Jerry Seinfeld

To be out. This is out. Out is one of the single most enjoyable experiences of life.

There are people trying to find us. They don't know where we are. 'Did you re--? I can't find him. Where did he go? He didn't tell me where he was going. He must have gone out.'

Once you're out, you wanna get back. You wanna go to sleep, you wanna get up, wanna go out again tomorrow.

The second button literally makes or breaks the shirt.

It's in no man's land. You look like you live with your mother.

No one has any interest in seeing you on caffeine.

Talking with her was like talking with you... but, you know, obviously much better.

Oh, come on. Be a 'come-with' guy.

Don't interrupt the cycle. The machine is working. It knows what it's doing. Just let it finish.

You can't overdry. Why not? Same reason you can't overwet.

Same thing with death. Like, once you die, you're dead. Right? Let's say you drop dead and I shoot you. You're not gonna die again. You're already dead. You can't 'overdie,' you can't overdry.

Laundry day is the only exciting day in the life of clothes.

The washing machine is the nightclub of clothes. You know, it's dark, there's bubbles happening... they're all kind of dancing around in there. A shirt grabs the underwear. 'Come on, babe. Let's go.'

You come by, open up the lid and they all....

Socks are the most amazing article of clothing. They hate their lives. They're with stinky feet... the boring drawers.

They plan it in the hamper the night before. 'Tomorrow, the dryer, I'm going. You wait here.'

The dryer door swings open, the sock is waiting up against the side wall. He hopes you don't see him, then he goes down the road.

They get buttons sewn on their face, join a puppet show.

You got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it... maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem right now.

Maybe you ought to get the harpoon out of your chest first.

I avoided human contact all night to watch this.

I don't know. Go hunt.

You haven't left the building in 10 years.

That was her. She wants to stay here.

'Have you got your end? Your end's got to come down first. Easy, now. Drop it down. Drop it down. Your end's gotta come down.'

You know what they need? Women need cotton balls.

I've never had one... I never bought one, I never needed one. I've never been in a situation where I thought to myself: 'I could use a cotton ball right now. I could certainly get out of this mess.'

They're like peat moss bags. Have you seen these giant bags? They're huge... and two days later, they're out. They're gone. The bag is empty.

Two or three look like they've been through some horrible experience. Tortured, interrogated, I don't know what happened to them.

I put them on the floor like little tumbleweeds.

I thought cockroaches would see it... figure, 'This is a dead town. Let's move on.'

A date is a job interview that lasts all night.

'Bill, the boss thinks you're the man for the position... strip down and meet the people you'll be working with.'

The whole thing's a murder investigation.

What if it's one of those hugs where the shoulders touch... the hips are eight feet apart? Brutal.

Bread, water... salad dressing?

I swear, I have absolutely no idea what women are thinking. I don't get it, okay? I admit, I'm not getting the signals.

This man is out of ideas.

Wherever women are, we have a man working on the situation right now.

We're honking our horns to serve you better.

Do you know what this is all about? Know why we're here? To be out. This is out. Out is one of the single most enjoyable experiences of life.

There are people trying to find us. They don't know where we are.

Then you stand around. What do you do? You go, 'We gotta be getting back.' Once you're out, you wanna get back.

See, to me, that button's in the worst possible spot. The second button literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it. It's too high. It's in no man's land. You look like you live with your mother.

Senator, I'd like to know what you knew and when you knew it.

No one has any interest in seeing you on caffeine.

Talking with her was like talking with you... but, you know, obviously much better.

Nothing happened, but it was great. Nothing happened, but it was... This is great.

Oh, I get it. This is about the button.

You can't overdry. Why not? Same reason you can't overwet. You see, once something is wet, it's wet. Same thing with death. Like, once you die, you're dead. Right? Let's say you drop dead and I shoot you. You're not gonna die again.

Laundry day is the only exciting day in the life of clothes. It is. No, think about it. The washing machine is the nightclub of clothes. You know, it's dark, there's bubbles happening... they're all kind of dancing around in there. A shirt grabs the underwear. 'Come on, babe. Let's go.'

Socks are the most amazing article of clothing. They hate their lives. They're with stinky feet... the boring drawers. The dryer is their only chance to escape and they all know it.

They do escape from the dryer. They plan it in the hamper... the night before. 'Tomorrow, the dryer, I'm going. You wait here.'

They get buttons sewn on their face, join a puppet show.

So they're showing me on television... the detergents getting out bloodstains. Is this a violent image to anybody? Bloodstains? Come on. You got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it... maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem right now.

Maybe you ought to get the harpoon out of your chest first.

Oh, what are you doing? Kessler, it's a tape. I taped the game. It's 1:00 in the morning. I avoided human contact all night to watch this.

Meat? I don't know. Go hunt.

You almost went to the game. You haven't left the building in 10 years.

If my father moved this, he'd have a cigarette... in his mouth the whole way. 'Have you got your end? Your end's got to come down first. Easy, now. Drop it down. Drop it down. Your end's gotta come down.'

What a world it would be if you could just ask a woman what she's thinking. You know, instead I'm like a detective. I gotta pick up clues. The whole thing's a murder investigation.

Hand sandwich? Right. It's open to interpretation. So much depends on the layering... the quality of the wetness in the eyes...

That was an interesting greeting. Notice that, George? Yes, the surprise blindfold greeting. That wasn't in the manual.

Bread, water... salad dressing?

You're engaged? You know, you really have no idea what it's like until you do it. I'm on this emotional roller coaster. You're engaged? You know, I can't believe it myself sometimes.

I swear, I have absolutely no idea what women are thinking. I don't get it, okay? I admit, I'm not getting the signals.

The car horn honk. Is that the beauty? Have you seen men doing this? What is this? The man is in the car. The woman walks by the front of the car. He honks the... This man is out of ideas.

Wherever women are, we have a man working on the situation right now. Now, he may not be our best man... okay, we have a lot of areas to cover... but someone from our staff is on the scene.

We're here. We are everywhere. We're honking our horns to serve you better.

It seems like such an arbitrary, ridiculous thing... to just pick a finger and you show it to the person.

Someone shows me one of their fingers... and I'm supposed to feel bad. Is that the way it's supposed to work?

I would feel worse if I got the toe than if I got the finger. It's not easy to give the toe. You gotta get the shoe off, the sock off and drive, get it up in the...

Look at that toe, buddy.

I am the master packer.

packing is like leading men into battle. You've got to know the strengths and weaknesses of every soldier. From a collapsible toothbrush to a pair of ordinary black socks.

Two bedrooms? Why do I need two bedrooms? I've got enough trouble maintaining activity in one.

Because I spent my money on the Clapco D-29. It's the most impenetrable lock on the market today. It has only one design flaw: The door... must be closed!

In your way.

Boy, I hate the idea of somebody out there returning my calls.

Do you ever find anything? - No.

Now, unless they give the crook his copy... I don't really think we're gonna crack this case. Do you?

It's not like Batman, where there's three crooks in the city... and everybody pretty much knows who they are.

Did you lose a Sony? It could be The Penguin. I think we can round him up. He's dressed like a penguin. We can find him. He's a penguin.

What do you tip a wood guy?

You don't tip a gardener. - You can tip a gardener. - You don't need a gardener.

Give me... a hundred and fifty dollars.

So you do want it. - I want it if you don't want it. - You just said you wanted it. - No, I'm saying if a situation arose... in which you didn't want it, I might take it.

No, it hit the table. - So what? - Interference. You can't count that. Come on, are you crazy? The coin cannot touch anything. It affects it.

Did he call it? - Well, no, he didn't call it. - Bang. He has to call it. Case closed. Objection overruled.

I don't know what in the hell it is, I look terrific in that mirror. I don't know if it's the tile or the lighting. I feel like Robert Wagner in there.

They're closing in on 100, I'm saying to them, 'How can you eat that stuff?'

How can I ever have you over? You'll sit there moping. - I won't mope. - You're already moping.

We're aware of the proximity to the park.

I'm thinking of maybe buying a new TV... and smashing it over my head.

Notice when a guy's out in his driveway, working with tools, all men in the neighborhood are magnetically drawn to this activity? They come wandering out of the house like zombies.

Men hear a drill, it's like a dog whistle

Honey, Jim's working on something over there.

Now, they don't actually help the guy. No. They just want to hang around the area where work is being done.

What are you using, a Phillips head there?

That's why, at construction sites, they need those fences around it. That's just to keep the men out. They cut holes for us so we can see what's going on. Unless they cut those holes, we are climbing those fences.

What are you using, the steel girders down here? Yeah, that'll hold.

When that floss came flying out of my pocket.

I was buying her a container of orange drink for $5.00.

Our eyes lock. It was a horrible moment.

Without that floss in my pocket, I'd be crawling around her bedroom, looking for my glasses.

Jerry just walked in / Take it / Who is it? / It's for you.

Why put me on the phone with him? I hate just being handed a phone.

He's turned me into a screener.

Should I suffer all my life because I like Ping-Pong?

I was 10! I would've been friends with Stalin if he had a ping-pong table.

I make up things just to see if he's paying attention.

What can I do-- break up? Tell him we're not right for each other? It's a guy.

Approach this as if he was a woman. Break up? Absolutely.

How can you talk to someone like that? What are you saying? You like turkey roll?

This friendship, it's not working. We're just not suited to be friends.

It's not you, it's me.

You're my best friend. Best friend? I've never been to your apartment.

If it was tonight, I would've said tonight.

The four worst words in the English language. That or 'Whose bra is this?' Hmm, that is worse.

So I have a decision-- do I walk or eat? You ate.

Someone says 'Get out of my life,' and that doesn't affect your appetite? Ever had their egg salad?

I know a guy who vacationed on his change. Yeah? Where'd he go-- to an arcade?

I gave your ticket to Horneck. You what?

I've heard the expression laughing all the way to the bank. I've never seen anyone actually do it.

The bank is empty, and you still have to go through the little maze.

You can't have people shoving their arms into a 600-degree oven!

I just never-- I can't imagine anyone, in any walk of life, under any circumstance, wanting to make their own pizza pie.

I, uh, have to tutor my nephew. Yeah, he's got an exam tomorrow. Geometry. You know, trapezoid, rhombus.

Trapezoids? I know. I'm really running out of excuses with this guy.

I need some kind of excuse Rolodex.

I'd rather lie the rest of my life, than go through that again.

He was crying-- tears, accompanied by mucus.

You made a man cry? I never made a man cry. I kicked a guy in the groin once, and he didn't cry.

That sounds like a great idea. It would be fun. Kramer! Yeah! Perfect.

We're doing that, uh, evening of Eastern European national anthems. Right. You know, the Wall being down and everything.

We've got to get to the hospital to see if we qualify as those organ donors.

I've come to the conclusion there are certain friends, they're always your friends, and you have to accept it. You see them, you don't want to. You don't call them, they call you. You don't call back, they call again.

Pretend you're hosting your own little talk show. Pretend there's a little desk and chair there, and you interview them.

The problem is that there's no way to say, 'It's been great having you on the show. We're out of time.'

Opening observational bit about restaurant check timing

More drinks! Appetizers! Quickly, quickly. It will be the greatest meal of our lives.

Then after the meal, you know, you got the pants open... you got the napkins destroyed... cigarette butt in the mashed potatoes.

What is this? How could this be? Does this look right to you? We're not hungry now. Why are we buying all this food?

Superman probably has a very good sense of humour... I never heard him say anything funny.

Were you crying? I mean, it's just a grape.

You're gonna be with her 72 hours, that's a dating decathlon.

Oh, the dolphin thing? They're dying in the nets.

Hey, when I'm driving, I let people in ahead of me all the time. I'm always waving everybody in. 'Go ahead. Go ahead.'

I gave the guy the half-turn. Then I gave him the full turn with the eye roll. Beyond that, I'm risking a punch in the mouth.

Extra toothbrushes, increased phone call frequency... walking around naked.

Marlin in Vermont? Big fighting marlin.

I know, but this is a different paper. I thought maybe they have different... sources.

There's one thing I don't understand. Why does it please you?

You're gone, all right.

'How you feeling, Mr. Wilkenson? By the way, what's happening with Centrax?'

It's a hand puppet. What am I gonna do with this?

