy shirt. Puffy shirt.

Did he use a lot of slang? Did he use the word 'man'?

They live in the bathroom.

All right, here. You call him right now, okay? See if he's sniffing right now.

He went to South America.

Yeah, and they come back with things taped to their large intestine.

Yes, I'm impugning a continent.

We set up a sting. You know, like Abscam. Like Abscam, Jerry.

One more peep out of you, you're out of the operation.

I'll have a brewski, Charlie. - The name's Mitch.

Yeah, I've been known to drink a beer or two. But then again, I've been known to do a lot of things.

Well, I suck them down like Coca-Cola.

Well, here's to feeling good all the time, huh?

You should try this new dental floss, Glide. It's fantastic. - I use Dentotape.

You know, you're an idiot. - Why, because I use Dentotape? - Right. Anyone who uses Dentotape is an idiot.

I'm hip. - Hip to what? - To the whole scene. - What scene? - The bathroom scene.

What's the matter, you got a cold? - No, man.

-Did you give him the room number? -Yeah, 1397. 1937.

1937, 1937. Excuse me. Do you know where the elevator is? Yeah, it's right around the corner there. 1937.

Oh, God! It's a pig-man. A pig-man!

I'm talking about a pig-man. I walked in the wrong room, and there he was. -A pig-man? -A pig-man. Half pig, half man.

So was sacrificing virgins to appease the gods... but we don't do that anymore. -Well, maybe we should.

That's the guy I told where the elevator was.

Pig-man, baby, pig-man. If I have to hear about this pig-man one more time...

They're probably creating a whole army of pig warriors.

Besides, it makes sex more pleasurable. Yeah. So how does that help me?

Believe me, Jerry, somewhere in this hospital... the anguished oink of pig-man cries out for help.

Wait, George. You got room in the car for the pig-man, huh? The pig-man can take the bus.

George, if the pig-man had a car, he would give you a ride. How do you know? What if the pig-man had a two-seater?

Listen, you little quack. There was a half man, half pig in that room over there. Now, where is he? Where is he?! Half what? You know what I mean! Pork. Sausage. 'That's all, folks.'

That damn mohel! He circumcised my finger. -The mohel circumcised my finger. -You flinched.

Well, if it isn't Shaky the Mohel. Nice circumcision, but it's not supposed to be a finger.

And he's not a pig-man, is he? No, he's not. He's just a fat little mental patient.

You're getting heavy. What? You look like you put on 5... 10 pounds.

I'll tell you something else... you're looking a little chunky yourself. Me? Yeah.

Oh, my God! I've gained 7 pounds! I've gained 8! I told you.

What about me? You? You're getting old.

Maybe your yogurt isn't so nonfat. Oh, guess again, tubby.

Hey, I'll tell you what, chubs. If that yogurt has fat in it, I will put myself on an all-yogurt diet... for a week.

Well, let's start the insanity. Giddyup.

Hey, fatso, I got a 90 in biology.

You can't take that chemist out. Why not? Because she's like the jury. She's gotta be sequestered.

It smells. Smells bad. Smells really bad. That's enough. What? With the smells.

So people can go around... saying hello to one another. Oh, I see. So you go, 'Hey, you know who I saw wilding today? Herb!'

Fat!

Nonfat yogurt? Oh, my God. They got Giuliani, and he doesn't know it!

Apparently some blood spilled into Mr. Giuliani's test tube... causing his cholesterol count... to be 150 points higher than was initially reported.

Of course. Wouldn't let that butcher cut my hair.

Gino, you've outdone yourself this time. This is the best haircut I've ever had.

He massacred you! I know. You look like you're five years-old.

No way my Gino did that. It's an Enzo.

He knows my hair. You're just imagining things. He doesn't know a thing.

Look at him! He's grotesque! Ya think? Do I think? He's repugnant.

Guess you better keep on his good side.

Yeah, I wouldn't sleep with my back to him if I were you.

I am looser than creamed corn.

My hailing technique is unmatched. See, I get the wrist going side to side and boom! Cabs are crashing into themselves to just pick me up.

But first, she sets the mood perfectly with this New Age music played over ocean sounds. Then she lays you out on this table, and she proceeds to rub oil over your entire body. And she rubs long and deep.

Jerry, she rubs with love.

Don't you ever talk about her like that! Yeah, but why--? That's final!

Come on, just look at me, huh? Now tell me I'm not Kramer.

And then the game-winning field goal went over the net and into the crowd, and I dove over three rows! My back, it's killing me! It's killing me, Jerry! Well, did you get the ball?

How would you describe the smell in this house? Dandruff?

Well, I'm a guest.

You know what would make a great coffee-table book? A coffee-table book about coffee tables.

Get it?

Like a history of coffee tables. Celebrities and their coffee tables.

It's a natural. This is a story that must be told.

This stop is famous for its gyros. You want one?

Well, they got a stand right out on the platform. The gyros are cooked, wrapped and ready to go. Three dollars, no change.

All right. But no bites.

You guys are obviously from Manhattan. Well, he is. I live around the corner. Really? I didn't think any cool guys lived in this neighborhood.

Well, they do now. The neighborhood's changing.

Gyro.

I'm doing a coffee-table book on coffee tables. About coffee tables? That's fantastic. Who's your publisher?

It is lobster. She's limiting herself to Latvian Orthodox? This was the only woman I never lied to.

Fungi. What? Fungi.

And what is Brother Costanza planning on telling Mother Costanza?

I think she liked me. What do you mean, she liked you? Liked me. Kramer, they like everybody. They're friendly people. I think I picked up on a vibe.

You picked up on a vibe from a nun. Yeah. Jerry, I'm telling you, I have this power...and I have no control over it.

How do you even know it's hers? Maybe it belonged to Carol. Did you see a name on the tube? I didn't look. Well, take a look. It might not even belong to her.

Yes. He's a doctor.

