Elaine Benes

I'll eat out.

No. The waitress/actress. She just got some part... in some dinner theatre production of A Chorus Line.

So now all day long she's walking around the apartment singing:

I left the door open because I was gonna bring the spatula right back.

Well, I got caught up watching a soap opera. Bold and the Beautiful.

Picking someone up at airport, jury duty, waiting for cable company.

You ran out of underwear and can't leave the house.

How about, you've been diagnosed as a multiple personality? You're not even you. You're Dan.

You made a man cry? I never made a man cry. I kicked a guy in the groin once, and he didn't cry.

That sounds like a great idea. It would be fun. Kramer! Yeah! Perfect.

We're doing that, uh, evening of Eastern European national anthems. Right. You know, the Wall being down and everything.

I dropped a grape... and it disappeared... I was literally on my knees for 10 minutes looking for this stupid grape.

Of course, my apartment is The Actors' Studio, so we can't go there.

I'll have the tuna.

What do you think a hit man would charge to rub out a couple of cats? Well, it couldn't be too expensive. Thirteen, fourteen bucks a cat?

What do you think, Jerry, you wanna make 28 bucks? I'm no cat killer.

How about we go over there right now... and we shave them?

No, I don't want to sit in back. I'll be left out of the conversation. I'll have to stick my chin on top of the seat.

I think you're afraid to sit next to a man. You're a little homophobic, aren't you? Is it that obvious?

A relationship is an organism. You created this thing... and then you starved it, so it turned against you. Same thing happened in The Blob.

Why would George want to deprive you of pleasure? Is it just me? It's partially you, yeah.

Apartment elevators are always slower than offices... because you don't have to be home on time. Unless you're married to a dictator. Because they'd be very demanding people.

So I walked up behind him, tapped him on the shoulder and said: 'Hi, remember me?' And he furrows his brow... as if he's really trying to figure it out. So I said to him... I said, 'You little phoney. You know exactly who I am.'

I swallowed a fly! What do I do? What can happen?

You're going? I don't really eat dessert. I'm dieting. Yeah, I can't eat dessert either. The sugar makes my ankles swell up, and I can't dance.

Can't dance? He's kidding, Manya. Is that a joke?

What about ponies, huh? What kind of abnormal animal is that? And those kids who had their own ponies. Oh, I know. I hated those kids. In fact, I hate anyone that ever had a pony when they were growing up.

How long does a funeral take? Depends on how nice the person was... ...but you gotta figure even Oswald took 45 minutes.

I know, then you say to yourself: 'From this moment on, I'm not gonna waste any more of it.' But then you go, 'How? I mean, what can I do that's not wasting it?' Well, is this a waste of time? What should we be doing? Can't you have coffee with people?

You know, I can't believe you're even considering not playing. We need you. You're hitting everything. He has to go. He may have killed her.

Me? What about you? You brought up the pony. Oh, yeah, but I didn't say I hated anyone who had one.

Maybe she's there in spirit. How about that? If you're a spirit, and you can travel to other dimensions and galaxies... ...and find out the mysteries of the universe... ...you think she'll be at Drexler's Funeral Home on Ocean Parkway?

I always felt he deserved a wider audience. I'm not so sure he wants one.

Frankly, I prefer the company of nitwits.

How much is it? - Oh, my God.

Bad? Very bad? - You have no idea. - I have some idea. - No idea. - I've got a ballpark. - There's no park... and the team has relocated.

He was gonna tow it with me in the car.

He said he was getting instructions, that each dove has a different diet.

Thanks again for coming last night. Dad said he had a great time. - Is he still in town? - He's driving back to Maryland tonight.

I didn't wanna tell you this, but usually he hates everyone.

Said you reminded him of somebody he knew in Korea.

Dad thinks George is gay. - Oh, because of all the singing? - No. He pretty much thinks everyone is gay.

Boy, it's too bad you gave me this one too.

I think if one's going to kill oneself, the least you could do is leave a note. It's common courtesy. That's just the way I was brought up. Values are important.

Germs were building a town in there. They were constructing offices. Houses near the drain were going for $150,000.

I don't know what your parents did to you.

Jumping up and down?

Would you please?

I got you an apartment in this building. - No! - Yes. - No! You didn't! - Yes. I did.

Four hundred a month? Only 400 a month? Four hundred a month.

We can exchange keys so we can come in and out. Oh, this is gonna be great. All the time. All the time.

Winston Churchill said, 'Why stand when you can sit?'

Come on. She'll pay you back. What's 5 grand between friends? Of course I'd pay you back. Yeah. So, what's the problem?

Or maybe he's dead.

Was Jerry? I can't remember.

Big coincidence. Not a big coincidence. A coincidence. No, that's a big coincidence. That's what a coincidence is. There are no small coincidences and big coincidences. No. There are degrees of coincidences. No. There are only coincidences. Ask anyone.

Instead of editing the first novel of a major young writing talent...I am proofreading a food-allergy cookbook.

And he doesn't think you're funny at all.

We're just gonna put a little concrete in the washing machine.

You're like Lex Luthor.

I think what he's trying to say... is that he's having a heart attack.

Jerk-off.

Is anybody getting your apartment?

In fact, we were forbidden to socialize with anybody... who didn't have their tonsils.

Well, it's like the Capulets and the Montagues.

I don't want to run into Dr. Tongue.

It's not funny. There's nothing funny about that.

Hey, lookit. Naked people.

What was that look? - What look? The look you just gave me. - I gave a look? - Yes. - What kind of a look? - I know that look.

Well, you're the big look expert.

Thirty-seven.

We know the terrain. - No big surprises.

It's almost stupid if we didn't. - It's moronic. - Absurd.

The idea is to combine the this... and the that. But this cannot be disturbed. We just want to take this... and add that.

Beautiful. Let's make it a rule. All right, sir.

It's bourgeois.

Surgery! You're going to the dentist!

You got me cash? This way, I figure you could go out and get yourself whatever you want. No good? Who are you, my uncle?

I am not your pal. What's wrong with pal? Why is everybody so down on pal?

The bench! You got me the bench that I wanted!

You know, we never had one fight before this deal. - I know. - Never. - Ever. - We got along beautifully. - Like clams.

No this? No that. No this or that.

This, that and the other. Oh, sure. Of course. You're entitled. Who doesn't want this, that and the other? You.

Or maybe he's dead.

Jerry. -What? Ray, would you give me a hand, please? Yeah, I'm coming.

Was Jerry? I can't remember.

There are no small coincidences and big coincidences. No. There are degrees of coincidences. No. There are only coincidences. Ask anyone.

You should run for mayor. - Nobody listens.

It's enough to make you sick. Boy, you are really hungry.

I know this sounds crazy, but the two men standing behind me will give me 50 bucks if I stand here and eat one of your egg rolls. I'll give you 25 if you let me do it.

How do people fast? Did Gandhi get this crazy?

'Do they take money?' Everyone takes money. I went out with a guy who did it all the time. You slip them 20 bucks.

I'm not gonna eat that much. I'm counting your shrimps.

What a sorry exhibition that was.

Cartwright! I can't have popcorn for dinner. Cartwright!

I am one clever chickadee.

Does the word charm mean anything to you? No.

if I don't get this guy on a plane to Seattle, and out of my life, I'm going to kill him and anyone who tries to stop me.

He's a wonderful guy, but I hate his guts.

I told him I've been having my period the last five days.

If you oversleep more than 10 minutes, a hand comes out and slaps you in the face.

Shoes weren't invented until the 4th century. People walked around for thousands of years without them!

I knew I was challenging the very laws of physics.

They say no one's ever beaten the Van Wyck... but, gentlemen, I tell you this: I came as close as anyone ever has

that numbskull... would be on a plane for Seattle right now... instead of looking for a parking space downstairs.

Well, that's how my 5-year-old eats. He's a very picky eater.

Then why get the massage? Exactly.