What do you think, this is a little scam I have? I take this tiny shirt all over the city... conning dry cleaners out of money?

They're cleaning our clothes... but they're not getting anything wet. It's all dry. There's no such thing as dry-cleaning.

I don't think that's what they're doing, have 80 guys going: 'Come on. Hurry up. There's a lot of shirts today.'

My uncle Pete showers four times a day... and he can't count to 10, so don't give me hygiene.

What do you think a hit man would charge to rub out a couple of cats? Well, it couldn't be too expensive. Thirteen, fourteen bucks a cat?

What do you think, Jerry, you wanna make 28 bucks? I'm no cat killer.

Yeah, he's nuts. You wanna bump off a couple of cats.

Stranger leering through a pair of binoculars 10 floors up.

Perhaps they had some sort of a falling out.

Oh, God, get me out of here. What a mistake. What made me think this would work? And I've still got another day. I've got nothing left to say.

That's a nice watch. Yeah. Do you wind it? No. It's got a little battery. Well, that's good.

Maybe I can get an extension cord and hang myself.

Six points? It's up six points... I just got fluctuated out of $4000.

I gotta say, that's pretty bad, losing out to a cat. Almost as bad as losing out to a perfume.

Too bad you can't get your buddy Superman... to fly around the Earth at super speed... and reverse time.

People always say, 'You should have your money working for you.' I've decided I'll do the work... I'm gonna let the money relax. Because you send your money out there... working for you, a lot of times it gets fired. 'Yeah, I remember your money. Showing up late, taking time off. We had to let him go.'

I'm always in traffic with the lane expert. Do you know this type of person? Constantly re-evaluating their lane choice. Never quite sure: 'Is this the best lane for me, for my life?'

Yeah, come on over here, pal. We're zooming over here. This is the secret lane, nobody knows about it.

But we know that in the future, traffic will get even worse than that. What will happen? Will it start moving backwards?

'Boy, this is some really bad traffic now. This is really bad. I'm gonna try and get off, and get back on going the other way.'

Do it like a Band-Aid. One motion, right off!

And then the verbal hellos stopped... and we just went into these little sort of nods of recognition.

Now there's this intense animosity whenever we pass. I mean, it's like we really hate each other. It's based on nothing.

Would you do that? If I was a different person.

I'm not pulling a shopping cart. Am I supposed to wear a kerchief... put stockings on rolled below my knee?

Fruit's a gamble. I know that going in.

I like that Marlene. What's her number? Yeah, no, I... I don't think so.

What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?

Hey, you know, Jerry... just because George and I don't see each other... doesn't mean we shouldn't stay friends. No. Good enough. I'm really glad we got that settled.

The great thing, when you read Moby Dick the second time... Ahab and the whale become good friends.

And it's those meaningless, purposeless, blather calls. She never asks if I'm busy or anything. I just pick up the phone and she's in the middle of a sentence.

You know, sometimes she'll go, 'Hello, Jerry?' And I'll go, 'Oh, hi, Marlene.' And then it's, 'Jerry... I don't know sometimes.' 'Know sometimes.'

You can't. It's impossible. There's no break in the conversation where you can go: 'All right, then.' You know, it just goes on and on without a break in the wall.

Waiting room. I hate when they make you wait in the room. Because it says waiting room. There's no chance of not waiting... because they call it the waiting room. They're gonna use it.

You're thinking about them. Things like: 'I wonder what he's got.' And, 'Soon as she goes, I'm getting her magazine.'

You stand up and kind of look around at the other people. 'Well, I guess I've been chosen. I'll see you all later.'

You think you're gonna see the doctor, but you're not, are you? No. You're going into the next waiting room. The littler waiting room.

You ever see these operating theatres that they have... with, like, stadium seating? You don't want them doing anything... that makes other doctors go, 'I have to see this.'

'Are you kidding? Are they gonna really do that to him? Are there seats? Can we get in?' Do they scalp tickets to these things? 'I got two for the Winslow tumour. I got two.'

We just kissed a little. People kiss. Yeah.

She's got this psychosexual hold over me. I just want her. I can't breathe. It's like a drug.

Why would George want to deprive you of pleasure? Is it just me? It's partially you, yeah.

Apartment elevators are always slower than offices... because you don't have to be home on time. Unless you're married to a dictator. Because they'd be very demanding people.

Well, you know what they say, lucky in love, unlucky with fruit.

You are the queen of confrontation. You're my new hero. You've inspired me. I'm gonna call George about something right now.

Am I a bad person? Did I do something terrible? You're a fine person. You're a humanitarian. She's very sexy. That voice. She's driving me crazy. I know. I know.

I saw your act. My act? What does that have to do with anything? Well, to be honest... it just didn't make it for me. It's just so much fluff.

You're a cashier.

Women need to like the job of the guy they're with. If they don't like the job, they don't like the guy. Men know this. Which is why we make up the phoney, bogus names for the jobs we have. 'Right now, I'm the regional management supervisor. I'm in development, research, consulting.'

Men, on the other hand, if they are physically attracted to a woman... are not that concerned with her job, are we? Men don't really care. Men just go, 'Really, slaughterhouse? That where you work? Interesting. You got a big cleaver, just lopping their heads off? Sounds great. Listen, why don't you shower up... and we'll get some burgers and catch a movie.'

They didn't wanna move to Florida, but they're in their 60s... ...and that's the law.

They got the leisure police. They pull up in front of the old people's house with the golf cart. 'Let's go, pop. White belt, white pants, white shoes, get in the back. Drop the snow shovel, right there. Drop it!'

You ever sit there, and the conversation's so boring, it's so dull? And you start to fantasize. You know, you think: 'What if I just got up and jumped out that window?'

Just crash right through the glass, you know. Come back. There's broken glass. Everybody's upset. 'No, I'm all right. I was just a little bored there. And, no, I'm fine. I came back. I wanna hear more about that Hummel collection, Aunt Rose. Let's pick it up right there.'

We won. I made an incredible play in the field. It was a tag-up at third base. I threw the guy out, from left field, on a fly. We'll be in the championship game Wednesday because of me. It was the single greatest moment in my life.

This is your greatest moment, a game? Well, no. Sharon Besser, of course.

Well, the man's an individualist. He worked for Harry Flemming. - He knows what he's doing.

I don't even know them. What is she, your second cousin? I mean, I met them three times in my life. I don't know her either. She made me fly from Florida for this, and then she criticizes my jacket.

How come he gets to leave? If I wind up sitting next to Uncle Leo, I am leaving. He's always grabbing my arm when he talks to me. I guess because so many people have left in the middle of his conversation.

And it's always about Jeffrey, right? Yeah. He talks about him like he split the atom. The kid works for the Parks Department.

I'm completely changing the configuration of the apartment. You're not gonna believe it when you see it. Whole new lifestyle. What are you doing? Levels.

You drew up plans for this? No. No, it's all in my head.

Well, you don't think I can, huh? No, it's not that I don't think you can. I know that you can't, and I'm positive that you won't.

So now the Parks commissioner is recommending Jeffrey for a citation. Right, for the reducing of the pond scum? No, no, no. For the walking tours.

Oh, yeah, where the people eat the plant life, the edible-foliage tour.

But you wanna know something? Whenever he has a problem with a high-powered big shot... ...from the Parks Department... ...you know who he calls? Mickey Mantle?

Jerry. Jerry. Did you taste these peas? These peas are great. These peas are bursting with country-fresh flavour. Phenomenal peas.

You're going? I don't really eat dessert. I'm dieting. Yeah, I can't eat dessert either. The sugar makes my ankles swell up, and I can't dance.

I hear the fellow owns a couple racehorses. You know, trotters, like at Yonkers. Horses. They're like big riding dogs.

What about ponies, huh? What kind of abnormal animal is that? And those kids who had their own ponies. Oh, I know. I hated those kids. In fact, I hate anyone that ever had a pony when they were growing up.

Well, I didn't really mean a pony per se.

When I was a little girl in Poland... ...we all had ponies. My sister had pony. My cousin had pony. So, what's wrong with that? Nothing, nothing at all. I was just merely expressing...

He was a beautiful pony, and I loved him. Well, I'm sure you did. Who wouldn't love a pony? Who wouldn't love a person that had a pony? You. You said so.

No, see, we didn't have ponies. I'm sure at that time in Poland, they were common. They were... ...probably like compact cars.

How was I to know she had a pony? Who figures an immigrant is gonna have a pony? Do you know what the odds are on that?

I mean, in all the pictures I saw of immigrants on boats... ...coming into New York Harbour... ...I never saw one of them sitting on a pony.

But why would anyone come here if they had a pony? Who leaves a country packed with ponies to go to a non-pony country? It doesn't make sense. Am I wrong?

So how are your levels coming along? Well, I decided I'm not gonna do it. Really? What a shock.

Ma. Ma, up here. Don't get in the cab. Manya died. Manya died!

You don't think...? What, the pony remark? Oh, don't be ridiculous. She was an old woman. You don't think I killed her?

You know what that flight will cost us? It was an innocent comment. I didn't know she had a pony. Maybe we could get an Army transport flight. They got a base in Sarasota, I think.

I mean, the whole thing was taken out of context. It was a joke.

The funeral's Wednesday. Wednesday? What...? What Wednesday? Two o'clock, Wednesday. What? I got a softball game on Wednesday. It's the championship.

I mean, who has a funeral on a Wednesday? That's what I wanna know. I mean... ...this is the championship. I'm hitting everything.

We don't understand death. And the proof of this is that we give dead people a pillow.

And, I mean, hey, you know. I think if you can't stretch out and get some solid rest at that point... ...I don't see how bedding accessories really make the difference.

I mean, they got the guy in a suit, with a pillow. Now, is he going to a meeting, or is he catching 40 winks? I mean, let's make up our mind where we think they're going.

How long does a funeral take? Depends on how nice the person was... ...but you gotta figure even Oswald took 45 minutes.

You know, if the situation were reversed... ...and Manya had some mahjong championship or something... ...I wouldn't expect her to go to my funeral. I would understand.

You know, funerals always make me think about my own mortality... ...and how I'm actually gonna die someday. Me, dead. Imagine that.

They always make me take stock of my life... ...how I've pretty much wasted all of it and how I plan to continue wasting it.

I know, then you say to yourself: 'From this moment on, I'm not gonna waste any more of it.' But then you go, 'How? I mean, what can I do that's not wasting it?' Well, is this a waste of time? What should we be doing? Can't you have coffee with people?

Me? What about you? You brought up the pony. Oh, yeah, but I didn't say I hated anyone who had one.

Maybe she's there in spirit. How about that? If you're a spirit, and you can travel to other dimensions and galaxies... ...and find out the mysteries of the universe... ...you think she'll be at Drexler's Funeral Home on Ocean Parkway?

George, I met this woman. She is not travelling to any other dimensions.

Three hundred a month? Oh, my God.

Well, game's starting just about now.

Your cousin Jeffrey is switching parks. They're transferring him to Riverside... ...so he'll completely revamp that operation, you understand? Yeah. He'll do in Riverside now what he did in Central Park. More money.

Although, they say it's a dry heat. Dry, wet. What's happening with your apartment?

I have an idea. Leave the winter clothing in the apartment... ...and I'll watch it for you. And I'll live there, and I'll make sure that nothing happens to it.

Oh, the apartment. Jeffrey's taking the apartment. Oh, Jeffrey. You know Jeffrey.

It's raining. It's raining? It's raining. The game will be postponed. We'll play tomorrow.

Who gets picked off in softball? It's unheard-of. Never happened to me before. I remember saying to myself, 'Why is Jerry so far off the base?'

I'll have to live with this shame for the rest of my life. Look. Then in the fifth inning, why did you take off on the pop fly? I thought there were two outs.

It was the single worst moment of my life. What about Sharon Besser? Oh, well, of course, 1973.

Wait, you think Manya showed up during the game and put a hex on me? I never saw anyone play like that. But I went to the funeral. Yeah, but that doesn't make up for killing her.

Maybe Manya missed the funeral... ...because she was off visiting another galaxy that day. Don't you think she would've heard I was there? Not necessarily.

Who figures an immigrant is gonna have a pony? What is the pony? What is the point of the pony? Why do we have these animals, these ponies? What do we do with them, besides the pony ride?