All this power! Look what I'm doing. I'm dangerous, Jerry. I'm very, very dangerous!

Women are drawn to you. They would give anything to be possessed by you. Help me, Father. Help me!

Hey, what the hell is going on? It stinks. What are you doing? I've got the kavorca. The kavorca? What is that? The lure of the animal. I'm dangerous.

You know, you're funkifying the whole building. Keep away, Jerry. Just keep away.

Get away from me, you creep. Yes. Yes, it worked! Sister Roberta. I still got time to catch her.

Something's wrong. I don't feel the same lure. You don't? What have I..? I must return to the Church.

Jerry, I'm telling you, this phone-sex thing is hilarious.

Mañana I'm doing nada.

I think that you're in love with him.

Try to yodel. Yodel.

I sang '99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall.'

Jerry's told me so much about you, I feel like I know you intimately.

Jerry, that voice is tattooed on my brain, it's her.

Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?

Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?

We have a certain chemistry.

Hey, is it cold out? Really cold. Scary cold? What's your definition of scary cold?

Visual: Jerry and George's shocked reaction to Kramer's enormous puffy coat

It's Gore-Tex. You know about Gore-Tex? You like saying Gore-Tex, don't you?

You're comfortable up there, bubble boy. Oh, yeah. You wish you had this coat.

What if somebody wants to get out of here? People get spaces this good, they never give them up. That's a fallacy.

Why don't you go into the store, and I'll wait in the car? Because I've got the coat. I can sit in the car and not get cold.

Does the heater work in this car? No.

What do you say we get a Mouton Cadet? What's that? It's a Bordeaux. Robust, bold, very dry... as opposed to a Beaujolais, which is richer and fruitier.

Throws your hips off-kilter.

So, what do you do? Oh, I get by.

Big coat. Big coat! Yes. I'm sorry. It's a new coat. It's Gore-Tex.

Somebody double-parked and blocked us in. Does anybody know whose car that is? Maybe there's a note on it. Oh, brother. No. No note.

I really cannot comprehend how stupid people can be sometimes. Can you comprehend it? No, I can't comprehend it.

We can put a man on the moon, but we're still basically very stupid. The guy whose car this is could be the guy that built the rocket.

Are those shoes comfortable? No, not really. They look comfortable. That's why I got them, but they're not.

You think chickens have individual personalities? I don't know. Could you tell five chickens apart... just by the way they acted?

Visual: Kramer does chicken impression/walk

But my friend here has hypothermia. Hypothermia.

Oh, my God. That's Saddam Hussein, the dictator. I told you. I told you.

Hey, you must be Aaron. I've heard about you.

This is like the meeting of Smith and Wesson.

Twenty-five percent? It was your idea. Yeah, I know. You're doing all the legwork. That's right. He's ripping you off.

All right, let's compromise. Twenty-five percent. Okay, it's a deal.

See, when people like you die, the widows, they bring in their wardrobes. They make a bundle.

Hey, you must be Aaron. I've heard about you.

You're doing all the legwork. That's right. He's ripping you off. You're right. He's ripping me off. You should be getting more. He's ripping me off. Don't let him take advantage of you.

All right, let's compromise. Twenty-five percent. Okay, it's a deal.

Put that on the top of your list. Not for me. A little too delightful.

Yo-Yo Ma. Boutros Boutros-Golly.

I saw Jane topless.

Face-up on her back? Yeah. Well, why'd she do that? Well, I guess she was hot.

No, I'm sorry, honey. Not on my watch.

Chicken salad is not the opposite of tuna. Salmon's the opposite of tuna because salmon swim... against the current, and the tuna swim with it.

You're going on Regis and Kathie Lee? Oh, you better believe it.

Coffee tables.

See, the beauty of my book is, if you don't have a coffee table... it turns into a coffee table.

Hey, I just found $20.

They're never in contention. - How do you know? - Because I've seen every Miss America pageant since I was 6.

These girls are Miss America contestants. It's every little girl's dream. I'm not gonna let you trample that dream... and make a mockery of everything the pageant stands for.

Tape her breasts together.

Now, you're very attractive, but you got a big waist.

Well, you got brown eyes. You wanna wear a green dress.

Oh, you're pooh-poohing? - Yes, I pooh-pooh.

I'm taking this kid to the top. To the top, Jerry. We're going for the crown, and you can't stop her. - I don't wanna stop her. - You can't stop her, Jerry!

If you stumble, if you hesitate, you can kiss the crown goodbye. Now, if I told you once, I've told you a thousand times, poise counts! It's just as important as the others. Swimsuit, eveningwear, talent, poise!

You know what I think, Jerry? I think somebody murdered those doves. Somebody who was just eaten up with jealousy. Somebody who couldn't stand to have the spotlight taken off of them.

Don't think that you've won, because you haven't. This kid is a fighter. And if you think I'm gonna let a couple of dead birds get in our way... you're crazy!

What, I get a percentage of every pledge I bring in, right?

She wants you to spend the money, to have the fun that she can't have. This is tantamount to a slap in the face.

A gift not enjoyed is like a flower that doesn't blossom.

Your nana is missing because she's been passing those bum checks all over town and she finally pissed off the wrong people.

I was promised tote bags, and tote bags I shall have.

Well, this situation's driving me crazy. He's all I think about. I can't get him out of my mind. Well, I'm sorry, fella. I mean, I know what it's like to be in love. It just ties you up in knots. And Jerry is a very sexy man.

In fact, we here at PBS, we have many programs celebrating your lifestyle. Armistead Maupin's Tales of the City, gender-bending and swinging in San Francisco.

And as we speak, she's generously writing PBS a check for $1500! She can't do that. She's on a very fixed income. Stop the show!

Maybe she's bulimic. / What? / Bulimic, you know? / Kramer, she's a model. / Exactly.

There you go, monkey boy. Come on.