I didn't know you'd get me a note. Of course I'd get you a note. You didn't say anything. Neither did you.

Like you'd make this donation for 50 bucks... and I'd start tearing my clothes off?

See, that's karma. No, that's Kramer.

I saw her naked. He saw me naked. Kramer saw me naked.

All right, if it's gonna make you feel any better, you can see me naked. No, thank you. No, I want you to see me naked.

It's invisible. So is everything cool or what?

Today's over. Then we have tomorrow. We leave on Sunday. It's one day, really.

Half a day, really. I mean, you subtract showers and meals, it's like 20 minutes.

Mrs. Seinfeld, please... I am begging you: Put the air conditioner on.

You're hot? I've lost six pounds.

The shoes have to match the pocketbook. What's she doing, yoga?

I got in a fistfight with one of the ladies at the pool. It's from scuba diving.

Say 'astronaut.' Astronaut? Say it. Astronaut! Astro....

Well, today's almost over, and weekdays always go by fast. And Friday, we're leaving, so it's like two days, really. It's like a cup of coffee. It'll go by like that.

You don't know. You see, 'I don't know anything' means there's something to know. If you really didn't, you'd say: 'You're crazy.'

Boys are sick. / Well, what do girls do? / We just tease someone till they develop an eating disorder.

Maybe you're getting a raise. / Maybe I'm getting a wedgie.

Oh, memory burn, huh?

Oh, tattletale.

You see, 'I don't know anything' means there's something to know. If you really didn't, you'd say: 'You're crazy.'

We just tease someone till they develop an eating disorder.

I can't.

Pressed chest Fleshed out west Might be the saviour Or a garden pest That is great poetry. You should be published.

Maybe I'm getting a wedgie.

I can't take it! Oh, Kramer.

Why do they hide the bathrooms in these malls?

It's amazing how shopping makes me have to go. How does my bladder know I'm in a department store?

Red Chinese prison? - George!

I was arrested for urinating. - Me too. - You what? - I have uromysitisis.

That's right, go. Go home to your dumbbells. Go work on your pecs and your lats. We're all really impressed.

Don't worry, I'm packing heat.

Boy, those Scientologists, they can be pretty sensitive. - I'll say.

Mine's 145.

Get out of here. / You get out of here. / You get out of here.

Hey, I love a good caper.

Statute. / What? / Statute of limitations. It's not a statue. / No, it's statue. / Fine. It's a sculpture of limitations.

Would you please?! / Is it for a job or something? / Later! / You're positive it's statute? / Yes! Yes!

Jerry...I want to slide my tongue around you like a snake.

Some bald thing, a bald thing. I don't know. It's nothing.

Follow me. Is George Costanza. And he plays an airline pilot who's just returned from Rome. And I'm about to show him how much I've missed him.

Oh, it's always simulated except with George. That's in my contract.

He believes it possesses some extraordinary power over women.

Yeah, well, you can kiss that jacket goodbye, Mr. Von Nausen.

How did you get fleas? My cousin's imbecile dog was outside and they got in his carpet.

You got propylparaben? Got it. You got isobutane 30? I got isobutane 20. You got sorbitan sesquioleate? Got it. I have aloe. You got aloe? I love aloe.

What a world. So we can go now. No, he's taking the car.

You don't care that innocent, defenceless animals... are tortured so you look good? Are you a vegetarian? Yeah. I eat fish occasionally. So you're a hypocrite.

Fish don't feel any pain. How do you know? Do you communicate with fish? Well, they're not kept in little cages. Ever seen a goldfish?

Swim around a bowl for two weeks... and get flushed down the toilet. That's a good life.

You're beautiful. Call Kramer.

You're stealing this, aren't you? I'm not stealing. They owe me $10. They stole from me. You're a lunatic. I have to. It's a matter of honour.

Can I still buy this or is this evidence now?

Is that real fur? Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Maybe you should call your car phone.

I love being with him. I mean, I like being with him. It's okay being with him. I just don't enjoy being with him.

Reaction beat - Elaine's silence to the sex question

He is not a drug addict.

Five seconds! The next words out of my mouth were, 'Owen, it's over.'

It's a bitch to get here. It's two subways. I have to transfer at 42nd Street to take the double-R.

Told me he was just using me for sex.

Keep your hands to yourself if you know what's good for you.

Today is your lucky day. / It would be my first one.

Money. / Jerry, how could you let him spend so much? / I tried to stop him. I couldn't. He just wants to make people happy.

I don't know. / What don't you know? / I don't know. / Well, do you see it, or don't you? / Say that again. / Do you see it, or don't you? / Do I see it or don't I? That's the question. / Now, what did you ask me again?

Did George buy that sweater knowing the red dot was on it because it was cheaper? / Okay. You just gave me the answer. / No, I didn't. / Yes, you did. Yes, you did. I saw your expression. / I didn't have an expression. I have a deviated septum. I have to open my mouth sometimes to breathe.

Hey, did Jerry leave that drink next to Dick's on purpose? / No. / George? / Over here.

He's finally off the wagon. / You mean on the wagon. / Don't get smart.

I feel when lesbians are looking at me, they're thinking: 'That's why I'm not a heterosexual.'

There is no 'he.' ... It's a lesbian wedding.

I'm the best man.

I'm not a lesbian! I hate men, but I'm not a lesbian.

Elaine's banana counting to pass time

Oh, God. Something I said?

It's John Mollica. Oh. Oh, John. Oh, hi, John. Hi. What are you doing out here? I was just at this recital and Jerry put this PEZ dispenser on my leg and I just started laughing.

Really? Boy... you really look great. Oh, thank you.

He's kind of messed up on drugs. I don't know what to do. Have you thought about an intervention?

You get all his friends in a room and they confront him to try to get him into rehab. It's a very popular thing now.

I'm sure she would apologize if she could. Probably someone is holding her back, maybe against every fibre of her being.

You don't wanna go out with me because I'm a bartender, right? Look, you know, I don't really think that this is appropriate right now. Is it because I have a tissue in my nose?

That laugh. That's the laugh. That's it! You're the one! No, no. No, it was an accident. It wasn't my fault! It was Jerry!

The carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since One Hour Martinizing.

The problem is that the good ones know they're good. They know they're in demand. They're not interested in confining themselves to one person.

I hate the good ones.

Is Jerry a good one? That's a good question. I think he thinks he is.

The mediocre ones are available but so insecure not being a good one they're always, 'I'm not good enough for you. What are you doing with me?' Eventually I just go, 'You're right.'

No, maybe I need somebody who has nothing. Somebody who just appreciates being with me because he's so desperate.

It's gotten to the point where I'm flirting with operators on the phone. I almost made a date with one.

I don't want hope. Hope is killing me. My dream is to become hopeless. When you're hopeless, you don't care. When you don't care, that indifference makes you attractive.

So hopelessness is the key. It's my only hope.

Okay. Order me a piece of cake. I'm gonna go throw up.

What did you talk about? Oh, you know, the usual. The Federal Reserve, the rain forest. Cynthia felt we should nuke the rain forest. Get rid of it in one fell swoop so we could eliminate it as a subject of conversation.

Yeah, right. Yeah, right.

I've never fixed anybody up. Ugh! Me neither. And I am not about to start with George.

Well, why wouldn't you start with George? You think she's too good for George?

I didn't say 'too good,' did I? You implied it. I didn't say it. If you think she's too good for George, you are dead wrong. Dead wrong.

You know what your problem is? Your standards are too high. I went out with you.

And by the way, women kill for eyebrows like that. Do you know that? Women pluck their real eyebrows out of their head one by one until they're bald, Jerry, bald above the eyes. And then they paint in these eyebrows to look like that.

He can really do that?

We're going to tell each other everything? Every secret? Everything. What if it worked out? Yeah, right.

He tried to poison his boss. Excuse me? It's such a long story. Seriously, he just had some problems at work.