Well, why ponies? What are we doing with them? I mean, police don't use them for, you know, crowd control. 'Hey, you wanna get back behind the barricades? Hey. Hey, little boy. Yeah, I'm talking to you. Just... Behind the barricades.'

So somebody, I assume, genetically engineered these ponies. Think they could make them any size? Like the size of a quarter if they want? That would be fun for Monopoly, wouldn't it? Have a little pony. And you put him on the... 'Baltic, that's two down. Go ahead. Hold it. There. Baltic, that's... Yeah, Fine. Right there, hold it right there.'

I hate clothes, okay? I hate buying them. I hate picking them out of my closet. I can't stand every day trying to come up with little outfits for myself.

I think eventually... fashion won't even exist. We'll all be wearing the same thing. Because any time I see a movie or a TV show... where there's people from the future... they're all wearing the same thing.

One-piece silver jumpsuit, V-stripe and boots. That's it.

We should come up with an outfit for Earth. An Earth outfit. We should vote on it. Candidates propose different outfits. No speeches.

They walk out, twirl, walk off. We just sit in the audience and go, 'That was nice. I could wear that.'

The back? They never find anything in the back. If they had anything good, they'd put it in the front. Why don't they open an entire store for the back? Call it 'Just Back.'

All back. No front. You walk in the front, you're immediately in the back.

I always felt he deserved a wider audience. I'm not so sure he wants one.

So that's why we're not together anymore.

How much is it? - Oh, my God.

Bad? Very bad? - You have no idea. - I have some idea. - No idea. - I've got a ballpark. - There's no park... and the team has relocated.

I hate these moments. I'm hearing the dual voices now, you know? 'What about the money?' 'What's money?'

That's definitely you. - Really? - That's more you... than you've ever been.

I paid what it costs. - How much? - What's the difference? - You're not gonna tell me? - I'd rather not say out loud. It's embarrassing.

You know, Schumann went mad from that. - Artie Schumann from Camp Hatchapee? - No, you idiot. - What are you, Bud Abbott? What are you calling me an idiot for?

He had to be institutionalised. - Really? - Well, what if it doesn't stop? - Oh, that I really needed to hear. That helps a lot.

Like, tonight I might've been a little nervous, but inside this jacket... I am composed, grounded, secure that I can meet any social challenge.

Can I say one thing to you? And I say this with an unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality. - Absolutely. - It's fabulous.

I'd like to. I've never done a solid before.

Two minutes. Believe me, I know his two minutes. By his conception of time, his life will last over 2000 years.

Like it? Don't you find that you get more without it?

Who said? - The weather guy, Dr. Waldo.

I don't need anybody to tell me it's gonna rain. Oh, no. Of course not. All I have to do is stick my head out the window.

Which one's supposed to be the funny guy? - Oh, he's the comedian. - I'm just a regular person.

I thought it was just brilliant. - Drivel. - Yeah, maybe some parts. - What parts? - The... drivel parts.

All fathers are intimidating. They're intimidating because they are fathers. Once a man has children, for the rest of his life his attitude is: 'The hell with the world, I can make my own people.'

I'll eat whatever I want. I'll wear whatever I want... and I'll create whoever I want.

What kind of an operation? - Bone marrow.

The lift. Like the lure of the Siren's song. Never what it seems to be. Yet who among us can resist?

Snow, that can't be good for suede, can it? - I wouldn't think so. - What should I do?

What the hell do you call this? - I turned my jacket inside out. - Well, you look like a damn fool.

Thanks again for coming last night. Dad said he had a great time. - Is he still in town? - He's driving back to Maryland tonight.

Dad thinks George is gay. - Oh, because of all the singing? - No. He pretty much thinks everyone is gay.

I had a leather jacket that got ruined. Now, why does moisture ruin leather? I don't get this. Aren't cows outside most of the time?

When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse: 'Let us in. We're all wearing leather! Open the door. We're gonna ruin the whole outfit here.'

'Is it suede?' 'I am suede. The whole thing is suede. I can't have this cleaned. It's all I got.'

The bad thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. You never see anybody on TV sliding off the sofa with crumbs on their face.

'We have soda! We have soda! We have soda!' Jumping, laughing, flying through the air. It's a can of soda.

Maybe I'm putting too much ice in mine.

And to cover my nervousness, I started eating an apple. I think if they hear you chewing on the other end of the phone, makes you sound casual. Yeah, like a farm boy.

Let me hear you try a Scottish accent. That's Irish. Irish, Scottish. What's the difference, lassie?

I'd invite you up, but the place is being painted. Unless you want to go to your place. Okay, but there's no cake or anything, if that's what you're looking for.

I think if one's going to kill oneself, the least you could do is leave a note. It's common courtesy. That's just the way I was brought up. Values are important.

Tan pants. Why do I buy tan pants, Donna? I don't feel comfortable in them.

I can't begin to tell you how much I hate that commercial.

You like that commercial? I like that commercial. You like that commercial?

I could sit on a porch and wrestle around and maybe even be part of a real bull session.

They're not talking about pants. They're talking about nothing. That's the point.

All those quick shots of the pants. Just pants, pants, pants, pants. What is that supposed to be?

The guy will be like, 'I don't think her eyebrows are even. Could I look at uneven eyebrows for the rest of my life?'

Coffee's not coffee. Coffee is sex. Maybe coffee was coffee. Coffee's coffee in the morning, not at 12:00 at night.

Don't do the apples. It's enough already with the apples.

And he blurted out business information he wasn't supposed to. It would have cost him $15,000, so he waited outside the guy's house. When the guy came home, he went with him and switched the tape.

I have never seen one episode of I Love Lucy in my life ever.

I'm lactose intolerant. Really? I have no patience for lactose and I won't stand for it.

You are such a wuss. A wuss? Did you call me a wuss?

The signal is... I'll call out 'Tippy-toe!' Tippy-toe? I don't think so. You don't like tippy-toe? No tippy-toe.

I'll sing. What song? 'How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?' What is that? It's a lovely song.

'Lemon Tree.' Peter, Paul and Mary? No. Trini Lopez.

It went away. That's weird. No, no, that can happen. I've read about that in medical journals.

I love my phone machine. I wish I was a phone machine. If I saw somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to, I could go: 'Excuse me. I'm not in right now. If you could just leave a message, I could walk away.'

Because you can't slam down a cordless phone. You get mad at somebody on a real phone: 'You can't talk to me like that.' Bang. Cordless phone. 'You can't talk to me like that.'

Well, I painted my apartment again. I've been living there for years. Every time I paint it, it gets me down. I look around and I think, 'Well, it's a little bit smaller now.'

I don't know where the wall outlets are. I just look for a lump with two slots in it. Looks like a pig is trying to push his way through from the other side.

My idea of the perfect living room would be the bridge on the starship Enterprise. You know what I mean? Big chair, nice screen, remote control.

That's why Star Trek really was the ultimate male fantasy. Just hurtling through space in your living room watching TV.

The aliens were always dropping in because Kirk was the only one that had the big screen. They'd come over Friday nights. Klingon boxing. Got to be there.

What did you do? Mousse. I moussed up.

Harold and Manny.

Sitting is good if you faint, but standing is good for jumping up and down. I can't decide.

Oh, Elaine, you know the way I am... rarely ever thinking of myself. My only concern is the welfare and happiness of those close to me.

Sure, it hurts sometimes to give and give and give...

I got you an apartment in this building. - No! - Yes. - No! You didn't! - Yes. I did.

Four hundred a month? Only 400 a month? Four hundred a month.

We can exchange keys so we can come in and out. Oh, this is gonna be great. All the time. All the time.

The problem with talking is nobody stops you from saying the wrong thing. I think life would be a lot better if it was like you're always making a movie.

You're out somewhere with people. 'Gee, you look pregnant. Are you?' Cut, cut, cut! That's not gonna work at all.

I could tell you but you won't believe it. It's not believable. How could I have done that?

You think you're an idiot, but with all due respect, I'm a much bigger idiot than you are. Don't insult me, my friend. Remember who you're talking to. No one's a bigger idiot than me.

But I need the home-bed advantage. Of course. We all do.

You know that little guy in your head who watches everything you say? He went for a cup of coffee. And, in that second, ruined my life.

Look at this woman feeding her baby greasy, disgusting, coffee-shop corned beef hash. Isn't that child abuse?

Yeah, the guy with the flat head. He's a cube.

I told you I don't like these sponges. They're too small. I want a big sponge! You can't pick up anything. There's no absorption.

I used to think that the universe is a random, chaotic sequence of meaningless events. But I see now that there is reason and purpose to all things.

Religion, my friend. That's what happened to me.

Have you ever gotten up in the morning and felt that it's great to be alive? That every breath is a gift of sweet life from above.

You're not normal. You're a great guy. I love you, but you're a pod.

I, on the other hand, am a human being. I sometimes feel awkward, uncomfortable, even inhibited in certain situations with the other human beings.

What's to see? A woman from Norway, a guy from Kenya and 20,000 losers.

I mean, the bull charges, you move the cape... what's so hard?

I just found a guy who's willing to pay $10,000 for the apartment. Ten thousand? Cash! Who would pay that much? He's in the music business.

If I was up there, you'd never hear a peep out of me. I'm as quiet as a mouse.

What am I, Fred Mertz now? What's happening to me? Can I do this? Am I a shusher? I used to be a shushee.

They just hear... 'Was that a shush? I think somebody shushed me?' Some people you can't shush. There's always a certain group. They're talking. Everyone around them is shushing them. They won't shush. They're the unshushables.

They tease you with, 'You may have already won.' I'd like once for a sweepstakes company to have some guts. Just tell people the truth one time. Send out envelopes: 'You have definitely lost.' You turn it over, giant printing: 'Not even close.' You open it, there's a letter of explanation: 'Even we cannot believe how badly you've done in this contest.'

Don't get up. - I'd like to help, but my neck...

Students can't clean. It's anathema. They don't like it. How long you been waiting to squeeze that into a conversation?

To this day, they bring it up. It was the single most damaging experience of my life. Aside from seeing my father naked.

Why don't you just settle it like mature adults? - Potato man. - No, no. No potato man. Inka-dink.

And you are... - Wait a minute. No. ...it - What? What are you doing? No, no. Oh, okay. All right. He's out, I get it. - No, no, no. I'm it. I win. - No. He's it. He wins. It is good.

I can't believe I won at inka-dink.

You know, you owe me one. - What? - The inka-dink. You were it. - It's bad? - It's very bad.

I don't feel comfortable with a maid either. There's that guilt when someone's cleaning your house. You're sitting on the sofa, they go by with the vacuum. 'I'm really sorry about this. I don't know why I left that stuff over there.'

That's why I could never be a maid. I would have that attitude. I'd find them, wherever they are. 'I suppose you couldn't do this. No, don't get up. Let me clean up your filth. No, you couldn't dust. Oh, this is too tough, isn't it?'

He really did an amazing job. Look. He uncoagulated the top of the dishwashing liquid.

He cleaned out the bottom of the little egg cups.

He cleaned in the little one-inch area...between the refrigerator and the counter. How'd he get in there? He must be like Rubber Man. There's no Rubber Man. Why did I think there was a Rubber Man? There's Elastic Man, Plastic Man...

Elaine, he Windexed the little peephole.

Shouldn't you be out on a ledge somewhere?

Dinner's for suckers.

And of all things to take. I left my watch, tape recorder, stereo. He's crazy.

Are you saying I stole your statue? - What a mind. - Well, I... - I can't believe what I'm hearing. - I can't believe what I'm hearing.

She's from Finland, for crying out loud. Finland! Do you understand? I know Finland. They're neutral.

But unfortunately, the guy retired and moved to Singapore. Singapore? Do you hear this? If you really want, maybe I can contact the guy in Singapore. Have him make a Photostat of the receipt...and send it over.

How did you get the goop out of the top of the dishwashing liquid? It was like a brand-new nozzle.

Big coincidence. Not a big coincidence. A coincidence. No, that's a big coincidence. That's what a coincidence is. There are no small coincidences and big coincidences. No. There are degrees of coincidences. No. There are only coincidences. Ask anyone.

How is it my fault? It was stolen. I didn't even touch it this time.

Yeah, he'll have my parents.