My mother's a matron! / Babs? / Yeah, there. All right? I said it. You satisfied? Anything else you wanna know?

I'm still carrying a lot of pain. A lot of pain.

Ma? / Cosmo.

All this time I'm trying not to be me. I'm afraid to face who I was. But I'm Cosmo, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer, and that's who I'm gonna be. From now on, I'm Cosmo.

Hi, Cosmo. / Hi, Mr. Clotworthy. / How are you today? / Couldn't be better. / Hi, Lorraine. / Hi, Cosmo.

Ma! / Cosmo. / I'm sorry. We weren't... We didn't... / Cosmo?

So that's here? Yes, yes. You're like Switzerland.

Jerry, Newman and I are engaged in an epic struggle for world domination. It's winner take all. People cannot be trusted.

I'm watching your door. My door? Yeah. From my peephole. Fisheye. Sees all.

What? Not my car!

I'm taking the board with me.

Yeah? The Ukraine. You know what the Ukraine is? It's a sitting duck. A road apple, Newman. The Ukraine is weak. It's feeble. I think it's time to put the hurt on the Ukraine.

Hey, pig!

So, didn't you explain that to the cop? / No, I fled the scene.

- You gonna share with me next time? / - Sure. I swear. / - All right. I'm looking forward to it.

That's like me buying a wheelchair to cruise around in. / Yeah, I've considered that.

Yes, I do, but I don't want anyone else to have them. / Well, that's peculiar.

I like that eye patch.

What do you think, I tell Jerry everything? It's not like he's my wife.

Well, I've been living a lie. / Just one? I'm living, like, 20.

Well, I never actually had cancer. / I'll see you.

I wanna be a pirate.

Can't see on your right side? / No. It's itchy.

Once belonged to Jon Voight.

Good. Revenge is very good.

Well, in the old days when the senators didn't vote the way that the party leaders wanted them to, they whipped them. 'You better vote the way we want you to, or there's gonna be big trouble.'

Well, she's talking a blue streak now, Jack.

Can you believe someone would lie about chemotherapy to get a wig?

You kept making all the stops? Well, people kept ringing the bell!

Tuesday has no feel. Monday has a feel. Friday has a feel. Sunday has a feel. I feel Tuesday and Wednesday.

What is that, a Titleist? A hole in one, huh?

Is George still wearing that toupee? Yeah. Doesn't he know how ridiculous he looks in that thing? I think he looks fantastic. Oh, come on. No. I never realized what an attractive man he is. Oh, he's a real looker, that one.

You look ridiculous in that thing. Is that so? Or could it be that you're just a little bit worried that you may have missed the boat.

Well, I think they might have sutured... that thing... to your brain.

The patented burp, Jerry. It locks in freshness.

You blew it, boy! You really blew it! And you had to ruin it for him, didn't you?

Doesn't he know how ridiculous... he looks in that thing? - I think he looks fantastic. Oh, come on. I never realized what an attractive man he is. Oh, he's a real looker, that one.

No, I think he's got you beat, buddy.

You done with all this? I'm gonna give it to a homeless person.

I don't think so. That's mine. - You gave it to me. - I didn't say you could keep it. See, I don't give away Tupperware. - You should've said something. - I didn't think I had to. Look, with a piece of Tupperware, you just assume.

The patented burp, Jerry. It locks in freshness.

If he was gonna go bald... I never would have introduced them.

Everyone will know everybody's name. People are gonna be a lot friendlier. ... Imagine walking by someone on the floor and you say, 'Hey, Carl'... and he says, 'Hey, Jerry.' That's the kind of society I wanna live in.

You know, your eyeliner's smudged a little. Why do you wear so much eye makeup?

Well, I'm making out my will. Oh, I got a big slice of dough for you, buddy... and you too. I haven't forgotten you.

You don't rob somebody if you know their name. You're robbing me.

You know, I really like that hairdo.

You'd be a damn fool to change it. Nobody wears it like that. It's very becoming.

See, what was I telling you? Isn't this nice?

If I take you right to your door... I have to go all the way around Central Park West, back to Columbus. You know, it's all one-way. Yeah, but it's only three blocks. Right. It's only three blocks.

It's as if I was hitchhiking and she said, 'This is as far as I can take you.'

Well, I'd invite you in... but, you know.

For these German tourists. Pretend that I'm robbing you. So these people can go back home and tell their friends they saw a real New York mugging.

All right, hands up, porky. That's it. Now, give me your wallet. You got it in here, huh, fat boy? Is that all you got, huh? Is that all you got?

All right, you better not say anything or I'll stalk you.

I don't have a hi-fi. I gave you my old record player. I gave it to Cosmo. Cosmo? Who's Cosmo? I'm Cosmo.

He had breasts.

No, not these. These were real hooters.

What if it's a genetic thing? Like father, like son. But your father's not bald. No, no. That skips a generation. The baldness gene comes from your grandfather. Then I suppose the bosom gene comes from your grandmother?

Frank can't be too comfortable with those things clanging around.

You mean, like a bra? No, a bra is for ladies. I'm talking about a support undergarment specifically designed for men.

Does your back hurt? How did you know? Well, it's obvious. You're carrying a lot of extra baggage up there. Up here? Oh, yeah, top floor.

A bra is for ladies. Meet the Bro.

Say you're getting intimate with a woman, you don't want her fumbling and struggling back there. I think we've all experienced that.

Hey, that record player is not yours. No, look, somebody gave it to me. You're a thief. We have proof.

To wit.

I've just been occupying myself with some of your reading material.

When they pull that needle out, I let the expletives fly.

I can't hold the water.

You know, I can't feel anything.

Guy's got a problem.

You know, I once went out with a nude model. Never let me see her naked. Hundreds of people see her naked every week except me.

Needless to say, it was quite vexing.

What is with him? Usual.

What, is it a drawing of Mr. Magoo?

Makes your taste buds come alive. It's like having a circus in your mouth.