What does he look like? Well, he's got a lot of character in his face. He's short. Um, he's stocky. He's fat. Is that what you're saying, that he's fat? Powerful.

He is so powerful. He can lift 100 pounds right up over his head.

He's bald? No. No, no, no. He's not bald. He's balding. So he will be bald? Yeah.

Has he been close? He once spent a weekend with a woman.

He didn't really try to poison his boss. Yeah, he did.

Half a bag? What am I, a hooker?

Anyway, they look kind of cheap. I'll take one.

It's George. He just got home. Yeah. I got Cynthia on the line. I'll call you back when I'm done. Remember our pact: full disclosure.

He was uncomfortable because it was our first time. So he felt he'd perform better if we did it in the kitchen. What? He says the kitchen is the most sociable room in the house. And he was serious.

So how was it? How good could it be? My head was on a hot plate.

So, what did she say? What did he have to say? He said he had a good time. Her too. Oh, good. Anything else? No. You? No. You sure? Yeah. You? Yeah.

Don't worry. If anything was wrong, she'd have called you. I missed my period. Oh, my God! I am very worried. I am never late.

But he used a condom, right? I know, but these things aren't always foolproof. Oh, no. What? Was it blue? Yeah. How'd you know? Just a hunch.

It says 'twist-off.' Twist off! Twist! Off!

What's the problem with your little flaky friend? She doesn't return calls? Who are you to talk about her like that? She'll call him when she's good and ready. You don't even know her. Oh, I know her. I know her type.

Her type? What type? The type that doesn't return calls. I knew we shouldn't have done it. It was a bad idea. I told you. You told me? You pushed this whole thing on me.

I was just helping your bitter, twisted friend. She's not bitter. Bitter's a judgment call. She's twisted. Twisted? God, I did you a favor!

Are you calling me a liar? I'm calling you one if you are. Are you? Get your finger out of my face. Get yours out. I don't care. Get out! Out! Out! Out!

By the way, when you see George, give him these. These'll work. I knew those condoms were defective! How did you know they were defective?! Because! Because she missed her period!

Elaine, I was speechless. Wow. Wow. You see? You think you know somebody. I said to him, 'I really appreciate this, but I just got my period.'

Well, maybe you should call him. I can't. I can't. Why not? I just feel like he should call me.

What's the difference? You don't understand, Elaine. I don't want to be overanxious.

Why do they do that? I'm sorry, honey.

You know, maybe he's been busy. Maybe he's been out of town. Oh, what, they don't have phones out of town?

Jerry, he's a guy.

See the baby. Again with the baby. Can't they just send us a tape?

Maybe if you wait a few months, it won't be a baby anymore. Then you won't have to see it. Because he'll be all grown-up.

What date? It's a guy.

He's supposed to see me on Friday. We made plans! Well-- I'll cancel it. No, don't cancel it.

I've never seen you jealous before. Well, you're not even a fan. I was at game six. You didn't even watch it.

Wait a second. Wait a minute. Are you jealous of him or are you jealous of me?

Elaine's salary interrogation and Jerry's response about knowing how much George makes

Elaine's fake praise for 'The Big Game' - "it's changed my life... left me breathless... brilliant man"

"Jerry's a Nazi?" "I can't even believe I didn't see it."

"He's just neat." - Elaine defending Jerry

Queens?

I am without speech.

They're always trying to make me feel like their life is so much better.

You know, I have a very exciting life. It's very exciting.

Eduardo Caroccio.

They don't really fight the bull. They avoid fighting the bull.

French Connection kind of thing. You know, sort of a Popeye Doyle chase through the city.

Eduardo Caroccio. That's good. That's very good. Kind of just rolls off the tongue.

Perhaps, Zabar's. Or Ray's Pizza.

You ever pretend there's murderers chasing you and see how fast you can get into your apartment?

Jerry and Elaine actually playing the murderer game

Kramer appearing just as they finish the game

I want mine back. - What for? - Because I'll give them to Jerry. - Jerry? Why? - Because he gave me his. - So what? - So if he has my keys, I should have his.

Yeah, yeah, I saw it. I mean, it was complete bull... But I saw.

Elaine's fury at Jerry and George for reading her script

The final key exchange chaos with everyone returning keys

All bald people look good in hats. You should have lived in the '20s and '30s. Men wore hats all the time then. What a bald paradise that must have been. Nobody knew.

We were at the tollbooth at the Henry Hudson Parkway, okay? And there were these, like, this pack... of extremely wild teenagers in a convertible behind us, okay?

George is such a great driver. / He is? / He is fantastic.

And then they fired a gun right up in the air! / A gun? / I think it was a gun.

By the way, the car hit a pothole, and now it's making a clanking noise.

Well, I mean, as long as you're okay, that... That's the important thing. / Exactly.

I told him a pack of teenagers in a convertible were terrorizing us... and they followed us into the city.

You are a genius. It's as simple as that. / What can I say? You know, it's a gift.

I only wish I could teach you, but, you know, it's inborn.

Amazing how they pick you out of everyone to terrorize. / Yeah. I know. I said to myself, 'Why us?' You remember?

I couldn't help it! Elaine moved the mirror! I got discombobulated! / Like you've ever been 'bobulated.'

You ever pretend there's murderers chasing you... and see how fast you can get into your apartment?

Boy, that was close. Did you see the look on that guy's face?

he wants my keys, so I need mine back from you. Because you have his keys? Why does he need yours? I don't know, he said he wants to be my key brother.

So if he has my keys, I should have his. I don't see why if you have his... he should have yours. I just said the same thing. What? What?

Oh, you didn't see it? Yeah, I saw it. I saw it. I saw it. Yep.

You-- You weasels! How dare you! We hardly read anything. It was funny.

What did you say? I didn't say anything. I heard something. Elaine, Elaine, it's Kramer! Kramer's on Murphy Brown!

Oh, God. I thought you were in California. / Well, I came back for you. / Oh, shut up.

It's a tell. You got a tell. / What tell? What's a tell? / When you ask about their relationship and they touch their face... you know it's not going too well.

Are you eating my peanut butter out of the jar with your disgusting fingers?

He has this power over me, okay? He has this way of manipulating every little word that I say. He's like a Svenjolly.

Svenjolly? I did not say, Svenjolly. / George? / Svenjolly.

His name is... Kramer.

He's like a Svenjolly.

Can you do that? - Yeah, I'm your boyfriend. Yeah. - Okay. - Have we been intimate?

All right. All right. We do it... ...five times a week, okay? - Oh, baby.

He's a bubble boy! A bubble boy? Yes, a bubble boy. What's a bubble boy? He lives in a bubble. Boy.

What kind of a bubble, like an igloo?

Gary Seinfield.

That is so lame, Jerry. People will be reading that for the next 20 years and laughing at you.

This chicken is really good.

Listen, Jerry's under a lot of pressure right now. It's very hard being a stand-up comedian. Sometimes they don't laugh.

Hey, look, I'm gonna pay for that. - No, no. - No, I insist. I was the one that encouraged you to fire her. - Okay.

Maybe I'll visit my mother. She just bought me some new panties, and they're all laid out for me.

He doesn't let you use the toilet.

They're smooth. Creamy. Delicate yet masculine.

Why are you wearing this now? - Why am I wearing it now? I'll tell you why I'm wearing it now. Because the low-talker asked me to, that's why.

You can't come out dressed like that. You're all puffed up. You look like the Count of Monte Cristo.

You look like you're gonna swing in on a chandelier.

And my diaphragm goes flying out... So I just froze... it's just lying there

You never know when you're gonna need it.

They all turn into farmers suddenly.

Since she met him, she's been vomited on, her cabin burned down, learned her father's a homosexual and got fired. Yeah, they had a real good thing going.

It's apples and oranges. - Why? - Because you're a woman. - So what? It's easier for a woman not to do it than a man. We have to do it. It's part of our lifestyle. It's like shaving.