People are going to steal from you. You can't stop them. But everybody has their own little personal security things. Things that they think will foil the crooks, you know, in your mind. You go to the beach, go in the water. Put your wallet in the sneaker. Who's gonna know? What criminal mind could penetrate this fortress of security?

'I tied a bow. They can't get through that.' 'I put the wallet down by the toe of the sneaker. They never look there. They check the heel, they move on.'

What is he worried about? I mean, what is this man's reputation... that he has to worry about this kind of exposure... damaging his good name?

I mean, what is he, up for a big job promotion... down at the office or something? Afraid the boss is gonna catch this on TV and go: 'Isn't that Johnson from sales?'

He's up in that clock tower, picking people off one by one. I don't know if that's the kind of man... we want heading up that new branch office. He should be in bill collection. I think he's got aptitude.

Well, what did you say? - I said, 'Jump.'

If you're gonna kill yourself, do it already and stop bothering me.

At least I'd respect the guy for accomplishing something.

What am I supposed to tell him? How much there is for him to live for? Why should I lie to him?

My guys don't know your guys.

They'll start a riot.

Have you ever met my guys? - No, I can't say as I have. - Well...

I would prefer it if the machines are not even touching each other... because something could, you know, jump across.

You and your toilets.

Someone said once I'd be a good talk show host. - Really? - Yeah, a couple of people.

You can't walk into a building and say, 'I want to be a talk show host.'

Pretend like it never happened.

People don't take you seriously.

Morning, Bill. Morning, Bob. How you doing? Fine. Ten minutes later, you see them in the hall, 'How you doing?' Every time you pass, you've gotta come up with another greeting.

You start coming up with nicknames for them. 'Jimbo.'

What are you, Peter Lorre?

You got a Mickey source?

The best revenge is living well. - There's no chance of that.

He jumped. - Newman jumped.

I said, 'Wave to me when you pass my window.'

He's lying out there faking. See, he's trying to get back at me.

You are like the James Bond of laundry.

The one that looks like a blowfish.

I told you not to mix in our guys.

People like the idea of revenge. You ever hear the expression: 'The best revenge is living well'?

You think you could go up to him: 'Charlie, forget the .357. You need a custom-made suit and a convertible... new carpeting, French doors, a divan. That'll show those punks.'

As an adult, if I want a cookie, I have a cookie, okay?

I have three cookies or four cookies... or 11 cookies if I want.

Many times, I will intentionally ruin my entire appetite. Just ruin it.

And then I call my mother up right after to tell her that I did it.

Hello, Mom? Yeah, I just ruined my entire appetite. Cookies.

As an adult, we understand even if you ruin an appetite... there's another appetite coming right behind it.

You're bringing in an outside cucumber?

What have I done? What...? I can't read this. 'Fullman hurtel vom'?

Fax me some halibut.

Is that funny? Is that a joke?

That's like asking, 'Where's Waldo?'

You saw that show on PBS last night, Coronary Country.

I saw it in the TV Guide, I called him... told him make sure and not watch it.

He saw that show on anorexia last year... ate like an animal for two weeks.

Shut up!

'Salami salami bologna'?

Well... What, kind of like this?

Well, I wouldn't go that far.

Yeah, if you've been exposed to gamma rays.

And we were forbidden to socialize with tonsil people.

Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body. We just want the body.

No, Johnny Yuma was a rebel. Ackman is a nut.

And you're not a doctor, but you play one in real life.

There's some hot air blowing in here.

I love cramp bark.

Cleaver? I once had cleaver as a kid. I was able to lift a car.

Couch grass and cramp bark? I think that's what killed Curly.

All this over a Chuckle.

It's a jelly candy. Comes in five flavours.

A kiss? With the tongue? The glossa with the bumps and the papillae?

That's it! That's it! 'Flaming globes of Zigmond'! That's my note. That's what I thought was so funny.

I had a heart attack this big... but I gave myself one of these: Clear! And it's gone.

Women don't try on the clothes, they get behind the clothes

If someday I'm one-legged at a 45-degree angle... what am I gonna wear?

What about this suit? I'll get it. Looks fine. Put some shoes by the bottom of the pants. I want to make sure. Perfect. Now, what if I'm walking? Move the shoes, move the shoes.

I know. I know. I'm having my root canal the same week.

I have a vague recollection of doing something with someone... but it was a long, long time ago. I think my last time was in Rochester. My hair was a lot shorter.

What was that look? - What look? The look you just gave me. - I gave a look? - Yes. - What kind of a look? - I know that look.

We know the terrain. - No big surprises.

It's almost stupid if we didn't. - It's moronic. - Absurd.

The idea is to combine the this... and the that. But this cannot be disturbed. We just want to take this... and add that.

Beautiful. Let's make it a rule. All right, sir.

Sleep is separate from that, and I don't see why sleep got all tied up and connected with that.

Oh, yeah.

She must have taken some kind of seminar or something.

I got that root canal tomorrow morning. It'll be easy if I go home.

Whatever I give her, she'll be bringing in experts from all over the country... to interpret the meaning behind it.

I think I heard her say something about a bench.

What, like at a bus stop? - Like a park bench? - Who puts a bench in the house?

I mean, she opens it up, she hears that 'Lara's Theme,' I'm dead.

Too gubernatorial.

And it's getting so tough, because the relationships are so complicated... greeting-card companies now put out cards that are blank... on the inside. Nothing. No message.

For 75 cents, I don't want to get involved.

You got me cash? This way, I figure you could go out and get yourself whatever you want. No good? Who are you, my uncle?

To a wonderful girl, a great pal... and more.

I am not your pal. What's wrong with pal? Why is everybody so down on pal?

182 bucks. Cash? You've gotta be kidding. What kind of gift is that? That's like something her uncle would give her.

You know, we never had one fight before this deal. - I know. - Never. - Ever. - We got along beautifully. - Like clams.

No this? No that. No this or that.

This, that and the other. Oh, sure. Of course. You're entitled. Who doesn't want this, that and the other? You.

I never got into these terrible fights and misunderstandings... when I was changing before gym class.

Ninety-one dollars.

Imagine bumping into her on the street in five years with a husband. And she tells me that he's a sculptor. They live in Vermont.

I think that for some reason... when a man is driving down that freeway of life... the woman he's involved with is like an exit. But he doesn't want to get out. He wants to keep driving.

But the man focuses on the sign underneath that says, 'Next exit, 27 miles.' And he thinks, 'I can make it.'

They tease you with, 'You may have already won.' I'd like once for a sweepstakes company to have some guts. Just tell people the truth one time. Send out envelopes: 'You have definitely lost.' You turn it over, giant printing: 'Not even close.' You open it, there's a letter of explanation: 'Even we cannot believe how badly you've done in this contest.'

Students can't clean. It's anathema. They don't like it. How long you been waiting to squeeze that into a conversation?

It was the single most damaging experience of my life. Aside from seeing my father naked.

Why don't you just settle it like mature adults? -Potato man. -No, no. No potato man. Inka-dink.

Wait a minute. No. -...it -What? What are you doing? No, no. Oh, okay. All right. He's out, I get it. -No, no, no. I'm it. I win. -No. He's it. He wins. It is good.

The inka-dink. You were it. -It's bad? -It's very bad.

Your palace shall sparkle like the stars in heaven upon your safe arrival, sire. The toilet brush is under the sink.

I don't feel comfortable with a maid either. There's that guilt when someone's cleaning your house. You're sitting on the sofa, they go by with the vacuum. 'I'm really sorry about this. I don't know why I left that stuff over there.'

That's why I could never be a maid. I would have that attitude. I'd find them, wherever they are. 'I suppose you couldn't do this. No, don't get up. Let me clean up your filth. No, you couldn't dust. Oh, this is too tough, isn't it?'

He uncoagulated the top of the dishwashing liquid.

He must be like Rubber Man. There's no Rubber Man. Why did I think there was a Rubber Man? There's Elastic Man, Plastic Man....

Elaine, he Windexed the little peephole.

Shouldn't you be out on a ledge somewhere?

Jerry. -What? Ray, would you give me a hand, please? Yeah, I'm coming.

My mom's down in Florida. She's got one of those condos. Hot down there in the summer. You ever been down there?

Dinner's for suckers.

She's from Finland, for crying out loud. Finland! Do you understand? I know Finland. They're neutral.

That's it! I can't take it anymore! You stole the statue! You're a thief! You're a liar! -George. -Who is this? I'm the judge and the jury, pal. And the verdict is, guilty!

How did you get the goop out of the top of the dishwashing liquid? It was like a brand-new nozzle.

She doesn't react to disappointment very well. Unlike me. I'm not happy about this.

Yeah, he'll have my parents.

You go to the beach, go in the water. Put your wallet in the sneaker. Who's gonna know? What criminal mind could penetrate this fortress of security?

'I tied a bow. They can't get through that.' 'I put the wallet down by the toe of the sneaker. They never look there. They check the heel, they move on.'

Phone rings. It's the phone company. They want more money.

You've got them right where you want them for the first time in your life. You're on the street. There's nothing they can do.

Yeah, hello, operator? Oh, I've got the money. I've got the money right here. You hear that? That's a quarter. Yeah, you want that, don't you?

You know, it's a public phone. You're not supposed to just chitchat.

Can't look at a menu now, I gotta be at the table. He knows I'm waiting. He sees me. He just doesn't wanna look.

Health cookies. I hate those little dust-board fructose things.

What is it with humanity? What kind of a world do we live in?

There's a woman over there looks really familiar. This is gonna drive me crazy.

Did you see that? Those people... Look, they're getting a table. Maybe they were here from before. No, no, they weren't here before.

You ever notice how happy people are when they finally get a table? They feel so special because they've been chosen.

It's enough to make you sick. Boy, you are really hungry.

If anything happens here, can I count on you? If we decide to go at it. Yeah, I wanna get into a rumble.

Look at his little outfit. It's all so coordinated. The little socks match the little shirt. I really hate this guy.

There's 50 bucks in it for you if you do it. You walk over to that table, you pick up an egg roll, you don't say anything, you eat it, say 'Thank you very much,' wipe your mouth, walk away.

They won't do anything. In fact, you'll be giving them a story to tell for the rest of their lives.

Remember when you first went out to eat with your parents? Remember? It was such a treat to go. And they serve you this different food that you never saw before. And they put it in front of you and it was such a delicious and exciting adventure. And now I just feel like a big sweaty hog waiting for them to fill up the trough.

Hey. What stinks in here?

Oh, no. Mr. Cohen always here. He's always here? What does that mean? What does that mean?

Where am I? Is this a dream? What in God's name is going on here?

How are you doing? Good, good. What's going on? I'm working hard. And you? Oh, you know, working around. Same stuff. Doing... whatever.

'Do they take money?' Everyone takes money. I went out with a guy who did it all the time. You slip them 20 bucks.

I'm not gonna eat that much. I'm counting your shrimps.

The women's movement just can't seem to make any progress in the world of bribery, can they?

Dennison, four! Your table is ready. No, no. I want that table. I want that table!

Who's Cartwright? I'm Cartwright. You're not Cartwright. Of course I'm not Cartwright!

Well, I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?

Seinfeld, four! Hunger will make people do amazing things. I mean, the proof of that is cannibalism.

This is good. Who is this? I like this person. I would think the hardest thing about being a cannibal is trying to get some really deep sleep.

What was that? Who's there? Who's there? Is somebody there? What do you want? What do you want? You look hungry. Are you hungry? Get out of here.

I'm not a foodie. I don't... 'Oh, this is too rare.' 'Oh, it's too salty.' Just eat it and shut up.

I have eaten rolls off of room-service trays in hotel hallways. I have. That's not a joke. This is my life.

Why would somebody poison a roll and leave it in the hallway for some comic coming down at 2:00 in the morning?

What is this, the story of the bill? 'Once upon a time, there were some very hungry people...'

A little gold tassel hanging down... Am I graduating from the restaurant?

Everybody likes pesto. You walk into a restaurant, that's all you hear. Pesto. Pesto. Pesto.

Where was pesto 10 years ago?

It's the pesto of cities.

That ought to get us a free dessert.

It's not a profession where you embellish your resume and undergo a series of grueling interviews.

He could be one of those people that walks around the street pricking people with pins.

Does the word charm mean anything to you? No.