It's like the aurora borealis.

Oh, no. Come on, come on, come on. Oh, no, no, no... Okay!

Toxic gas? Oh, you'll be fine. You were there a couple minutes? An hour and a half.

I thought it was so your parents wouldn't walk in... while you were with a girl.

Look, Beauford. It's the mailman. You remember the mailman, don't you? Kramer, don't. Get him!

They said they were sending over an Asian woman. Oh, my God.

He worked on this kid from Guatemala with no nose... turned him into Ricardo Montalban.

No, these don't belong to me. I'm not the Assman.

It's fusilli Jerry. It's made from fusilli pasta. See the microphone?

I'm working on one of you, George. I'm using ravioli.

Why fusilli? Because you're silly.

Assman? Yeah, Assman, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman.

Yeah, Dr. Cosmo Kramer. Proctology.

Mansiere! Bro! Mansiere! Bro!

Million-1 shot, doc. Million-1.

It was a fusilli Jerry. It got stuck in me. I had to go to the proctologist.

Not salt, but...? -What, Pepper Johnson?

Planes flying in from all corners of the world...and they know the minute when they're arriving. Oh, they don't know a darn thing.

You're on, cowboy.

Come on, Mexico City! -Seattle! Seattle!

Oh, no, no, no, no. Not the bag. Help me, man. I'm desperate.

David Berkowitz. Son of Sam. The worst mass murderer the post office ever produced.

I took over his route. And, boy, were there a lot of dogs on that route.

Any of them talking to you? -Just to tell me to keep off the snacks.

It's okay. It's just a hot dog. Don't worry, everything's gonna be okay. It was really good.

What flavors do they have? ... How about pineapple? ... No pineapple. Just cherry, lemon and tutti-frutti.

I got the pineapple! I got the pineapple!

And I saw Beaches last night for the fourth time.

What is it? It's Macaroni Midler! See how you're singing?

There isn't? Absolutely not. I mean, what are you thinking about, Jerry? Marriage? Family? They're prisons. Man-made prisons.

Is it all right if I use the bathroom now?

How was your day today? Did you have a good day or a bad day? What kind of day was it? I don't know. How about you? How was your day?

Well, what if there should be an unfortunate accident?

Well, how do you like that? I got rope.

Well, I tell time by the sun. How close do you get? Well, I can guess within an hour.

Let go of my shirt! This shirt is from Rudy's!

Newman!

Do you realize this is going to be on our permanent records? It can never be erased. It'll follow us wherever we go for the rest of our lives.

Definitely... I would turn you in... I wouldn't even think about it.

Well, what kind of person are you, going around killing people? Well, if you killed this person, who's to say I wouldn't be next?

Hey, don't do the crime if you can't do the time.

Hey, baby, I set the trends. Who do you think started this caffe latte thing? I've been drinking caffe lattes since the fifth grade and haven't looked back.

See, that's littering. Maybe you ought to call the cops and turn me in. Maybe I will.

Look at this guy. He's eating a sandwich. Are you gonna eat those fries?

Because they don't allow outside drinks into the movie. Well, that's stupid. That's the rule. Yeah, well, we'll just see if we can't get around that.

You did me the biggest favour of my life. I spoke to a lawyer. We're suing for millions.

The coffee was too hot. It's supposed to be hot. Not that hot.

It's definitely preposterous.

Well, you wouldn't be on that jury. He would've weeded you out.

Oh, I can be quite litigious.

Jackie says the top was faulty.

Hey, Maestro.

This is Bob Cobb. Maestro.

He conducts the Policemen's Benevolent Association Orchestra.

You should see him do 'Flight of the Bumblebee.' He just...

I'm gonna need a coffee here! Very hot! Boiling!

Jerry, my burn, it's gone, look.

I'll take it!

Nobody put a gun to your head.

Hello, Archie. Veronica. Mr. Weatherbee.

What if I get Paul O'Neill to hit a home run tomorrow just for you? Really? Paul O'Neill would do that? For you, he would.

I know. Get out of this bed one day and walk again. That would be nice, but I really just need the card.

You promised a kid in the hospital I'd hit two home runs? Yeah. What, no good? It's terrible. You don't hit home runs like that. It's hard.

You're saying Babe Ruth was a liar? He did not. No, but he wasn't stupid enough to promise two.

Hey. That's not a home run. Well, maybe not technically, but... You said he could hit two home runs.

George, by the way, tomorrow night, Paul O'Neill has to catch a fly ball in his hat.

Alarm clocks? No, I never use them. Don't trust them. / What do you do? / I have a mental alarm.

It's based on your body clock. Your body has an internal mechanism. It knows what time it is.

It's got these high-volume accusage jets... oscillating and pulsating, soothing your every aching muscle.

Isn't that the same temperature of the coffee that scalded you? / I think it's a little cooler than that.

Singing duo, Captain and....? / Tennille!

Jean-Paul, how was your soak? A good soak? / Oh, man, very good soak. The soak of the year.

It's like Sweden, man.

I fell asleep in the hot tub, and the heat pump broke. Water went down to 58 degrees.

Your core temperature? / Here, feel my hand. Yeah, feel. / This son of a bitch is ice cold.

Oh, look at that cute little bastard. You are mommy's little bastard, aren't you?

Oh, come on, you son of a bitch, I'm just trying to be friendly.

Sixteen thousand BTU's.

Well, I guess I hit the snooze.

It's French, armoire. Armoire.

Ahoy, there.

Well, a hot bowl of mulagatani would hit the spot. - Mulagatani? - Yeah, it's an Indian soup. Simmered to perfection by one of the great soup artisans in the modern era.

He's not a Nazi. He just happens to be a little eccentric. You know, most geniuses are.

Street toughs took my armoire? Yeah, it was very frightening. My life was in danger. You should've seen the way they talked to me.