That is such baloney. I shave my legs. - Not every day.

This is gonna be the easiest money I've ever made in my life.

He has got a great butt. - Yeah. Butt, butt. Great butt. John-John's butt.

John F. Kennedy Jr. - What? - He was in my aerobics class.

He was working out in front of me. After the class was over, I timed my walk to the door so we'd get there at the exact same moment.

And he says to me, 'Quite a workout.' - 'Quite a workout'? - What did you say? - I said, 'Yeah.' - Good one.

But this is John F. Kennedy Jr. we're talking about. So he says, 'Where do you live?' I was close to your block, so I said your building.

Oh, God. The question is... are you still master of your domain? - I'm queen of the castle.

He wanted to know your situation. - I have a situation? - I said you were single. - That was good. That was very good. - He said you were his type.

Okay. You're trying to hurt me? You're trying to injure me?

What happened? - It was... John-John. - John-John. - John-John.

What? He's out there? - Oh, my God. I gotta go. - No, no, he just left. - What? - He was talking to Marla. - Marla? She was, like, crying. He was consoling her. She got into his car, and they just drove away.

He left with Marla, the virgin? - Yeah. - They drove away? - Yeah, drove away. - You know, I said hello to him. He's- - Oh, my God in heaven.

My hand is stuck...My hand! My hand!...Don't... Jer... All right, fine.

And it smells like a cheap hooker. Or is that you? Give me 10 bucks and find out.

The plane crashes, everybody in first class is gonna die anyway. Yeah, I'm sure you'll live.

I never check my bags. Can't stand that waiting in the baggage area. Great.

Help me.

He's sleeping, and I have to go to the bathroom. Maybe he'll wake up soon. What if my kidneys burst? Is it worth it not to wake this man up to damage a major organ?

I hope this disgusting slob appreciates what I'm doing for him.

Wake up, you human slug. Wake up! Wake up! I can't hold it anymore.

You're not supposed to get up during the food service. Well, nobody told me that. Look. This plane is full. I got a lot of people to serve. Now, please. You're just gonna have to wait.

Are you sure? Yes, I'm sure. I would know if a tray of food had been served to me. Would you?

No. Please don't send me back there. I'll do anything. It's so nice up here. It's so comfortable up here. I don't wanna go back there. Please, don't send me back there.

You know, our goal should be a society without classes.

Do you realize the people up here are getting cookies?!

My darling Susan. / My darling! / What are you doing? / Date with Fred. / The religious guy? / He's not that religious. / Let us pray.

Yeah. That's my new nickname at the office. Nip!

You want a Christmas card? You want a Christmas card? All right, here. Here's your Christmas card.

Hey, Nip, you need that manuscript, or can I take it home? / Yeah, take it. Take it. And stop calling me Nip!

For I have seen the nipple on your soul!

Excuse me. Do you have a ticket? No. Okay. Good.

Ponce de León? Are you kidding me? I hated that movie.

I once had the fleece ripped out of my winter coat in a seat-saving incident.

When I asked you before if you had a ticket, you said no. I didn't. My friend was getting it. That's good. It's good to be accurate.

Men can sit through the most pointless, boring movie if there's the slightest possibility that a woman will take her top off.

What, is that a rule? Are these your things? Yeah.

No, taken! Taken, taken. I'm getting the hang of it.

Oh, take them.

Give me a break! Elaine? Jerry. Elaine. Shut up. Jerry? George? Elaine? George.

You took my seat? You owe me $7.50. Yeah. Right. What is this stain? It's yellow mustard. Can you break a 20?

Do you have a ticket? - No. - Okay. Good.

I once had the fleece ripped out of my winter coat...in a seat-saving incident.

It's not a theater. It's a room where they bring in POWs to show them propaganda films.

No, taken! Taken, taken. I'm getting the hang of it.

Give me a break! - Elaine? - Jerry. - Elaine. - Shut up. - Jerry? - George? - Elaine? - George.

But I didn't even use the ticket. - I still paid for it.

You took my seat? - You owe me $7.50. - Yeah. Right.

Over you? Well...

Oh, what are you gonna get Jerry for his birthday? I got him a great gift. Really? What? I got two tickets to see Guys and Dolls. Oh, that is a good gift. Maybe he'll take me. No, I'm gonna go with him.

I don't know. Did you ever get a good look at De Gaulle? Lyndon Johnson was uglier than De Gaulle. I got news for you. Golda Meir could make them all run up a tree.

Leave me alone. Get off my back about the jacket.

The Collected Works of Bette Midler. What? I... I thought you liked Bette Midler. She's all right. You said you liked her. Well, so what? Maybe I do like her. So what? So nothing.

I thought we were friends.

I got news for you. Golda Meir could make them all run up a tree.

Yeah, because I'm single, I'm thin, and I'm neat. - And you get along well with women. - I guess that leaves me in the clear.

So, what's up, diggety-dog?

In fact, it's very distinctive. You know? I mean, you wanna know something? I wish I had one.

I keep thinking that goiter's gonna start talking to me.

Oh, by the way, this woman almost has a second head.

They really should mention that in the breakdown. Height. Weight. Goiter.

How do you get fired from a volunteer job?

You know, they're fake.

You know how you always brag how you can spot a lesbian? I'm not bragging. I happen to have a very keen lesbian eye.

Can't go left.

No, we just play defense.

Good sweat. Beads of sweat. Sweating bullets.

She's got a rack on her chest.

Sometimes when I think you're the shallowest man I've ever met...you somehow manage to drain a little more out of the pool.

Oh, look who's here. Silicon Valley.

I touched them.

If it hadn't been for them, I could have really injured myself.

I've touched mine.

All right. Anyway, I think they're real, and if they are, they are spectacular.

He was a fat starving artist, you know? That's very rare.

What's with him? You know, a lot of people have asked that.

I hardly recognize you. You look so...

This is... You really lost weight.

I can't believe it. You were huge. Like blubber. I couldn't even get my arms around you.

Just my luck, you know? Just when he was getting thin and attractive.

Look at you. Look what you've become.

He'll like you more. - That's impossible.

Let's see. I ski, I fish... I pillage, I plunder. - You pillage and plunder? - When I travel.

I can think of at least six known offensive odors that I would rather smell than what's living in your car. - What about skunk? - I don't mind skunk. - Horse manure? - I love horse manure.

When you're with a guy and he tells you he has to get up early... what does that mean? - It means he's lying.

Jerry, I'm sure I've seen men on the street early in the morning. - Well, sometimes we do have to get up early... but a man will always trade sleep for sex.

Is it possible I'm not as attractive as I think I am? - Anything's possible.

But I showered, and I shampooed. So... - That's a relief. - Yeah. - What? - It's still there.

really good-looking women... walk a lot faster than everybody else... They're a blur. It's like they got a motor on their ass.

Don't like the Drake? - Hate the Drake. - I love the Drake. - How could you not like the Drake? - Who's the Drake?

Calling people I hardly know... and demanding they return expensive gifts? That's my thing?

She gave it to charity. - Charity? That's appalling. How could anybody be so selfish and inconsiderate.

I don't know why-- Why don't they just put pretzels out on the table? Or even peanuts would be good. But I don't know who eats these cheesy things.

He's that, um, 'Did you ever notice this? Did you ever notice that?' guy.

It's about nothing. / What do you mean it's about nothing? / Well, it's-- It's really-- It's very unusual. / For example, what did you do today? / Um...I got up, um, I went to work, then I came here. / There's a show. That's a show.

What was that look? / What look? / That look you just gave me. / I gave a look? Yes.

How do you know? I know. I can tell. It's one of my powers.

Well, you didn't know.

With me? You faked with me? You faked with me? No. You faked it? Yes. I faked it.

That whole thing, the whole production, it was all an act? Not bad, huh?

What about the breathing, the panting, the moaning, the screaming? Fake, fake, fake, fake.