Maybe the fat camp.

We do have a cannon leaving in about 10 minutes. Think you'd be interested in that?

Make sure you get out of the net immediately, because we shoot the luggage in right after you.

It was that fall down the stairs, that's what did it. That's not how it happened. It's when he fell on him with his knee.

Till he goes back to Seattle, or till he can feed himself?

People have fistfights in life. And I can't really believe we have boxing, either.

Why don't they have the boxers come into the ring in little cars, drive around a little bit, have a little accident, they get out-- 'Did you see my signal? Look at that fender!' Then you'd see a real fight.

Every time somebody recommends a doctor, he's always the best. 'This guy's the best.' They can't all be the best. There can't be this many bests. Someone's graduating at the bottom of these classes. Where are these doctors?

Is somewhere someone saying to their friend: 'You should see my doctor. He's the worst. Oh, yeah. He's the worst. He's the absolute worst there is. Whatever you've got, it'll be worse after you see him.'

He's just a-- He's a butcher. The man's a butcher.

Why? What's the difference? He's a doctor. What is he--? 'Oh, you know Bob. Oh, okay, I'll give you the real medicine. Everybody else I'm giving Tic Tacs.'

Neither do I, but I do it for them. I figure they're bored.

And then for some reason... I launch into the story about the kid from Pennsylvania who was abducted.

I hate ginger. I can't understand how anyone can eat ginger.

A man gave me... Yes. A man gave you... A man gave me... a massage.

He was... touching and rubbing. That's a massage.

Maybe it just wanted to change positions. You know... shift to the other side. No, no. It wasn't a shift. I've shifted. This was a move.

Do you think it's contact? It has to be touched? That's what a gym teacher once told me.

If Joe DiMaggio wants a doughnut, he goes to a fancy restaurant. He's not sitting in Dinky Doughnuts.

A stall man, huh?

Joe DiMaggio dunks his doughnuts? That's right. See, now I know it's not him. Joe DiMaggio could not be a dunker.

Yeah, you know kids. They can be very perceptive.

I didn't know you'd get me a note. Of course I'd get you a note. You didn't say anything. Neither did you.

He's got a wife, kids and a lot of other stuff.

I think it's because men know that deep down... we have weak sales resistance.

We're constantly buying shoes that hurt us, pants that don't fit right. Men think, 'Obviously, I can be talked into anything.'

'Just hold this guy's hand, walk around the store. See how you feel. No obligation, no pressure, just try it. Would you like to see him in a sandal?'

What kind of a sicko, really, would save these... have them in a huge file? Drawers that wide. You know, you just... 'Where the hell is that but...' I mean, is it that hard to get black, round buttons... that they make it into a whole thing?

You come barging in here, asking me to contribute money... to a volcano relief fund for Krakatoa. It was supposed to erupt.

I don't even pay taxes. Yeah. That's easy when you have no income.

All the little squares have hardened red sauce in them.

It's a riot, Alice.

A long, long time ago... in a galaxy far, far away.

Those brave Krakatoans... east of Java... who sacrificed so much, for so long.

See, that's karma. No, that's Kramer.

And as we speak, at this very moment... he is handing over to her all of my pertinent tax information... and she has assured us... that the matter is well within her field of expertise.

It's the financial equivalent of a complete rectal examination.

I would've killed this man. Torn him limb from limb. Ripped the flesh right off his bones.

Here I am, about to go to the electric chair... and my oldest friend is dating the governor.

[Jerry's stunned silence and reaction]

You're extremely... careful with money. I'm what? I'm cheap? You think I'm cheap?!

When I was working, I spent, baby! Yeah, I know. Champagne, limos, cigars.

A pocketbook or a handbag? Is that relevant? She took them.

Well, wouldn't it be invisible? I mean, what, are you gonna just sense it's in front of the couch?

All right, if it's gonna make you feel any better, you can see me naked. No, thank you. No, I want you to see me naked.

As far as Mr. Johnson is concerned... that's another story.

That's why I like to wear a belt when I'm naked. Because I feel it gives me something. Some, you know, 'I'm naked, but, you know...'

To be naked and still be able to do this.

Obviously, this isn't a mental institution.

I'm incapable of guile. He's never guiled.

There are no copies. Who makes copies?

It was 1987. I remember I talked to a guy, had, like, a maroon sport jacket... and he might have had a toupee. Oh, it was a weave?

At first, I thought, 'Well, IRS kind of sounds like Toys 'R' Us. Maybe it won't be so bad. Maybe they have a sense of fun about it.'

I think they should take all your receipts and put them... in one of those big, Lucite sweepstake drums... and just kind of crank it around there. Give you a feeling like you might win something.

Oh, I'm sorry. That's another illegal deduction... but we do have some lovely parting gifts for you. Jail.

I have never seen an old person in a new bathing suit... in my life. I don't know where they get their bathing suits.

My father has bathing suits from other centuries.

Fathers don't wear bathing suits, they wear trunks. It's kind of the same thing a tree would wear if it went swimming.

So I get in the water in this thing, and it's, like, floating around me... somewhere.

You bump into somebody, 'No, I'm parasailing. I'm waiting for the boat to come back.'

How much is a rent-a-car? I don't know, 25 bucks a day. What? Oh, you're crazy. Plus the insurance.

Oh, I didn't get the insurance. How could you not get the insurance?

The lake isn't real. The lake is real. Are you kidding? They built the lake. But it's real, it's water.

We decided we don't really work as a couple.

You know, look at the sun-dried tomatoes. Where were they five years ago? It just goes to show you, you never know what could happen to a vegetable.

I'm going for the record.

And scuba diving. Scuba diving? Who's going scuba diving? For fun. For fun?

Hey, it writes upside down. Yeah.

I got my feet up in the air like I'm in a space capsule.

They're nuts with temperature.

How about that guy writing a check for $19.45?

What's so special up here?

I don't know, she said Jerry wanted the pen. I never really wanted the pen.

Don't be alarmed. Oh, my God. What the hell happened to you?

My capillaries burst. Do you know what you look like?

I got about 10 feet down and felt this tremendous pressure on my mask like my eyeballs were being sucked out of their sockets.

I got in a fistfight with one of the ladies at the pool. It's from scuba diving.

Listen, Mr. Klompus... it was a nice gesture to give me the pen, but I don't really need it.

Are you people aware of what's happening? What is driving you to this behavior? Is it the humidity? Is it the Muzak? Is it the white shoes?

Say 'astronaut.' Astronaut? Say it. Astronaut! Astro....

Last year, I took him to the hospital every day. Did he ever say thank you? Oh, God. Uncle Leo.

You should get your cousin Jeffrey to write some material for you. Jeffrey works for the Parks Department. He's funnier than the whole bunch of you.

Hey, have you ever noticed how they give you the peanuts on the planes? Not my Harry! He flies first class!

Five days? You want me to stay here for five more days? There must be some mistake.

Is Florida not hot and muggy enough for these people? They love heat. If they ever decide to land men on the sun I think these old retired guys will be the only ones that will be able to handle it.

They'll sit there on the redwood benches, washcloth on their head, going: 'I'm trying to get a sweat going.'

Does it seem to you that the ventriloquist dummy has a very active sexual, social life?

He says kinky things, because he's made out of wood and he can spin his head around

Dummy feet never look really right, do they? They're just kind of dangling there. Always kind of askew

This is a joke, right? What are you, from a radio station? Okay, you got me. I fell for it.

That's a nickel a day for 20 years. It's gonna be $50,000. / If it's a dime a day, it could be 100,000.

She was developing this body in secret under these loose clothes for, like, two years. And then one day... this orange dress.

It's all a bunch of cheapskates in there anyway. People sitting around reading the newspaper attached to those huge wooden sticks trying to save a quarter.

The Dewey Decimal System. What a scam that was. Boy, this Dewey guy really cleaned up on that deal.

Then she'll need a little shot of penicillin.

The library investigator's name is actually Bookman? / That's like an ice-cream man named Cone.

Oh, tattletale. / I didn't tattle. / Well, what did this guy do? / I never figured you for a squealer. / He sang like a canary.

I remember he made you wear a jock on your head for a whole class. And the straps were hanging down...

It was like from an exhumed corpse. Little baked beans.

They also have an atomic wedgie. The goal there is to actually get the waistband on top of the head. It's very rare.

Boys are sick. / Well, what do girls do? / We just tease someone till they develop an eating disorder.

Here's a place where you can go in, take out any book you want. They just give it to you and say, 'Bring it back when you're done.' Reminds you of that pathetic friend everybody had as a kid that would let you borrow any of his stuff if you would just be his friend.

That's what the library is. It's a government-funded pathetic friend.

Who doesn't have instant coffee? / Buy a jar of Folgers crystals, put it in the cupboard, you forget about it. When you need it, it's there. It lasts forever. It's freeze-dried. Freeze-dried crystals.

I have a witness. Sherry Becker. She wore an orange dress. She gave me a piece of Black Jack gum. I said, 'Liquorice gum. What will they think of next?' I remember it!

I wore a purple dress. / Purple? / You sure it wasn't orange? / Positive.

No Black Jack? / Liquorice gum? Never.

Tropic of Capricorn? / Remember? / 'What holds the world together, as I have learned from bitter experience, is sexual intercourse.'

Wait a second, wait a second. You're right. I had both of them. We read from Tropic of Capricorn. I was all set to return Tropic of Cancer. And then...

It was George!

Maybe you're getting a raise. / Maybe I'm getting a wedgie.

It's... It's Marion's poetry. / I can't take it!

At least it wasn't atomic. / It was.

That is one tough monkey.

Any day that you had gym was a weird school day. You know what I mean? It started off kind of normal. You have, like, English, geometry, social studies, and then suddenly, you're, like, in Lord of the Flies for 40 minutes.

You're hanging from a rope. You have hardly any clothes on. Teachers are yelling at you, 'Where's your jockstrap?' You know. Kids are throwing dodge balls at you. You're trying to survive.

Does it seem to you that the ventriloquist dummy has a very active sexual, social life?

bringing them back to the suitcase at night. There's always a sawdust joke in there somewhere

He says kinky things, because he's made out of wood and he can spin his head around

we're not noticing the feet are just swinging there. Dummy feet never look really right, do they?

Those little thin, fabric ankles that they have... You think, 'I don't think this thing is real.'

Are you kidding me? Let me speak with the head librarian. It's absurd.

This is a joke, right? What are you, from a radio station? Okay, you got me. I fell for it.

Do you know how much that comes to? That's a nickel a day for 20 years. It's gonna be $50,000.

If it's a dime a day, it could be 100,000.

She was developing this body in secret under these loose clothes for, like, two years. And then one day... this orange dress.

People sitting around reading the newspaper attached to those huge wooden sticks trying to save a quarter.

Look. Trying to save a quarter.

Then she'll need a little shot of penicillin.

That's like an ice-cream man named Cone.

He sang like a canary.

He's out on a case? He actually goes out on cases?

I remember he made you wear a jock on your head for a whole class. And the straps were hanging down...

It was like from an exhumed corpse. Little baked beans.

They also have an atomic wedgie. Now, the goal there is to actually get the waistband on top of the head. It's very rare.

That's what the library is. It's a government-funded pathetic friend.

I said, 'Liquorice gum. What will they think of next?' I remember it!

Purple? You sure it wasn't orange? Positive.

It was George!

At least it wasn't atomic. It was.

That is one tough monkey.

Any day that you had gym was a weird school day... then suddenly, you're like, in Lord of the Flies for 40 minutes.

There's something off in the whole flow of that day.

Opening monologue about mall directories and suction-cup feet

That's one of those suction-cup guys. I heard about that guy. He's never lost.

One left. What a joke.

He'd go from state to state. He was away for weeks at a time. Like he's running for president and going through the primaries.

We'd get phone calls from New Hampshire.

There's no other way. Everybody goes every way all the time.

You got the picnic and burger traffic.

Sometimes even a picnic's no picnic.

That was a guy.

I remember Orange. I thought it was Orange. - I didn't pay attention.

It's black, right? - Well, it's dark brown.

How long can fish live in one of these plastic bags? - I don't know. Maybe two hours.

Why don't you just go behind one of these cars. - Why? There's nobody around.

Maybe I should just go any time I get the urge, like you, wherever I am.