So did these thieves want any money? - No. - They just wanted the armoire? - Yeah, they were quite taken with it.

You are the only one who understands me. - You suffer for your soup. - Yes, that is right. You demand perfection from yourself, from your soup.

The Soap Nazi gave it to you? Why? Well, I told him the whole story, and he just let me have it.

Now that his recipes are out he's not gonna make any more soup! He's moving out of the country! Moving to Argentina! No more soup, Jerry. No more for any of us!

My foot fell asleep. How did your foot fall asleep? I crossed my legs. I forgot to alternate.

I'm gonna do TV spots for Leapin' Larry's Appliance Store. That was Leapin' Larry himself.

I'm watching the watchers, Jerry.

They're taking the West Side Highway. At this time of day? That's insane. They're heading straight into gridlock. Oh, those fools.

[Kramer's foot falls asleep and he mimics Larry's limp]

You'd think he'd have a sense of humour.

You know...the important thing is that you learned something. No, I didn't.

Attention, company 390. Structure fire...at Leapin' Larry's Appliance Warehouse. Leapin' Larry's? Hey, that's uptown. You gotta take Amsterdam. Stay out of this, Kramer.

Desota's down, but Cosmo's got the caboose.

The machine won't open without the code. George, there's no time. Tell him your code. Shout out your code, man. Code! The code!

This world here, this is George's sanctuary. If Susan comes into contact with this world, his worlds collide.

So I'm filk. You're filk.

Yeah, Cupid's Rifle. Eight-thirty, Sony Lincoln Square.

Yeah, Firestorm's good. I saw it yesterday. My buddy Jerry, he's seen it twice. You wanna talk to him?

Hello, and welcome to Moviefone. Brought to you by The New York Times and Hot 97.

What time does Chow Fun start? I don't know.

Hey, Jerry, look at all the towels they gave me. I really hit the jackpot.

Hello, and welcome to Moviefone. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, press one.

Why don't you just tell me the name of the movie you selected.

Why don't you just tell me where you wanna see the movie.

Hello, and welcome to your worst nightmare.

You know what you are? You're a ribbon bully.

-That stinky old movie house? -Well, you should smell it now.

He was the assistant wardrobe man on Spartacus. He has some fascinating insights into the production. Why would you spend $7 to see a movie that I could watch on TV?

Well, why go to a fine restaurant when you can just stick something in the microwave? Why go to the park and fly a kite when you can just pop a pill?

-I've taken him under my wing. -Oh, then I'm not worried.

Jerry, Lloyd says it's no problem. He's capable of locating the gum.

I think I finally figured out what the flavour is in this gum. It's a little lo meiny.

Lloyd Braun can do anything he puts his mind to. He's fine, Jerry.

That was odd. Am I crazy or does Jerry not wear glasses? You're not crazy. Jerry does wear glasses. He just forgot them, that's all. Not crazy.

-How did you like that gum? -He loved it.

Kramer, you know, there isn't a light in the ladies room. Yeah, it's being repaired. Oh, God. -You all right? -I sat too close to the screen.

Here, put these glasses on. -What's this for? -Lloyd's gonna be here any minute. -So what? -Well, he thinks you wear those.

This is ridiculous. I'm not gonna put these on. Oh, okay. So he'll just think that the two of you didn't sit with him on purpose. Oh, yeah, that's very nice. Very nice.

Yeah, now, see, this is what the holidays are all about. Three buddies sitting around chewing gum, huh?

-So how about that Elaine today? -Oh, baby. What is that all about, huh? She was practically undressing in front of me at the theatre.

Mr. Haarwood, what an unexpected surprise to have you back at the Alex. Well, I'm in a bit of a quandary. I've misplaced my spectacles.

What happened to your car, buddy? The Jon Voight car is no more.

-No, no, this man is not insane. There's nothing wrong with it or you. -Kramer-- -No, no, I'll show you.

Interesting texture. It's chewy.

Look, honey, I know you're trying to get Lloyd to notice you but this is too much. Parading around in a wet T-shirt. I got sprayed with a hose.

Yeah, well, I'm sorry, but the Alex is a family theatre not one of your swing joints.

-Where is your friend, King Henry? -He ran away.

You know, I've been looking all over for it. -Did you find it here? -It was in the lost and found. -Shall I undo it? -Yes, of course. -Oh, thank you. -I'm a little ticklish.

Tickle, tickle. We really gotta get that Elaine a boyfriend. Oh, tell me about it.

Kramer's Price Club haul: '4-pound can of black olives, 48-pack of Eggo waffles, gallon of barbecue sauce, ten pounds of cocktail meatballs'

Kramer offered the hansom cab: 'Drive the horse?' 'Giddyup.'

Kramer's fake tour guide facts: 'This was designed in 1850 by Joe Pepitone... built during the Civil War so the Northern armies could practice fighting on grass.'

Kramer's Beef-a-Reeno jingle: 'I'm so keen-o On Beef-a-Reeno What a delicious cuisine-o Fit for a king and queen-o'

Horse flatulence disrupting the romantic carriage ride

'One never knows how the intestinal workings of the equine will function.'

Calendar says winter, but the gods of spring are out.

I sneak in with Stan the Caddy. We go through the caddies' entrance.

He thinks eventually I'll have a shot at making it big on the Senior Tour.

Oh, mama.

You're just out for sex! You're just out for money!

This is unbelievable... My God, you're rich.

I just don't think I can talk to you anymore. I feel inferior.

I was thinking of donating a large portion of it to charity. - Really? - No.

Well, that's funny. Because as it happens... I don't have call waiting. Seems to me that the phone company would know that.

Hey, McNab! Chunnel's on HBO tonight! Why don't you stop by!

They're low-flow, you know. Low-flow? Well, I don't like the sound of that.

If I don't have a good shower, I am not myself. I feel weak and ineffectual. I'm not Kramer.