Give me another shot. What? Another shot. I want another shot. You mean...? Yes.

All right, let's go. I'll give you half an hour. What? Come on. Are you serious? Look, Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship.

I don't get it. Me neither. - What is it? - I don't know. They're hands.

Oh, those are nice. You know, I never noticed this before. They're smooth. Creamy. Delicate yet masculine.

Why are you wearing this now? - Why am I wearing it now? I'll tell you why I'm wearing it now. Because the low-talker asked me to, that's why.

You can't come out dressed like that. You're all puffed up. You look like the Count of Monte Cristo.

You look like you're gonna swing in on a chandelier.

They're smooth. Creamy. Delicate yet masculine.

You look like the Count of Monte Cristo.

You look like you're gonna swing in on a chandelier.

Well, I'm sure you'll find something.

Ask your mother. You live with her now, don't you?

And he said, 'Gabardine?' And I said, 'Yeah.' That was it.

You're perfect. You're a perfect man.

Well, I was just curious why you didn't use an exclamation point.

Well, I mean, if one of your close friends had a baby and I left you a message about it, I would use an exclamation point.

Like, the way I'm talking now, I'd put exclamation points on the ends all of these sentences! On this one! And on that one!

Well, I felt that the writing lacked a certain emotion and intensity.

Well, you know how frustrating that can be when you keep putting quarters and quarters into a machine and nothing comes out.

Then the baby's head comes out, and I'm screaming. My brother, who's videotaping, turns green. His eyes roll up in his head, and he blacks out. He drops the camera, the camera breaks.

-And then a doctor says... -Hey, thanks. That's enough.

I pulled it in perfectly equidistant... from the car in front and behind. -Would you shut up, George?

A mohel? What the hell is a mohel?... Motels, models... How do you find a mohel?

Perhaps one day when the pig-men roam free, it will be stopped, Kramer. Until then, off with their heads.

Don't they have friends? They're level-jumping on our friendship. Yes, it is level-jumping.

You really do the worst Godfather I've ever heard. You're not even close.

Twenty-five? You don't have anything higher? What, are you on Mercury? I need higher.

This has PABA in it. I need PABA-free. You got a problem with PABA? I have a problem with PABA.

You don't even know what PABA is. I know enough to stay away from it.

Why does everything have to have a social component?

See, the stagecoach. Now, that would've been a good situation for me. I'm in the coach, and the driver's way up there on the stage.

I'm gonna have to be honest with you. I'm going deaf. Going deaf? What?

Hey, what about a hearing aid? Am I fearing AIDS? Oh, yeah, sure. Who isn't? But, you know, you gotta live your life.

749 Bleeker. The party's Hanks. Tom Hanks. Tom Hanks? After me, you're picking up Tom Hanks? I love him.

When I shoo squirrels away, I always say, 'Get out of here.' I never, ever throw things at them and try to injure them... like other people.

And when I see freaks in the street, I never, ever stare at them. And yet I'm careful not to look away. See, because I wanna make the freaks feel comfortable.

He was at the snack bar eating a hot fudge sundae. He had it all over his face. He's wearing that chocolate on his face like a beard.

He's the loser. She's the victor. To the victor belong the spoils.

It's a heavy metal group, Metalli-something. Ca. What? Ca.

They put real blueberries in this. What kind did you get? Coffee. They grind up the coffee beans and put it in!

If you wanna taste mine, you don't have to offer me some of yours.

This is so f*****g good! Jerry! Oh, I'm sorry.

Boy, he is really cute. He's a jerk. He's gone, George.

I was having lunch and I bit down on the fork. It's hard to believe with so much biting experience... a person could still make a mistake like that.

I'll tell you something else... you're looking a little chunky yourself. Me? Yeah.

Oh, my God! I've gained 7 pounds! I've gained 8! I told you.

Maybe it's the Oreos. I don't eat Oreos. You don't eat Oreos? The way you break them open... You're practically having sex with them.

What about me? You? You're getting old.

Maybe your yogurt isn't so nonfat. Oh, guess again, tubby.

What if we get married? We'll always have that between us. Already you're marrying this guy?

One of my campaign themes would be... that everybody should wear nametags to make the city friendlier. Nametags, huh? Everybody would know everybody. It would be like a small town.

Then we went to his apartment, and I sat on one of his chairs... and it broke. And he says, 'Boy, you're a lot of woman.'

Look at him! He's grotesque! Ya think? Do I think? He's repugnant.

Get out! Not since June 29, 1980. You remember the date? Yes. Because my previous vomit was also June 29, 1972.

he's a good shaver and he hasn't thrown up in eight years.

Ask him to change it. You can't ask a person to change their name. Why not? Would you change yours? If someone asked me nicely.

What a cool name, Deion. If I were going to change my name, I'd go with Deion. Deion Benes? Well, as a woman, it makes no sense.

O.J.! O.J. Rifkin! Oh! You don't even use a name, it's just initials. Oh, please, please, change your name to O.J. It would be so great!

You're very normal. You're totally normal. Who's this? That's my mother. Oh, yeah. I see the resemblance. No, there's no resemblance. Yeah, there is, right here, you see-- Elaine, I was adopted.

I have never met a normal guy named Stuart.

In college, I sat next to an Alex in art history. And he was always drinking coffee, and after every sip, he would go, 'Ahh!' I mean, every two seconds, 'Ahh!' And he would take, like, 40 sips, and after every one, 'Ahh!' I had to drop the class.

Ned's a guy who buys irregular underwear.

Little Stuart Rifkin likes to go shopping with his mother.

Winona's gonna be there? Yeah. And she broke up with the vitamin guy.

Bluffed you out, jack. Pair of deuces.

Are you out of your mind? It's kitschy. Winona is a Native American.

That's Al Roker. They're both chubby weathermen.

Kramer, it is such a dumb idea. I'd be totally embarrassed... I would be embarrassed to bring it up.

I've been assigned to work on Kramer's coffee-table book.

Well, I guess your boyfriend's gonna have to catch the next train. He's not my boyfriend. He's not? Interesting.

As a kid, while kids were out playing, I'd be in my room practicing kissing.

I was not snooping. I did not break the seal. There was no breaking and entering. I wouldn't do that. I always open medicine cabinets.

But that's what podiatrists do. They deal in fungus. They're knee-deep in fungus. This guy knows fungus.

No, no. I'm just saying, you didn't really go to medical school. You went to podiatry school...which I'm sure is very grueling in its own way.

This is kind of embarrassing but there's no toilet paper over here.

Well, I don't need much. Just three squares will do it.

Well, is it two-ply? Because if it's two-ply, I'll take one ply.

One ply. One puny little ply. I'll take one measly ply!

No, no, don't go! I beg you!

I mean, a person needs a certain amount of toilet paper to be covered.

Three squares! That's all I was asking for. Three squares!

'Please, please!' She was insane.

Because I will never forget that flinty voice. It is tattooed in my brain.

Then we'll get a cab and we'll do it in the back seat.

Don't wanna keep Tony waiting.

I would be going out with him no matter what he looked like.

Did you say 'flinty'?

His face? Did something happen to his face?

Did they get into stuff like long, jagged scars, gross deformities, major skin grafts?

Do you recall the words 'radical reconstructive surgery' being uttered?

I lied.

But he's my mimbo. And even if he is a hideous freak, maybe I can learn to love him.

And maybe in some final irony, I'll learn what love really is.

I can't spare a square.

I was just thinking, the four of us can't show up... with just one bottle of wine. Oh, here we go. What? Why don't we get them a couch.

You know, I often wonder what you'll be like when you're senile.

I'm looking forward to it. Yeah. It'll be a very smooth transition.

But listen. Elaine, when we get up to the door... you hold the cake box. Why? I don't know. Just standing there with a box, holding it by the little string...

You think it's effeminate? It's a tad dainty.

See, that's not fair. We were here ahead of all these people. You think I should go and ask her for hers?