There's too much urinary freedom in this society. I'm proud to hold it in. It builds character.

What would it take for his parents to get a car phone? - Hypnosis by aliens.

Don't they consult with a urologist when they build one of these places?

Why don't you mind your own business. - Well, I think hitting a defenceless child is my business.

You're ugly. - What? - You're ugly. - You are. - You are. - That's what you think. - That's what I know.

From now on, no more calling out 'I found it' unless we're sitting in it.

His eyes look a little cloudy. - See? - Oh, those are your eyes.

We're not skinheads.

Organic. So is Buddy Hackett.

Red Chinese prison? - George!

You know when you're walking with someone and you assume that they know where the car is? And you're fine until you see them do this move. Once they do this:

When they look back from where they came from... No, you're in bad shape now. Nobody that knows where they're going does that.

Pilots on planes don't open the cockpit door and go:

I was arrested for urinating. - Me too. - You what? - I have uromysitisis.

Boy, those Scientologists, they can be pretty sensitive. - I'll say.

See, the problem with the mall garage is that everything looks the same. They try to differentiate it. They put up different colours, different numbers, different letters.

What they need to do is name the levels like: 'Your mother's a whore.' You know what I mean? You would remember that. You'd go, 'I know, I'm parked at My father's an abusive alcoholic.' I know where I parked.'

There's always one location in your neighbourhood, one store that's constantly changing hands... It's like some sort of Bermuda Triangle of retail.

Eventually, when aliens land... all these store owners will wander out in a daze, going, 'I thought there was gonna be more walk-in traffic.'

I can't talk to you anymore.

Well, it's a spider.

Bazooka Joe.

You gotta be on the lease to press the buzzer.

I could probably shoot him from here. I'd be doing us both a favour.

Why must you always be the focal point of attention? Why can't you just be? Why can't you live?

Get out of here. / You get out of here. / You get out of here.

How did you hear about us? / People. People are talking.

Nobody thinks about people the way I do. Snap out of it, you stupid jerk. You're eating a turkey sandwich. You want a Nobel Prize?

Eat something! Babu.

Statute. / What? / Statute of limitations. It's not a statue. / No, it's statue. / Fine. It's a sculpture of limitations.

Would you please?! / Is it for a job or something? / Later! / You're positive it's statute? / Yes! Yes!

Oh, my God! It's all over the test! I'm out of time, anyway.

It's all right. She was cheating anyway.

I am such a great guy. Who else would've gone to the trouble to help this immigrant? I am special. My mother was right. Of course, I've never had Pakistani food. How bad could it be?

Well, I'm no genius... but according to my calculations, he should be here in a few seconds.

Well, maybe the test was gender-biased. You know, a lot of questions on hunting and testicles.

The IQ tests always have that sample question at the beginning where they show you how to fill in the circle. This should be the first elimination point right there. Anybody goes outside that circle: 'You wanna come with us, please? Yeah, you're done.'

Babu... you know, I've gotta tell you, I never do this, but the shrimp... it's just a little stringy. You have any chicken?

Bad man? Could my mother have been wrong?

It's tough to do a good deed. Let's look at your professional good-deed doers: Your Lone Rangers, your Supermen... your Batmen, your Spider-Men, your Elastic Men. They're all wearing disguises. Masks over their faces, secret identities. Don't want people to know who they are. Too much aggravation.

'Superman, thanks for saving my life... but did you have to come through my wall? I'm renting here. They got a security deposit. What am I supposed to do?'

Hair on your shower soap yesterday can be in your head tomorrow

Did they have the guy take a shower, get his soap...rush it in by helicopter? You know, keep the soap alive on the soap-support system?

We got the hairs, but I think we lost the Zest

It lands in someone's frozen yoghurt

The big toe is, like, the captain of the toes. But sometimes the toe next to the big toe gets so big that there's, like, a power struggle. And the second toe assumes control of the foot.

The coup d'é-toe

Is that the guy who likes fat women? Yeah. Doesn't the fat fetish conflict with the minimalism?

Oh, my God. Let me hear. Wait, wait, wait. Who is this woman? I don't know. I have no idea.

What do the Chinese have to gain by faking a cure for baldness? If it was real, they'd never let it out of the country. Imagine no baldness. It would be like a nation of supermen.

Tell her. I want to hear her reaction. This woman left this sexy message... Not that, you idiot! What? The Chinese! The Chinese bald cure!

Oh, my God. You?

Things you would know very little about.

Couple of guys I knew in the Coast Guard told me about her. And I sensed that she had the anger and intensity that I needed to make this film work.

They've got a billion people over there. He found a relative.

Did she think she was gonna leave this incredibly erotic message on my tape, and I was just gonna let it go? Not bloody likely.

Happy camper. Yeah, I don't hear that expression enough.

This woman, she said the filthiest things I ever heard in my life. And I get the pullback.

What is this, an Abbott and Costello routine?

You have cancer. Really? Sounds pretty good.

Would you put on your seat belt. We're about to go into a mountain. I'd go, Really, so what are you doing later by the ruptured remains of the fuselage? How about some peanuts over by the black box? I'll meet you there.

Give me an explanation why the pharmacist has to be...two and a half feet up above everybody else. What the hell is he doing he can't be on the floor with you and me?

Brain surgeons, airline pilots, nuclear physicists, we're on the same level.

Oh, no, he's gotta be two and a half feet up. 'Look out, everybody, I'm working with pills. Spread out, give me some room.'

The only hard part of his whole job that I could see...is typing everything onto that little, tiny label.

'Yeah, I'd like to get this prescription filled.' 'All right. You wait down there. Only I'm allowed up here.'

On an elevator? You met a woman on an elevator?

Impossible, right? You got less than 60 seconds. That's like dismantling a time bomb.

Can you believe I did that? What did she say? What crop circles?

Not a good sign.

You bump into anybody you knew? I had a job interview.

How did it go? Take a guess.

You don't need a job. You got Audrey. Yeah. Right.

You won't think I'm a bad person? Too late for that.

Her nose is a little big. Yeah, she's got a big nose. I mean, big would even be okay. It's beyond big. It's a schnoz.

I'm aware that my own physical dimensions...are a little short of perfection. A little.

All right, shut up. Here they come. How can I not think about it? Look at the size of this thing.

You didn't wash all day? Yeah, I washed. Just not the hand.

But what would the world be like...if people said whatever they were thinking...all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. 'Sorry, your rear end is too big.' 'Okay, your breath stinks.' 'See you later. No problem. Goodbye.' 'Okay, thank you very much.'

Now you talked her into a nose job? Me? I didn't say anything. You encouraged her to get one. I didn't encourage. No encourage.

'Peter Jennings had one'? It's possible.

I'm going straight to hell. No two ways about it. It might not be hell, but you're gonna run into bad dudes.

Not as exciting as Miss Crop Circles.

You're not letting him win. He wins till you're 40. Then what? He still wins, but it's not a blowout.

So I was in the drugstore trying to get a cold medication. You ever try this? It's an entire wall of medications.

This is quick-acting, but this is long-lasting. When do I need to feel good? Now or later? It's a tough question.

No face, mouth open. This is how drug companies see the public.

Red, wavy lines are going through him... or he's glowing. Parts of him are on fire sometimes. Lightning is attacking him.

I never had a doctor say, 'Are you having pain? Are you having any lightning with the pain?'

Maybe you could get yourself a little bow tie flea collar.

I'd go, but Long Island, it's so far out. It smacks of desperation. Everyone's gonna be saying: 'You came all the way out from Manhattan for this?'

Well, what does that mean? Good dip?

There's girls everywhere! I go out and there's girls in the elevator. They're in cafeterias, subways. So what?

You got propylparaben? Got it. You got isobutane 30? I got isobutane 20. You got sorbitan sesquioleate? Got it. I have aloe. You got aloe? I love aloe.

Girls. There's girls right here in the store. Look. Look. There's one over there. Look. There's another one.

What could possess anyone to throw a party? I mean, to have a bunch of strangers treat your house like a hotel room.

Yeah, this has got 'disaster' written all over it.

No, no, no. I got a better one: Head-patting.

Let me ask you something. Where do you get your material? I hear a voice. What kind of voice? A man's voice. But he speaks in German, so I have to get it translated.

How come you keep tapping your head? It's a nervous tick. I'm on L-dopa.

Maybe a safe fell on her head.

I try to make them think I don't like them. Then they think, 'Oh, this guy's not even looking. He must have something going for him.'

What have you been doing? I've been smacking myself senseless. People think I'm a mental patient.

Maybe the dingo ate your baby.

She told me she wants me to make love to her. What? She said that? Yeah. Get out of here. I swear.

I don't like when a woman says 'Make love to me.' It's intimidating. The last time a woman said that to me, I wound up apologizing to her.

Make love to me.' What am I, in the circus? What if I can't deliver?

That's why I never play anything for money. I choke. I could choke tonight.

What a world. So we can go now. No, he's taking the car.

All plans between men are tentative. If one man should suddenly have an opportunity to pursue a woman... it's like these two guys never met each other ever in life. This is the male code.

Most of the time, they screw up a space shuttle mission, it's because... one of the astronauts met someone on his way to the launch pad. They hold that countdown. He's leaning against the rocket: 'So when I get back, what do you say we get together for some Tang?'

You're beautiful. Call Kramer.

What's in it for me? A bigger bill. Go for it.

Kram, Sein.

620 million people died. Thousand. Thousand! 620,000. The horror. The horror!

You know, a friend of my father's used to live right around here. Mike Wichter. He sold plastic straws. You know the ones? You could bend them.

Have you noticed? People don't use straws as much as they used to.

I couldn't get the top on the convertible up. But it's cold out. Wait till we get on the Expressway.

George, I've been sick all week. Elaine was too. Eighty miles an hour, 40 degree temperature for 50 minutes. Do the math.

Mr. Pocatillo! Who? You don't recognize my voice?

Don't be so enthusiastic. I'm not gonna steal anything. No, of course not.

Yeah. Let's have lunch.

Have you ever dated a woman that worked in your office? I never had a job.

Every day is a date. That's one of Dante's nine stages of hell, isn't it?

Maybe we should call one of those escort services. Yeah. I saw one of them advertised before on the cable station. 555-LOVE.

I don't know, but I gotta do this more often.

Fifty dollars...

You're under arrest for solicitation. Oh, wait a second. I... I have chicken soup.

Small favour, small pause: 'Do me a favour? Hand me that pencil.' No pause at all. Big favours are: 'Could you do me a favour?'

It seems the way they design the car alarms... is so that the car will behave as if it was a nervous, hysterical person.

Lights flashing on and off, acting all crazy. Not everyone wants to draw that much attention to themselves.

'Excuse me?' I would like a car alarm like that.

I don't know my alarm sound. I'm not tuned into it like it's my son.

They cross the wires or something... I can't even make a pot of spaghetti.

Can I ask you a question? ... Did you steal my car? ... Yes, I did.

But that's my car. ... I didn't know it was yours. ... What are you gonna do with it? ... I don't know. Drive around.

Then can I have it back? ... No, I'm gonna keep it.

Right out of the clear blue sky? ... Clear blue sky. ... Why didn't they ask me? ... I got a quality.

This Wednesday? ... No, next Wednesday. Week after this Wednesday. But the Wednesday two days from now is the next Wednesday.

Owen March. I never heard of him. ... Well, he's not a baseball player. ... Yeah, that's true.

I made a reservation for a midsize, and she's a small. I'm kidding around, of course.

So vibrant she'd be spinning.

But the reservation keeps the car here. That's why you have the reservation. ... I know why we have reservations. ... I don't think you do.

See, you know how to take the reservation. You just don't know how to hold the reservation. And that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding.

Anybody can just take them.

Hey, Marge, see those two people? They think I'm talking to you. So you pretend like you're talking to me...

Yeah, give me the insurance... because I am gonna beat the hell out of this thing.

Seven dates is a face-to-face breakup? If it was six, I could've let you go. But seven, I'm afraid, is over the limit.

Unless, of course, there was no sex.

You mean 'a career.'

These pretzels are making me thirsty... No... These pretzels are making me thirsty... No, no. See, that's no good.

These pretzels... are making me thirsty!

Boy, he took it hard.