I feel like I got bugs crawling up my skin! Now, you gotta help me out. Not on my watch! I won't have you turning my office into a den of iniquity!

I'm sitting there in a tepid pool of my own filth. All kinds of microscopic parasites and organisms having sex all around me.

That's the Commando 450. I don't sell that one. No, that's what we want, is the Commando 450. No, believe me. That's only used in the circus for elephants.

That's the Commando 450. I don't sell that one. That's only used in the circus for elephants. Just give it to us. He couldn't handle that. He's delicate.

Africa? Do you know how hot it gets there? Like 150 degrees. Your skin is gonna be simmering with boils.

If I don't have a good shower, I am not myself. I feel weak and ineffectual. I'm not Kramer.

I just took a bath, Jerry. A bath. No good? It's disgusting. I'm sitting there in a tepid pool of my own filth.

All kinds of microscopic parasites and organisms... having sex all around me.

Jerry, that was super-heated water. Nothing could live in that.

That's the Commando 450. I don't sell that one. No, that's what we want, the Commando 450. No, believe me. That's only used in the circus for elephants.

Oh, yeah.

See, that means 'from Vinci.' Did you know that?

Which means if I live to be 80, I will have lived the equivalent of 105 years.

I got a lot of things in the hopper.

I didn't know you had one. / Oh, I got a hopper. A big hopper.

I'm percolating, Jerry. I'm telling you, I have never felt so fertile. I'm mossy, Jerry. My brain is mossy.

A restaurant that serves only peanut butter and jelly. What do you call it? PB and J's. What do you think?

Why? What time is it? / It's 4:00. / Four in the morning? / Yeah. / What's wrong with you? / I'm bored.

Somehow I dozed off and woke up in a pile of garbage. / Somehow?

Well, this is, uh, risky business, huh? I'm all atwitter.

Hey! Sha! Mama! No! Help!

But I woke up in the Hudson River in a sack!

She doesn't want anybody else to have me!

What, sleeping with the fishes? I guess I woke up.

Attempted murder? Of who? / This guy, Kramer. / Whoa. Cosmo Kramer? / Yeah, that's right. / I don't want nothing to do with it.

Well, Bob Sacamano, he stayed with me once for a year and a half.

Who is he? He's a wig master.

You get this cool T-shirt when you sign up. Oh, I'm down.

Thank God you're home. I'm locked out.

I didn't tell you to park there. Now someone's gotta drive you every time you need your car? Take the bus. I'm not gonna take the bus. That's why I got a car.

Forget it. I'm gonna get George to pick me up. He won't take you. Got it, got it. Hello? Can you take me over to Jiffy Park? Yeah, I'll pick you up right now.

Hey, look, you walk in this city, things are gonna stick to your foot. You open your car and... condom.

Turn in? Yeah, I had a tough day. It's only 9:00. Yeah, well, you know, I don't argue with the body, Jerry. That's an argument you can't win.

Hey, look, you know, you're the one who's locked out. I'm letting you stay here. You're wearing my bathrobe. You should adapt to me.

Well, can I sleep with you?

Why? Do I really have to explain why?

This patio furniture's on sale.

Hey, you just cost me some money. Hey, cool it, lady. Cool it. Cool it, lady. Cool it.

I'm not a pimp.

Hey, Elaine, you gotta feel my pants.

I'll see you later. - All right. You don't know what you're missing.

I need quarters for the dryer. - Why can't you do this on your table? - Because I don't have a table.

I didn't have enough quarters for the dryer... but this is better and more convenient. - Oh, for both of us.

You can't pay with this. - That's all I got. - Then you got no calzones.

What kind of a name is Todd Gack anyway? - I think it's Dutch.

Oh, the steering wheel fell off. I don't know where it is.

Well, I'm not paying the 5 cents for that stupid recycling thing. -You don't pay 5 cents. You get 5 cents back.

Well, what do you think the hobos are doing? -I don't know. They're deranged.

Newman, you magnificent bastard, you did it!

9999 bottles and cans in the truck... At $0.10 a bottle and $0.10 a can We're pulling in $500 a man

We're right on this guy like stink on a monkey.

You'll have to do a lot better than that!

Hey, I got the body of a taut, preteen Swedish boy.

Don't think I won't, Jerry.

Kramer, they're painted on. -Well, they're the slim fit. -Slim fit? -Yeah, they're streamlined. You're walking like Frankenstein.

I can't get my pants off. Mickey's audition is in 20 minutes. I'm supposed to be a businessman. I gotta be in costume.

Joey, there you are. Hey, Joey! It's a monster! I'm the babysitter.

What are you, deaf? I said, sit down. Hey, for the last time, sit down. -Oh, yeah.

No, Susan. No, no, it's Lilly. I think I know my own name. It's Susan. Well, you look like a Lilly.

A periscope in a car, so you can see traffic. How are you gonna drive while you're looking through a periscope? Besides which, it's not a submarine.

Well, 'hey' is 'hello.' Same thing. The ad said the bank will pay $100 if you're not greeted with a 'hello.' You're taking that much too literally.

Now I'm gonna be stuck at the singles' table with all the losers? You can go with Kramer. No, no, no. Weddings are a great place to meet chicks. I have to be unfettered.

'Hey' is the same as 'hello.' What do you think? Yeah, I think it's the same thing. Oh, big surprise.

Poor Lilly. Susan. Susan.

Karate is not here: It's here: And here:

I think you're wrong. We just went to the fireworks the other day. / That was July 4th.

Is that the discount pharmacy?

My legs, they were like noodles. Then I looked inside, and I found my katra.

Sammy Davis had it.

No, no, no, that's from Star Trek III. / The Search for Spock. / Search for Spock?

Jerry will tell you that the Wrath of Khan is the better picture, but for me, I-- / You doofus.

She had a little change of plans. / What's going on? / Hey, Timmy, Clara. That was some kind of workout we had tonight, huh? Now we finish it.