Visual: Awkward recognition scene between Elaine and Barbara Benedict

Well, this is a little awkward, isn't it? Yes, it is.

That's the last babka. They got the last babka. I know. They're going in first with the last babka. That was our babka. You can't beat babka.

Well, how about a carrot cake? Carrot cake? Why is that a cake? You don't make carrots into a cake, I'm sorry.

Black Forest? Black Forest? Too scary. You're in the forest.

Hey, how about a napoleon? Napoleon? Who's he to have a cake? He was a ruthless warmonger. Might as well get a Mengele.

Well, we gotta get the cinnamon. Yeah, but they got the chocolate. We'll be going in with lesser babka.

I beg your pardon. Cinnamon takes a back seat to no babka.

People love it. It should be on tables in restaurants with salt and pepper. Someone says, 'This is so good. What's in this?' The answer comes back, 'Cinnamon, cinnamon,' again and again.

Lesser babka? I think not.

I'll have a cinnamon babka. And a black-and-white cookie for me. Peace.

Well, your views on race relations are just fascinating. You really should do an op-ed piece for The Times.

A little hair? Do you think that makes it better? What if it's your hair? What if it's your hair?

What is wrong with my hair? Nobody takes better care of their hair than me. You can serve dinner on my head.

Because I had a bad experience with a hair when I was younger. What happened? I'd rather not talk about it.

I once found a hair in my farina, and I freaked out. You found a hair in your farina? Yeah. What happened?

Whose hair was it? My mother's.

Wait till I get my hands on that George. I am gonna pull that big hood over his little head... tie the strings... and suffocate him.

I often wonder what you'll be like when you're senile. I'm looking forward to it. Yeah, it'll be a very smooth transition.

You think it's effeminate? It's a tad dainty.

Cinnamon takes a back seat to no babka. People love it. It should be on tables in restaurants with salt and pepper.

If people would only look to the cookie, all our problems would be solved. Your views on race relations are just fascinating. You really should do an op-ed piece for The Times.

What is this? It's a hair. You sold us a cake with a hair on it. You have to take a number.

You use that misty herbal rainwater crap they sell in the health food store. I use Prell, the hard stuff. Hundred proof, takes your roots out.

I really cannot comprehend how stupid people can be sometimes. Can you comprehend it? We can put a man on the moon, but we're still basically very stupid.

The guy whose car this is could be the guy that built the rocket. He could build the rocket. He's still stupid for double-parking.

I never broke up with anyone for not tasting pie. I once broke up with someone for not offering me pie.

He could be eating a hero... he wouldn't offer me anything. It's a sickness.

I never heard of that happening to a woman. What the hell does that mean?

Did you just roll your eyes at him? If anybody should be rolling their eyes... it is me at him about you.

What are you saying, that I'm not good enough for this hideous dress?

I wouldn't be caught dead... wearing your crummy little Eurotrash rags.

He felt my face for a really long time... to see what I looked like. He almost put his finger up my nose.

Because you have an attitude.

That's my ass in your window.

I just got a letter from a friend of mine in Chicago... who was shopping, and she saw a mannequin that looked just like me.

So how are the eggs? Eggs are eggs.

Al Nechy called me today. He told me not to get involved with you. He said you could never make a commitment... and you'd just wind up hurting me.

You really are beautiful, Elaine. Well... - Good night. - Good night?

He took it out. He what? He took... it out.

You were involved in some sort of amorous... No. - You mean, he just...? - Yes. - Are you sure? - Oh, quite.

So you were talking, you're having a pleasant conversation... and then all of a sudden... - Yeah. - It. - It. - Out. - Out.

He took it out. Well, maybe it needed some air. You know, sometimes they need air. They can't breathe in there. It's inhuman.

Good morning. -Good morning. -How did you sleep? -You're on the couch tonight.

You were all over my side. -I was not. I was sleeping with one cheek off the bed.

By the way, you're falling way behind on the 'I love you's.' -No, no, 12-8. -No, it's 15-8.

Cashmere? -No, Gore-Tex.

Come on, you know I'm getting pancakes. -I don't know that. -We can't both get pancakes. It's embarrassing. That's one step from the couples that dress alike.

I'll get the short stack. -That's why I love you. 15-9.

All right. I guess I get it too, because I'm his wife.

The money my wife... -I'm taking him to the cleaners. See her sense of humor?

The syrup. Would you pass the syrup? Oh, you want to try the syrup.

My wife and I will have a little more coffee. -Okay. -And the check for my husband.

To my beautiful wife. To my adoring husband. -Adoring? What about handsome? -I like adoring. Yeah, sure. Adoring's good for you. What's it do for me?

Hey, Elaine. What do you say, if neither of us is married in 10 years... we get hitched? -Let's make it 50. We're engaged.

This guy gave me... an open-lip kiss. -So? -So? We've always just kind of pecked. This one had a different dynamic.

His upper lip landed flush on my upper lip... but his lower lip landed well below my rim. -Moisture? -Yeah. Definite moisture.

That's an open-lip kiss, all right. -Yeah. I think he's giving me a big signal. Maybe he wants to change our relationship.

Why are you interested? He's a jerk. Because he doesn't pay any attention to me, and he ignores me. -Yeah, so? -I respect that.

Do you go in the shower? -No, never. -Do you? -I take baths.

I must have been in the incinerator room when you left.

You know where I can get some good olives? -I can find out. -Would you? Sure. Oh, a project. That's a definite signal.

By the way, you look really great in that leotard. Thanks. That's no signal. Who wouldn't like me in this leotard? I look amazing in this leotard.

It's weird. I think I had a dream about you last night. Okay, he open-lips me, he dreams about me... we have an olive project, that's it. I'm asking this guy out.

Oh, my God. -I'm sorry. What were you saying? -It was nothing. Forget it.

See that guy right there? -Yeah. You mean him? -Yeah. I caught him urinating in the shower. I'm thinking about turning him in too.

Honey, could you get me something to drink? -You're right there. -Come on, I'm sitting.

Honey, what did you do with the can opener? -I didn't do anything with it. -It's not here. It was here yesterday. -It's in the first drawer. -I'm looking in the first drawer.

Hey, I'm not stupid. I'm looking in that drawer. There's no can opener. -Did I say you were stupid? -Well, wouldn't I have to be? You tell me there's a can opener in the drawer... I'm looking, there's no can opener. What other conclusion could one reach?

A discount on dry cleaning? Could you make a little more noise? I'll have to call you later. Well, I give up. Well, whoopee-woo.

I'm sorry about all that can opener stuff. Yeah. Me too. -I love you. -I love you. -Well, good night. -Good night.

But then he wiped his hand on the top of the bottle... when I offered him water. That doesn't mean anything. Are you kidding? That's very significant. If he was interested in me, he'd want my germs. He'd just crave my germs.

She's right, George. Bottle-wipe is big. What about the open-lip kiss? Bottle-wipe supersedes it.

Could it be because you don't want him to know... that your friend pees in the shower? -That's not it. -I think it is. -That's exactly what it is.

What happened? Did he bring it up? Never mind that. Look at the signal I just got. Signal? What signal? He knew I'd use it next. He didn't wipe his sweat off. That's a gesture of intimacy.

I'll tell you what that is. That's a violation of club rules. -Now I got him. You're my witness.

He knew what he was doing. This was a signal. -A guy leaves sweat, that's a signal? -Yes. It's a social thing. If he left a used Kleenex, what's that, a valentine?

You tell him if he's thinking of turning me in... that I got the goods on him. -No. I won't be a party to this. So you're gonna let me get suspended for shower urination?

No, Jerry, please. I'm not gonna let you walk out of my life. I can't fight you. Do you want box or hanger? You decide.

Good. I think I'm gonna talk to her about that guy. We can't have people like that here. -Are you sure you wanna do that? -Yeah. He's disgusting. Besides, I'll take any chance I can to talk to her. -You're interested in her? -Very.