You raise the feet, get blood to the head. You raise the head, get blood to the feet.

A cookie! ... Can you give him a cookie? ... How's he gonna chew it? ... Move his teeth. Worked for my uncle.

Cookies don't liquefy. ... They do. You can liquefy a cookie.

You know, I've got to tell you, he's a pretty good-looking guy... Those eyebrows could use a trimming.

They sit with you. That's all they could do. 'Can you help me?' 'No, we can't help you, but we were the first ones here.'

The extent of the damage would've been far less severe... had paramedics been able to reach him sooner.

All these years, I'm living in a community, I had no idea.

Your whole business is based on other drivers. It's a rented car. That's who's driving it. Other drivers.

Did you see the size of that document? It's like the Declaration of Independence. Who's gonna read that?

Why Yankee bean, huh? Don't they have beans in the South?

All I need is the sickness. That is the most important one. 'Do you take this man in sickness?' That's the time I need somebody there.

Every mall has a Hoffritz in it. That's got to be a scary place to work.

I need knives. I need more knives. Do you have any bigger knives? I'd like a bigger knife. A big, long, sharp knife. That's what I'm in the market for. I like them really sharp. Do you have one with hooks and gouges and blades that are kind of serrated?

What do you think, they put the statue on a giant raft and a tugboat pulled it all the way from France?

Think they brought it in pieces and screwed it together like a coffee table?

Who am I gonna tell, my mother? Like I have nothing better to talk about. / You don't.

He's been off the wagon two years. / 'Off the wagon'? / I think it's 'off the wagon.' / I think it's 'on the wagon.'

I didn't know you meant hold it. I thought you meant hold it.

One drink like that, and he could fall right off the wagon. / Told you.

I never feel comfortable in the women's department. I feel like I'm just a little too close to trying on a dress.

I see a cheap man holding a sweater trying to get away with something. That's my overview.

Money. / Jerry, how could you let him spend so much? / I tried to stop him. I couldn't. He just wants to make people happy.

I don't know. / What don't you know? / I don't know. / Well, do you see it, or don't you? / Say that again. / Do you see it, or don't you? / Do I see it or don't I? That's the question. / Now, what did you ask me again?

You had sex with the cleaning woman on your desk?

I've always been attracted to cleaning women. / Cleaning women, chambermaids... / Yeah, chambermaids, I'm attracted to them too. / Why is that? / It's a woman in your room.

Convulsing? / I don't know. I'm trying to help you.

Good thing the cleaning lady was there.

You mean to tell me, I put that drink six inches over to the right and this wouldn't have happened?

Did George buy that sweater knowing the red dot was on it because it was cheaper? / Okay. You just gave me the answer. / No, I didn't. / Yes, you did. Yes, you did. I saw your expression. / I didn't have an expression. I have a deviated septum. I have to open my mouth sometimes to breathe.

Frankly, I am shocked that you could ask such a question of me. If l... The only surprise was how you could even think of that. That's what you were seeing.

I didn't tell her, you stupid idiot. She tricked you.

In the old days, how do you think they got the alcohol from town to town? / I don't know. / On a wagon. Don't you think they broke into a couple of those bottles along the way? / You can't drink on a wagon. It's too bumpy. / They had smooth trails. What about the Cumberland Gap?

Hey, Jerry, when do you consider sex has taken place? / I would say... when the nipple makes its first appearance.

It's Cape Fear. Hide. Hide under the desk. / Move over. / Get off of me. / I have no room. / My foot's sticking out. / Shut up. He's coming.

But, in a way, I think I inadvertently turned this guy into an alcoholic. I hate being around alcoholics. They're either saying how much they love you or how much they hate you. Those are the two statements that scare me most.

He's finally off the wagon. / You mean on the wagon. / Don't get smart.

Opening monologue about the helpless kid stuck in bumper cars needing attendant help

The helpless father-and-son bumper car team who can't organize

Overly complicated subway directions to Coney Island

Don't whistle on the elevator - that's what Willy Loman told Biff in Death of a Salesman

How do they work the bride and groom on that? Do they flip a coin?

All right, Biff.

Biff.

I'm sitting on the D train for an hour and 15 minutes to go on a scary ride. You know that first sharp drop on the Cyclone? Fell asleep.

Women put on perfume in an interesting way. Ever notice that, guys? They have their little key, Stratego little areas.

Women are convinced that this is the most action-packed area that could ever happen in the dating world. What is that, ladies? What is happening here?

Is that in case you slap the guy or something? He still finds you intriguing? 'Oh, Chanel!'

You know? Were you talking? I couldn't hear anything.

I was telling you about Noel. Oh, Noel, yeah. The one that plays the bongos.

She has the hand. I have no hand. Hand me that, would you? Yeah.

How do I get the hand? We all want the hand. Hand is tough to get. You gotta get the hand right from the opening.

What? Smell it. Smell it. With all due respect, I don't think so.

The beach. The beach? Did you go swimming? It's 29 degrees. No, I just joined the Polar Bear Club.

It's invigorating. Yeah... so is shock therapy.

What is that, a PEZ dispenser? Yeah. You want one?

Here, you want this? You don't want it? No, I bought five of them. Wow, great. Thanks.

I don't know how anyone does this. This must be so nerve-racking. How do they warm up their fingers?

They have a piano backstage they warm up on. No. We would have heard it. You think they just crack their knuckles and come out?

Don't applaud when she stops playing the first time. It's not over yet. I really resent that. That's directed at me, isn't it?

Is this okay? Can I do this?

Oh, God. Something I said?

I'm sorry, George. I'm sorry. What did you put the PEZ dispenser on her leg for? I don't know. It was an impulse. What kind of a sick impulse is that?

I'll tell her I was the one who laughed. No, don't say a word. If she thinks my friends are jerks, then I'm a jerk.

What are you, a baby? All right, tell him. When I was outside, I ran into John Mollica. Really? John Mollica?

Could we cut to the chase? Cut to the chase? What are you, Joe Hollywood?

A lot of people say it. I would lose that. What's that? Lose that? That's not a Hollywood expression. Yes, it is.

We got a situation over here!

These things are really hard to load.

You play a hell of a piano. Yeah, I was really moved. Really moved.

PEZ? No, thank you.

Well, you know, maybe some mental defective put something stupid on her leg.

I'm sure she would apologize if she could. Probably someone is holding her back, maybe against every fibre of her being.

By the way, how do you warm up your fingers before you play? I just crack my knuckles.

You know, I think Kramer might have been indirectly responsible for getting Richie involved in drugs. What? How?

So Kramer says to Richie: 'Why don't you dump the bucket of Gatorade on Marty Benson's head?' The club owner. Yeah. So Richie goes ahead and does it.

The guy was, like, 67 years old. It was freezing out. He caught a cold, developed pneumonia, a month later he was dead. Shut up.

All the comedians were happy because he's one of these club owners nobody liked. But Richie was never the same. What about Kramer? He's the same.

I don't have a good apartment for an intervention. The furniture, it's very nonconfrontational.

Can I get in on that? What do you think, it's like a poker game?

No, intervene, go ahead. Intervene all you want. I'm just afraid you might be interfering while we're intervening.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but that's not a bad idea.

It's over. It's definitely over. She broke up with you? No, but she's going to. I can sense it.

Yeah, Postum is underrated.

You know what that means. What's wrong with lunch? Lunch is fine at the beginning, then you move on to dinner. You don't go back to lunch. It's like being demoted.

I'll never do a crossword puzzle with her again, I know it. I like the jumble. You ever do the jumble?

I have no power, you understand? I need hand! I have no hand! Why don't you break up with her. What? Break up with her. You reverse everything that way. A preemptive breakup.

This is an incredible idea. Yeah. I got nothing to lose. We either break up, which she would do anyway, but I go out with some dignity, or I completely turn the tables!

The membranes get dry, and it just starts bleeding. Since I was a kid, so I have to stick a tissue up there. You have to work like that? Yeah. Nobody minds. Nobody's ever said anything to me.

I looked. I don't see any ice cubes. Well, then I guess there's no ice cubes. I can't drink this. It's warm.

You put a PEZ dispenser on her leg during my recital? I didn't know she would laugh. And, you... You lied to me, George. You lied to me!

The PEZ dispenser. He picks it up, he's staring at it. It's like he's hypnotized by it. Then he's telling us this story about how when he was a kid, he was in the car with his father and his father was trying to load one of them.

So as the father's trying to load it, he loses control of the car, crashes into a high school cafeteria. Get out. Nobody's hurt, but PEZ was all over the car. And the dispenser was destroyed, virtually beyond recognition.

So as he's telling the story, he starts crying. What did you do? What do you think? I gave him my PEZ dispenser.

Two hours later, he checks into Smither's clinic. Talked to the doctor yesterday. He's doing great on the rehab, he's hooked on PEZ.

He's eating them like there's no tomorrow. What's a three-letter word for candy?

Jawbreakers, to me, was like the ultimate challenge candy. It was like candy manufacturers were sitting in their laboratories, going: 'I wonder if they'll eat this. This seems pretty tough to eat. Let's market it as some sort of experiment.'

But the concept of Jawbreakers... What was the concept? Multicoloured cement balls for a quarter? Was that the idea behind it? 'Let's see if we can hurt them. Let's see if they'll pay to be hurt.'

I did it, I ate them, I loved them. 'Oh, this is very painful. I'm really hurting. And this is hurting me a lot. I love them.'

That urine sample. Giving them that, that's always a pleasure, isn't it?

I don't know what you need. I gave you whatever I had there. I got more. Whatever you need, I can get it for you. Just let me know what you need. It's no problem, I mean....

But any kind of physical test, I don't know what it is... I always click into this thing where I wanna do really well.

What you heard was a cotton ball touching a piece of felt.

We're sending the results to Washington.

We'd like you to meet the president.

If you named a kid Rasputin... do you think that would have a negative effect on his life?

Well, once I didn't have dinner till, like, 9:00. I'll tell you, that was pretty rough.

What do you need, a break from getting up at 11?

I can't commit to a woman, I'm not committing to an airline.

I think I've played there.

Your father's bald. Baldness is inherited from the mother's side, Jerry. But your mother's bald too.

I heard he used to polish off a box of Triscuits. Really? Oh, yeah. Gandhi loved Triscuits.

It's not too bad. It's not like a Sunny von Bulow coma.

And all indications are he does not like Drake's Coffee Cake. He said that? He was screaming about it all night. How it's too sweet and it falls apart when you eat it.

I'm a man who respects a good coma.

If it was one of those in-and-out comas, maybe. But when a guy's got a coma going like this... you don't wanna mess with it.

Baldness is inherited from the mother's side, Jerry. But your mother's bald too.

Psychics should be licensed. And it wouldn't be hard. We could just give them the regular DMV test only with the silver dollars and the pizza dough over the eyes.

Like Kreskin. Instead of just hiding his check... why don't we try stopping his check. Let's see how he handles that.

You can say what you want about me... but I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here while you insult my toothbrush.

No, more like the Three Stooges at the end of every movie.

You wouldn't believe it. Rasputin.

The thing I don't understand about the suicide person... is the people that try and commit suicide for some reason, they don't die, and then that's it. They stop trying.

Because they give up too easy. I say pills don't work, try a rope. Car won't start in the garage? Get a tune-up. There's nothing more rewarding than reaching a goal you've set for yourself.

I never really understood the importance of the conductor. Between you and me, what the hell is this guy doing?

Do you really need somebody waving a stick in your face to play the violin? Does that really help you out?

Tap, tap, tap. 'Start.' Okay. I could see how you need that.

I don't see the cellist looking up, 'I'm confused. I don't know what to do.' Then the conductor go, 'Do this. Like this.' 'Oh, okay, thank you. Thank you very much.'

It's hard enough to meet a woman you dislike, much less like.

At least you're not bitter.

Who says I'm not bitter? Aren't you too young to be bitter? No, you can be young and bitter. Just maybe not as bitter as I'll be 10 years from now. But I'm bitter.

Anyway, don't tell anyone. Don't worry. Your bitterness is safe with me.

Look at my hands. Look. Filthy from the paper. They should give you a Wet-Nap when you buy one, like at those rib joints.