Mama!

What is that? / It's the new cover of the J. Peterman catalogue. It is Elaine's choice. Let's congratulate her.

Why gnaw away like a mental patient when we have this elegant device?

Books. Careful.

I'm in trouble, buddy. I just met a woman...she's Jerry's girlfriend.

Jerry wouldn't know delicate if it bludgeoned him over the head.

I thought we were talking about me.

I saw a show on the mollusk last night. The mollusk travels from Alaska to Chile just for a shot at another mollusk.

Jerry has one of those every time he bombs on stage...I'm sure he'll be sharing his next one with Pam.

Oh, no, that won't last. He's not gaga.

She can bring home the bacon and fry it in the pan.

Although, I might replace her tortoise clip with one of those velvet scrunchies. I love those.

Once told a woman I enjoy spending time with my family.

You know what happens with these? The rollers, they get flat spots on them.

You don't sell the steak, you sell the sizzle.

How much are they paying you? No, no, no. I don't want any pay. I'm doing this just for me.

TCB. You know, taking care of business.

What do you got in there? Crackers.

If I don't get them done by 9, I'm toast.

Some of us have to work in the morning. Thanks.

Which, by the way, was for two.

But I don't even really work here. That's what makes this so difficult.

Because it's the most dangerous part of the sidewalk. Cab hops a curb: whack! You've had your last egg sandwich.

Set of plastic hips, prosthetic legs, a monkey to answer the phone, I'm back in business.

I'd much rather take one in the head, like I did in '79.

I don't really remember.

When someone tries to blow you up, not because of who you are, but because of different reasons altogether.

Did she do the little kicks and the thumbs?

It was one of those problems I hoped would just go away. Well, sometimes you can't help these people till they hit rock bottom. And by then you've lost interest.

He's a joke maker. I'm a joke maker.

He's making a copy of the movie for sale on the street.

No. Bread is his soul. He's trying to buy back a loaf of his soul.

The little kid who needs bootlegs because his parent or guardian won't let him see the excessive violence and strong sexual content you and I take for granted.

You were big. I'm still big. It's the bootlegs that got small.

It's that damn alien autopsy stealing the headlines.

See, what they gotta do is lose a plane or a Greenpeace boat. See, that would get the Triangle going again.

Lucky Krauts.

I traded it to Lomez for some steaks.

All you gotta do is... You gotta jiggle it with this screwdriver.

It's the timeless art of seduction.

So we're gonna make the post office pay for my new stereo now? It's a write-off for them.

You don't even know what a write-off is. Do you? No, I don't. But they do. And they're the ones writing it off.

No, no. You're stout. The camera loves stoutness.

Come on, George. That's it. Come on. Give it to me. Come on. Work it. Work it. Oh, yeah. Hold it. Hold it. Yeah, be a man. Be a man. Lover boy. You are a lover boy.

I'm Dr. Van Nostrund from the clinic. She's a patient of mine. I don't think she's gonna make it. It's very bad. Very, very messy.

From the Hoffermandorf Neo Clinic... in Belgium. The Netherlands?

Give me a break.

Hey, Copernicus.

I'm not Jewish. Well, neither am I. Well, why are you going? I'm not. I'm running it.

Lomez is Jewish? Oh, yeah, yeah. Orthodox, Jerry. Old school.

Do you like tsimmes?

You're right. That's a lot of pupiks.

Look out!

I got brisket going at Newman's, I got kugel working at Mrs. Zanfino's... and this is kreplach.

Eat, eat, you're skin and bones.

The recipe was for four to six people. I had to multiply it for 183 people. I guess I got confused.

It tastes like dirt. Well, I also dropped it on the way over.

I can't peel, I can't chop, I can't grate, I can't mince. I got no sense of flavor, obviously.

I think there's a dead animal in the elevator. My stuffed cabbage.

You know, you could take a break. No breaks. I feel reborn. I'm like a phoenix rising from Arizona.

You're on that list.

That's the funny face that greets you at the beginning of The Super Terrific Happy Hour.

Everybody laughs at Jerry here in America.

Giddyup.

East meets West, Jerry.

Come on in, fat boy!

Why is there no haggling in this country? We like to think we've progressed beyond a knife fight for a drink.

All starches are a scam. Yeah, especially ziti, with that big hole.

How much is this? A dollar nineteen. I'll give you a quarter.

Tell him 40 and no fork. Thirty. That's it. You leave and never come back.

How about we leave and come back in a week? Deal. All right. See? We got something there.

Rogers can't sell chicken around here. We got chicken places on every block. He is The Gambler.

Can't you shut the shades? They are shut.

By the way, your friend Seth, he stopped by. Yeah? What'd he have to say? He was fired.

Getting some cereal. That's tomato juice.

That looked like milk to me.

Jerry, my rods and cones are all screwed up.

Jerry, these are loadbearing walls. They're not gonna come down.

I feel like it's gonna come to life in the middle of the night and kill me. What, Mr. Marbles? He's harmless.

What is that, hickory? Yeah. It's the wood that makes it good. Really? Stop it. What's the matter with you?

He sells Russian hats down at Battery Park, 40 bucks. Forty bucks? Are they sable? No, but the difference is negligible.

Ever since he moved into that apartment he's too much like you. That's a shame.

You got a little problem. Oh, I got a big problem, Jerry!

Why does Radio Shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries?

Just because a person's a smoker doesn't mean he's not a human being. -It doesn't?

These people aren't gonna let themselves be flicked into the ashbin of society. -Why not?

You know, they come in once, it's like they're addicted.

Emphysema, birth defects, cancer, but not this.

Everything I have I owe to this face. It's my allure, my twinkle.

Hey, you know what? It says "no food or drink." You can't take that in. -Just wait here. I'll be right out. -Wait a second. Come on.

Well, it's coughing, Jerry. It expels the diseased germs out of the body into the air.