You know, I'm engaged. Yep, I'm getting married in 50 years.

You know, Greg, I wouldn't do that if I were you. -Why? -Well, correct me if I'm wrong... but isn't it a violation of club policy... to not wipe down a machine after using it?

Oh, I see. You're friends with the urinator, aren't you? Yeah, well... at least he had a drain.

You son of a bitch. -I'm sorry. -Who is she? -It doesn't matter. I want a divorce.

A divorce? So you can marry her and give her the discount? Yes, that's right.

What happened to us, Jerry? -I'll tell you what happened. We got married.

I'm sorry. This is my fault. I pushed it on you. No. I guess I just wasn't ready for the responsibilities... of a pretend marriage.

I forgot. This is your maple syrup. It's all right, I want you to have it. Okay, thanks.

Well, I didn't actually get to see the whole movie. Yeah, why not? I was kind of making out.

You were making out during Schindler's List?

Did you ever notice he stood too close to you when he talked? No, I hadn't noticed.

You didn't feel uncomfortable spending the whole day at the museum with two complete strangers who are more than twice your age? No. It was fun. You had fun with Mr. and Mrs. Seinfeld? Yeah. They bought me a Coke.

You were making out during Schindler's List? I couldn't help it. We hadn't been alone in a long time. It got the better of me.

Isn't he gorgeous? Oh, he's... Eww... Is he gorgeous?

It was like a Pekinese.

It's a must-lie situation.

Breathtaking? I'm breathtaking?

Nobody ever called me 'breathtaking' before. I've never been called 'breathtaking' either.

If he thinks that that baby is breathtaking, then who's not breathtaking?

Do women know about shrinkage? What do you mean, like laundry?

Like a frightened turtle.

I don't know how you guys walk around with those things.

Good morning. Hey. Morning. Morning. Kramer.

I mean, of course, I deserve it.

I don't fool around, baby.

Because I got popcorn too. I ate that first.

I didn't know who he was. That's why there's a buzzer.

I put Canadian quarters... in the washing machine.

Was that the opposite of what you were going to say... or was that just your natural instinct?

Mr. Lippman. You forgot your handkerchief. It's on my desk.

I must've had eight in my mouth. I couldn't talk. I couldn't talk.

I'm George. I'm George.

You can't have a little grace. You either have grace or you don't.

I have no chance, do I? - No.

And your last name? - It's just Elaine. Like Cher.

I think he got ideas. - I wonder if any woman ever said that about Einstein.

What's in the big salad? - Big lettuce, big carrots. Tomatoes like volleyballs.

Well, then how about going out with me? - Okay.

You know, if it was a regular salad, I wouldn't have said anything. But you had to have the big salad!

The guy with the really high voice

Mr. Pitt eats his Snickers bars with a knife and fork.

Well, he does raise his voice occasionally, but that's normal. No. No, no. Not a loud talker... a high talker.

You don't think his voice sounds a lot like yours?

Listen, Jerry doesn't wanna talk to you. Nobody wants to talk to you, so why don't you just drop dead.

You told Nana to drop dead. It's possible. Yes, it is.

Isn't this little bunny giving you the...? Yes, he is.

A long-talker. Yeah. He is so boring. Now whenever he answers the phone, I just hang up.

Hey, isn't that George's father? Oh, yeah, it is. Should we say hello? I've never seen him in Manhattan before. It's weird. It's so out of context.

That man he's with... is he wearing a cape? I believe he is wearing a cape.

Why is Mr. Costanza with a man in a cape? Well, it is good cape weather. Cool, breezy. Why a cape? Who wears a cape? Where do you even get a cape?

In fact, let's cross to the other side of the street. Cover me.

Should've talked. I love Chinese women. Isn't that a little racist? If I like their race, how can that be racist?

She's Chinese, so you suggest Chinese food? She suggested it. I thought Chinese don't eat Chinese. She's very assimilated.

Yeah, I'm calling from a car phone, so I don't really have time to talk. Well, yes, it has been unseasonably cool lately. Yeah, I tip 20 percent too.

Lookit, Paul, the car seems to be running out of gas so I'm gonna have to get off the phone.

She's not Chinese? No, not Chinese. Not even Asian. So, what is she? Well, she's like you. Oh, how disappointed you must have been.

If they get divorced and live in two separate places, that's twice as many visits. I never thought of that. Imagine if I had to see them both on the same day. It's like running a double marathon.

Oh, no. What? What? Don't you see what's going on here? No boxers, no Jockeys. The only thing between him and us is a thin layer of gabardine.

Well... I don't know about sick. I mean, maybe it was somebody who didn't wanna talk to whoever was answering because whoever was answering was always making boring chit-chat and was completely oblivious to the fact that the person who was calling didn't wanna speak to them.

What are you doing to this woman? This is the second relationship you've ruined for her in a few weeks. I know. First you ruin her relationship with the high-talker. Well, I got confused. They sound exactly the same.

First, you encouraged her to join the army. She did. She was lost. Then you suggest she goes AWOL. She did. Well, she didn't seem to be having so much fun.

What, am I too boring for you? Would you just put her on? I feel it would be best that you didn't talk to Noreen for a while. You feel? That's right.

From now on, I'll be calling the shots. And what are you gonna tell her? Well, I've encouraged her to go back into the army. There she'll get the structure and discipline she needs right now.

Everybody listens to the Chinese. Look at the fortune cookie. You couldn't get away with that at other restaurants. Yeah, no one's reading any rolled up messages in a knish.

What do you think, Lainey? Well, I don't know. I'll have to sit on it. Oh, no, I don't want anyone sitting on it.

Did you offer those guys a drink? No. Should I have? - What kind of a person are you? - I don't know.

Do you date moving men? You wanna know what I said? I can't wait. I do now.

Well, they're real men, Jerry. They get sweaty. So anyone sweaty in your house has to be offered a drink? Yes.

The owner contributes money...to those fanatical anti-abortion groups. So you won't eat the pizza? No way.

Well, Poppie, I think differently. And what gives you the right to do that? The Supreme Court gives me the right to do that!

Do you know I've been using the same bottle of shampoo for a year? And I shampoo every day. So, what do you think of my conversation? Not much.

You don't have any furniture? No, I hate furniture. I can't look at it. Oh, I can understand that.

A pretty good date, huh? Yeah, no heavy lifting.

I'm in love! This is it, Jerry! This is it!

Well, I'm sure he's pro-choice. How do you know? Because he...Well...He's just so good-looking.

She got impregnated by her troglodytic half-brother...and decided to have an abortion.

All I've got is grape juice. Throw it.

The couch!

The stock swap. Let's swap some stock.

Moland? I wouldn't drink anything called Moland. But it was Mr. Pitt's idea.

No! You don't see it, and you're never gonna see it!

He's a dentist. You don't wanna go out with a dentist. - Why? - He'll always be criticising your brushing technique. It'll drive you crazy. Away from the gums.

Did he say, 'Why would Jerry bring anything?' Or, 'Why would Jerry bring anything?' Did he emphasise 'Jerry' or 'bring'?... I think he emphasised 'would.'

Yeah. What is he, some sort of an instigator? That's right. He's a troublemaker.

Listen, Elaine, I've been wanting to ask you... would you like to go out with me New Year's Eve? Thanks. What? What?

No. I'm still working on it.

I think he emphasized 'would.'

He finds his laugh intoxicating.

Yeah. What is he, some sort of an instigator? That's right. He's a troublemaker.

What? I can't hear you! Where's Tim? What's that, the Empire State Building? What? I can't hear a word.

Really? Grace? / Yes.

Oh, Bruline. Newman's got the same one. / Newman plays tennis? / He's fantastic.

Elaine, of course I'm concerned. I'm paying for those meals. It's like throwing money down the toilet. / In a manner of speaking.

There are plenty of things you can do. There's chess... and mahjong.