What did you talk about? Oh, you know, the usual. The Federal Reserve, the rain forest. Cynthia felt we should nuke the rain forest. Get rid of it in one fell swoop so we could eliminate it as a subject of conversation.

Yeah, right. Yeah, right.

I've never fixed anybody up. Ugh! Me neither. And I am not about to start with George.

I didn't say 'too good,' did I? You implied it. I didn't say it. If you think she's too good for George, you are dead wrong. Dead wrong.

What's with the eyebrows?

That's because my standards are too low.

Well, let me tell you something about George. He is fast. He can run like the wind. And he's strong. I've seen him lift 100 pounds over his head without even knowing it. You wouldn't know it to look at him, but George can bait a hook.

We're going to tell each other everything? Every secret? Everything. What if it worked out? Yeah, right.

What does she look like? She's good-looking. How good-looking? Very good-looking. Really good-looking? Really very good-looking. Would you take her out? Yes, I would. You hesitated.

What hesitate? I didn't hesitate. Something's up. You hesitated.

What about the body? Good body. Nice body. How nice? Nice. Pretty nice. Really good? Really very nice and good.

Funny. Bright. I don't want anyone smarter than me. How could she be smarter than you?

'Thick, lustrous hair is important to me.' Is that what you said? Right. Just clarifying.

If you stick your hand in the hair, is it easy to get it out? Do you want to get it out? Or do you want to not be able to get it out? I'd like to be able to get it out. I think you'll get it out.

What about the skin? I need a good cheek. I like a good cheek. She's got a fine cheek. Is there a pinkish hue? Yes, a rosy glow. There's a hue.

Is she sweet? I like sweet. But not too sweet. You could throw up from that. I don't think you'll throw up. She likes to throw up.

He didn't really try to poison his boss. Yeah, he did.

I thought she had a great voice timbre. Is it 'timbre' or 'tambre'? I think it's tambre. Why'd I think timbre?

She could do voice-overs. You didn't tell me about her voice? It's mellifluous.

What will you do with all of them? Oh, well... Take some, Jerry. Grab them.

No, thanks. They look like they came out of a cereal box.

I think we should have, like, a secret signal with the druggist. You walk into the store, go to the counter. He looks at you. And if you go like this-- He puts them in the bag for you.

Show up there with your little shaving cream, your little toothpaste. How are you today? 'Have a nice day.' 'You too.'

It's George. He just got home. Yeah. I got Cynthia on the line. I'll call you back when I'm done. Remember our pact: full disclosure.

I'm gonna tell you, but I made a pact with Cynthia. We swore we wouldn't tell you and Elaine. You can tell. I'll vault it. It's in the vault? I'm locking the vault.

We had sex. Oh, my God, you had sex? How did that happen? I don't know. I closed my eyes and made a move.

At your apartment? Yeah. She didn't stay over? No. She left.

So, what did she say? What did he have to say? He said he had a good time. Her too. Oh, good. Anything else? No. You? No. You sure? Yeah. You? Yeah.

Don't call. No, I'm calling her. No, Jerry, I don't want you to. Get away from me. Give me the phone. You wanna fight me? Jerry, I'm gonna kill you.

Don't worry. If anything was wrong, she'd have called you. I missed my period. Oh, my God! I am very worried. I am never late.

What's the problem with your little flaky friend? She doesn't return calls? Who are you to talk about her like that? She'll call him when she's good and ready. You don't even know her. Oh, I know her. I know her type.

Her type? What type? The type that doesn't return calls. I knew we shouldn't have done it. It was a bad idea. I told you. You told me? You pushed this whole thing on me.

I was just helping your bitter, twisted friend. She's not bitter. Bitter's a judgment call. She's twisted. Twisted? God, I did you a favor!

Are you calling me a liar? I'm calling you one if you are. Are you? Get your finger out of my face. Get yours out. I don't care. Get out! Out! Out! Out!

By the way, when you see George, give him these. These'll work. I knew those condoms were defective! How did you know they were defective?! Because! Because she missed her period!

But have you ever fixed anybody up? Why do we do it? Why? You thought they'd have a good time and little power trips for you, isn't it? Now you're playing God.

Of course, God was the first person to fix people up. He fixed up Adam and Eve. I'm sure he said to Adam, 'No, she's nice. She's-- Yes, she's very free about her body. Doesn't really wear much. She was going out with a snake. I think that's over, though.'

At the health club, people are working out...and they're training, getting in shape...but strangely, nobody's really getting in shape for anything.

The only reason that you're getting in shape...is that so you can get through the workout.

So we're working out...so that we'll be in shape for when we have to do our exercise.

The other thing I don't get is why we're so careful...about locking up our dirty towels and smelly jockstraps.

What exactly is the black market on these disgusting gym clothes?

I'll give my car to any guy in front of a restaurant...because he's got a short red jacket.

But my stinking, putrefied gym clothes...I got one of these locks...you could put a bullet through it and it won't open.

Wide open! I was wide-open underneath. I had three inches on that guy.

See, you two were hogging the ball. Me? It wasn't me. I never even saw the ball.

All you do is dribble. I have to dribble. If I give it to you, you just shoot. You're a chucker.

Oh, I'm a chucker. Every time you get the ball, you shoot. I can't believe you called me a chucker.

No way I'm a chucker! I do not chuck. Never chuck! Never have chucked! Never will chuck! No chuck!

You chuck. -Kramer, am I a chucker? -Oh, you're a chucker.

My God, I'm a chucker.

All these years, you never told me? -It's not an easy thing to bring up.

Hey, you know, this is the first time we ever saw each other naked?

Believe me, I didn't see anything. Oh, you didn't sneak a peek? -No. Did you? -Yeah, I snuck a peek.

Why? -Why not?

I made a conscious effort not to look. There's certain information I just don't wanna have.

Look at this guy. Does he have to stretch in here?

You know who that is? That's Keith Hernandez. Keith Hernandez, the baseball player?

He's a real smart guy too. He's a Civil War buff. Wow, I'd love to be a Civil War buff.

What do you have to do to become a buff? So Biff wants to be a buff?

Well, sleeping less than 18 hours a day would be a start.

Hey, should we say something to him? Oh, I'm sure he loves to hear from fans in the locker room.

He's Keith Hernandez. You're Jerry Seinfeld. So?

Really? I've always wanted to do what you do. Do what I do?! You're one of my favorite ballplayers of all time!

You know, Keith, what I've always wondered is...with all these ball clubs flying around all season...wouldn't you think there'd be a plane crash?

But think about it: 26 teams, 162 games a season. You'd think eventually, an entire team would just get wiped out.

Well, it's only a matter of time.

It's been three days, and he hasn't called.

Well, maybe you should call him. I can't. I can't. Why not? I just feel like he should call me.

What's the difference? You don't understand, Elaine. I don't want to be overanxious.

If he wants to see me, he has my number. He should call.

I can't stand these guys. You give your number to them, and then they don't call.

Why do they do that? I'm sorry, honey.

I mean, I really thought he liked me. We were getting along. He came over to me. I didn't go over to him.

Why did he come over to me? I mean, here I meet this great guy, this ballplayer...best guy I ever met.

Well, that's it. I'm never giving my number out to another guy again.

You know, maybe he's been busy. Maybe he's been out of town. Oh, what, they don't have phones out of town?

I love how people say they're too busy. 'Too busy.' Pick up a phone! Takes two minutes. How can you be too busy?

I know, but this is all very confusing. When you're in your 30s, it's very hard to make a new friend.

Whatever the group is you've got now, that's who you're going with. You're not interviewing, not looking at any new people.

If I meet a guy at a club or a gym: 'Hey, look, I'm sure you're very nice. You seem to have a lot of potential. We're just not hiring right now.'

When you're a kid...you can be friends with anybody. If someone's in front of my house...that's my friend. They're my friend. That's it.

Are you a grownup? No? Great. Come on in! Let's jump up and down on my bed!

You like cherry soda? I like cherry soda! We'll be best friends!

See the baby. Again with the baby. Can't they just send us a tape?

Unfortunately, the immutable laws of physics contradict...the whole premise of your account.

Allow me to reconstruct this, if I may, for Ms. Benes...as I've heard this story a number of times.

The spit then proceeds to ricochet...off the temple, striking Newman between the third and the fourth rib.

The spit then splashed off the wrist, pauses...in midair, mind you...makes a left turn and lands on Newman's left thigh.

That is one magic loogie.

Well, my head...went back, to the left. Say that again. Back and to the left. Back and to the left.

That there had to have been a second spitter.

Behind the bushes, on the gravelly road.

But that's not what they would have you believe.

The sad thing is, we may never know the real truth.

Should I shake his hand? You want to catch a movie this weekend? Have you seen JFK?

This weekend. Wow! Sure. That would be great. Damn. I was too overanxious. He must have noticed that.

Go ahead, shake his hand. I'm Jerry Seinfeld. I've been on The Tonight Show.

I don't know. We used to go out. Would you mind if I gave her a call? For a date? Yeah. Oh, no....Go ahead.

What kind of a shake does he have? Good shake. Perfect shake. Single pump, not too hard. Didn't have to prove anything, but firm enough to know he was there.

He's supposed to see me on Friday. We made plans! Well-- I'll cancel it. No, don't cancel it.

I've never seen you jealous before. Well, you're not even a fan. I was at game six. You didn't even watch it.

What delay industries? No! Vandalay! Say Vandalay! No, you're way, way, way off!

Unemployment, it's a tough thing. Even if you get a job after you've been unemployed...they take unemployment out of your check every week...and show it to you in that little box.

How good can it be for your confidence that every paycheck...has the word 'unemployment' on it?

He's down there every week waiting on the lines and getting interviewed...and making up all these lies about looking for jobs.

If they had any idea the effort and energy that he is expending...to avoid work, I'm sure they'd give him a raise.

The guy is doing a tremendous job...not working.

Do you love her? Yes, I do love her. You have a very nice place here. So who do you think she looks like? Lyndon Johnson.

What? Lyndon Johnson? He's joking. No, I'm not joking. She looks like Lyndon Johnson.

Nobody ever wants you to come over and see their grandfather, do they? 'You've got to see my grandfather. You've got to see him. He's so cute. 168 pounds, 4 ounces.'

"You hungry? Tuna sandwich is $9. You don't like it, go back to your own country."

I think the whole airport-airline complex is a huge scam just to sell the tuna sandwiches

The terminals, the airplanes... it's all just a distraction... so that you don't notice the beating that you're taking on the tuna

Clock interaction sequence - man refuses to use his own watch despite wearing one

"So you have no car." "No." "So, what good are you?"

"If he knew O'Brien, he wouldn't have a sign"

"What's gonna happen? They can't kill us."

Irish name negotiation - George wants to be Dylan Murphy instead of just himself

"Hey, do you have the time?" "Clock over there."

"She happy for you?"

Testing if driver can hear by suggesting picking up his sister for fun

"That's right, baby doll."

"It was a bad jig. We never should've started it." "It was a good jig." "It was a bad jig. A terrible, terrible jig."

"First, you don't look like any O'Brien." "You should've been O'Brien."

"Oh, yes, he's very proud of his work in The Big Game."

Elaine's salary interrogation and Jerry's response about knowing how much George makes

"You see a limo go by, you know it's either a rich guy... or 50 prom kids with $1.75 each."

"Most of the time, you feel like... you're in some depressing single guy's apartment from, like, 1975."

"You're counting, there must've been 10,000 asses already on this seat."

"Think someone's been tipped off?" in response to missing tip-off

"You're not gonna open with that, are you?"

"And you don't look like a Murphy." "I may not look like one... but I act like a Murphy."

Jerry's fake Irish backstory ending with 'Cereal famine. Couldn't get a bowl anywhere.'

"The peat." delivered with fake Irish reverence

"He was talking to me. He's cross-eyed. It could be very confusing."

"We did not want to antagonize the Nazis."

Nazi casual 'Heil' bit - office small talk combined with Nazi salutes

"Can I have one of those doughnuts?" with casual Heil

The concept behind phones is that we all have absolutely nothing to say and we've got to talk to someone about it right now.

You gotta give people a chance to miss you a little!

Your left rear tire's a little low. That can affect the performance of the twin I-beam suspension, not to mention your rack-and-pinion steering.

So I wound up going out for a decaf cappuccino with her.

Let's not even analyze it.