Yeah, and I rented out half that space to Newman.

There is now.

Plus they botched my vasectomy. -They botched it? -I'm even more potent now.

Andrea Doria? Is that the one they did the song about? Edmund Fitzgerald. I love Edmund Fitzgerald's voice.

I think Gordon Lightfoot was the boat. Yeah, and it was rammed by the Cat Stevens.

They gotta cure a lizard, a chicken, a pig, a frog, all on the same day.

You're gonna take dog medicine? You bet we are. How smart is that?

Been drinking from the toilet? What? No. That's disgusting.

This isn't the way to the park. Where are we going? I recognize this block. You're taking me to the doctor.

That makes me the premiere.

I, Cosmo Kramer... hereby want Jerry Seinfeld to remove my life support... feeding machine, lung blower, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

Jackie Chiles, he put a restraining order on me. I'm not allowed within 200 feet of his office. I couldn't even give him his Christmas present.

Oh, yeah, I put all your Z's on the weights-and-measures page.

I don't wanna be a vegetable, Elaine. I just want out.

Hey, Reilly, the zoo called. You're due back by 6.

Yank it like you're starting a mower.

You have liver, kidneys and gallbladder... but no central nervous system. / Well, I gotta have a central nervous system.

I'd stick. / Yeah, yeah, stick, because I could still go to the coffee shop.

No, no, no, it's not the sex, Jerry.

She's got the jimmy legs.

Well, you're not exactly zeroing in yourself, lady.

Like strawberry pie.

I used to have a problem.

Hey, if I were a gigolo, how much do you think I could charge a night?

Here or in Japan? / What's the difference? / Well, the Japanese are more enlightened. They can see beyond the physical.

Forget Japan. How much would you pay? / Oh, I don't know. A dollar.

I think I'm worth at least 300.

You're demeaning me. / You're a gigolo. / Well, you hired me. I'm the victim here.

When does it start? / Don't know. They tell you the night before.

I am springing ahead right now.

Don't tell me you're still mad at him for calling you a phony.

No, no, no. No bets for me. I got a disease.

It's all water near a bridge.

That's some sweet action. / But I don't want any sweet action.

Well, I couldn't do it. I got a gambling problem. So you put down my money? You don't have a problem.

No, I was kicked out for fighting with one of the players. / Wait. Wait. Wait. Who? / Reggie Miller.

Well, first of all, for some reason, they started the game an hour late.

Well, I ran out onto the court and threw a hot dog at Reggie Miller.

Then the three of us went to a strip club.

See, that's a cool G, daddy-o. Now, you gotta let it ride.

So Allison and I think that the best thing to do is just make a clean break.

I didn't even know you wanted to get serious. / So, what am I in this for?

We're taking George back. / What? / He's gonna make us very happy.

Well, I was drafting behind a semi. I didn't wanna lose him.

The infrastructure, Jerry, it's crumbling.

Well, I'm a papa.

So I sat on that bench for a little while, 20 minutes or an hour...

Mile 114, clean as a whistle.

I just rolled them into the woods. Yeah, that stuff's all natural anyway.

Speed limit, 165 miles per hour. See? They slipped a one in there. Those kids with the spray paint, God love them.

Well, you black out lane lines one and three... and a four-lane highway becomes a two-lane comfort cruise.

Bugger.

Double bugger.

Oh, the humanity!

Man, did you see that fireball?

Yeah, look at those babies, huh? They're prunes.

Nothing, just a mischievous, rambunctious kid.

Drop one. Left.

It was like I was swimming through a flabby-armed spanking machine.

That pool can't hold me, Jerry.

You have a waterbed? Sand. It's like sleeping on a beach.

No, that's probably just a dead body, son. You see, when the mob kills someone, they throw the body in the river.

Technically, Norfolk has more gross tonnage.

Swimming? Well, floating. They weren't moving much, but they were out there.

Hey, you know what I think it is? I think it's that East River. I think it might be polluted.

Ferry traffic gets really bad around 4:30.

You've been in her bed. That's right. But this isn't still going on? No, no, no, she put a stop to that.

Four hours in this chop, and I'm a full inch taller.

He recommended it to all his patients.

He just sunk like a stone, didn't he?

You people find your own river!

I saw it. / How'd he look? / Okay. I wouldn't see it again.

It's a hundred percent cotton. / And some wool.

Well, I have the same shirt. / Yeah, well, I'm wearing it.

Did I mention I'm a serious actor? Really? I enjoy polo. Oh. I like the beach. My aunt has been, uh, ill of late. I own a tuxedo.

I like merlot. I love merlot. I'm crazy about merlot. I live for merlot. We're out of merlot.

Well, why were you holding the door open for? / Not for you. / Who holds a door open for a man?

Oh, everybody's your type. / What the hell does that mean? / You've been married three times.

Which one is Julie? / I don't know.

Oh, small world. / So little people can have 'non-little-people' children? / Oh, yeah, and vice versa. / Yeah, Mother Nature's a mad scientist, Jerry.

Those people... can be so touchy. / 'Those people.' Listen to yourself.

Yeah, and you're an anti-dentite. / I am not an anti-dentite. / You're a rabid anti-dentite.

Oh, it starts with a few jokes and some slurs: 'Hey, denty.' Next thing you know, you're saying they should have their own schools. / They do have their own schools.

Hey, what do you call a doctor who fails out of med school? / What? / A dentist.

Dentists. / Yeah, who needs 'em? / Not to mention the blacks and the Jews.

New Year's Eve, 1999, the millennium.

I got a case of party poppers I'm gonna keep in front of them.

And he's 1/64 Mayan.

Those aren't for New Year's. Those are my everyday balloons.

Sales commission, bye-bye-o.

Or is this mouth-vacuum thing for real?

You just think of a person, they'll be talking to you.

Will people be able to breathe under water in the year 2000?

To the 'Kramennium.'