Cosmo. / Cosmo? / Cosmo? / Cosmo. / Cosmo?

No. I'm okay. / Then what are you doing... with that racket? / It's mine. / Ms. Landis borrowed it.

All right, all right. Forget it. But you don't have to mention any of this... to Miss Landis, do you? / I don't have to, but I will.

He's a re-gifter.

Well, if you repeat the name of the gift, you can't possibly like it. Like when someone opens something and goes: 'Oh, tube socks.'

Well, if he can re-gift, why can't you de-gift?

You mean just because I asked him to go upstairs he thinks he's going downtown?

That's like me buying a wheelchair to cruise around in. / Yeah, I've considered that.

I never said hi. When did I say hi? / - I never heard her say hi.

I had the upper hand in the post-breakup relationship. It's like a game of tag.

You still like me, don't you? / Correct. What?

I didn't say hi. / You didn't? / No, I told him to send you my regards. I didn't say hi. / Regards?

See? You're not the only one who has them. I have them too. / Where did you get those? / Malaysia. I was in the area.

Maybe the dingo ate your baby.

I'll go if I don't have to talk. Then we'll just sit there.

He is so powerful. He can lift 100 pounds right up over his head.

Do you want to get it out? Or do you want to not be able to get it out? I'd like to be able to get it out. I think you'll get it out.

Well, I'd watch the third-base coach if I were you... because I don't think he's waving you in.

War... What Is It Good For?

That whole thing, the whole production, it was all an act? Not bad, huh?

Salmon's the opposite of tuna because salmon swim against the current, and the tuna swim with it. Good for the tuna.

Like a frightened turtle.

Look at you. Why don't you use a fork? You're no good with the sticks. I know. I need a lesson. You stink. You know you stink.

Hey, have you ever been to the ballet? No, but I've seen people on tiptoes.

Is George still wearing that toupee? Yeah. Doesn't he know how ridiculous he looks in that thing? I think he looks fantastic. Oh, come on. No. I never realized what an attractive man he is. Oh, he's a real looker, that one.

He's not gonna suddenly switch sides. Forget about it. Why? Is it irrevocable? Because when you join that team, it's not a whim. He likes his team. He's set with that team. But we've got a good team. Yeah, we do. We do have a good team. Well, why can't he play for us?

You realize your venturing into uncharted waters. I realize that. Are you that desperate? Yes, I am.

Elaine grabbing George's toupee and the ensuing physical struggle

Would you like to come... upstairs? Upstairs? Yeah. Upstairs?

But I'm a starting shortstop. Robert... we need a shortstop. Real bad.

I did it! What? I turned him. He defected. Get out. How? How did you do that? 'Cause I'm a woman.

You've given hope to every woman who's ever said 'too bad he's gay.' Well, it's a lesson for the kids out there. Anything is possible.

The perfect man. Nothing but sex and shopping.

Being a woman... I only really have access to the... equipment... What, 30, 45 minutes a week? And that's on a good week. How can I be expected to have the same expertise as people who own this equipment... and have access to it 24 hours a day... their entire lives?

Look at you. Why don't you use a fork. You're no good with the sticks.

I know. I need a lesson. You stink. You know you stink. What is this?

Have you ever been to the ballet? No, but I've seen people on tiptoes.

You know, I'm going as a beard. - A beard?

This friend of a friend knows this banker guy. He's 30-ish, unbelievably gorgeous. - Of course he's gay.

Yeah? - Get it on with your bad self.

Doesn't he know how ridiculous... he looks in that thing? - I think he looks fantastic. Oh, come on. I never realized what an attractive man he is. Oh, he's a real looker, that one.

You and Robert? - Yep. - Really? - Yes, indeedy.

Well, believe me. This didn't happen overnight. Robert is not exactly a one-woman man, if you know what I mean. No, sirree, Bob.

Sure, I mean, in a lot of ways he's a typical guy. He likes his sports. But he counters that side with the side you see here tonight at the ballet... or the pleasure he gets watching Liza Minnelli... belt out a few choice numbers.

Don't tell me.... You like him? He's incredible.

You think you can get him to change teams? He's not gonna suddenly switch sides. Forget about it. Why? Is it irrevocable?

But we've got a good team. - Yeah, we do. We do have a good team. Well, why can't he play for us?

You realize you're venturing into uncharted waters? I realize that. Are you that desperate? Yes, I am.

Elaine... I was hoping, you know... you might be interested in changing teams.

But I'm a starting shortstop. Robert, we need a shortstop. Real bad.

Hey. I did it. - What? - I turned him. He defected.

Well, it's a lesson for the kids out there. Anything is possible.

Nothing but sex and shopping.

Being a woman... I only really have access to the... equipment... what, 30, 45 minutes a week? And that's on a good week. How can I be expected to have the same expertise... as people who own this equipment... and have access to it 24 hours a day, their entire lives?

I'm down to one kiss hello. My aunt Celia.

That's fortunate. I really admire that. ... Really? I never heard you say you admired me for anything.

No, I told you I admire your hearing. Oh, don't slough that off. You have great hearing.

If you tell him to do it, he'll never do it. What you have to do is introduce him, and then he'll just come out with it.

I mean, if you could, say, touch a breast as part of the kiss hello... then I think I could see the value in it a little better. How about an intercourse hello? How would that be?

Elaine? ... No, I'm just thinking about the question.

But then the night doorman comes on. He's much scarier.

A party? Oh, no, that was just my stupid friend, Jerry.

Believe me, we're not entertained. We're just leaving.

He claims that you followed him home and started harassing him.

What is wrong with George? He's trying to get something off his chest.

You came to pick me up. I came to pick you up. Yeah, that's what I said. No, I was just... No, I know. It's not helping.

Well, the doorman certainly has a wild imagination, doesn't he?

He thought of everything. He was setting me up from day one. Is it possible we were victims of a sting?

So you didn't even want the couch? No, I was just messing with his head. And they think they're better than us.

It's you. It's you. I gotta sit down. No, Poppie, no! No, Poppie!

Elaine once tried to convert one... but Elaine's not gonna go through that again.

Elaine got a new dress.

Find out if she likes you? What, are you in high school?

No, I mean, do you like him or do you 'like him' like him?

Hey, I found out from Paula, she likes George. I bet he'll be relieved. When he's dead, he'll be relieved.

In fact, she said looks weren't that important. You see... What?

That's what led to Billy Mumphrey's downfall.

Billy was a simple country boy... you might say a cockeyed optimist... who got himself mixed up in the high-stakes game... of world diplomacy and international intrigue.

All those mechanics do is work all day with their hands... and their big muscular arms... on machines, and then they come home... dripping with animal sexuality like Stanley Kowalski.

So what if they have a lobster? Suddenly you're a shellfish connoisseur?

How do you feel? Fine. Something the matter? No. Then what is it? No, nothing.

Jerry, there is no confusing that move with any other move.

We were in the garage. You know how garages are. They're conducive to sex talk. It's a high-testosterone area.

He doesn't even do it exactly the same. He uses a pinch at the end instead of the swirl.

You know, it's strange, because he's such an honest mechanic.

Oh, God. Oh, God, Dave! Oh, yes, yes. I'm sorry. What? I can't do the move. What? He's ruined it for me.

It's like big-budget movie with a story that goes nowhere.

I will not stand by and allow him to perform this move on me... while a perfectly good move is just sitting in the barn doing nothing.

Yes. Yes, as a matter of fact there is. I think that's mine.

I just amended my will to include you as a beneficiary.

We don't want anything to happen to you, Mr. Pitt. We want you to live a long, long time.

Well, he gave me the morning off. I was doing a little shopping.

Your friend caused the delay? -You're a cheat. -Nobody hustles Earl Haffler.

Jerry Seinfeld tried to poison you? What? What? Mr. Pitt, what are you, delirious?

I didn't have change for the bus. Nobody will give you change. So they threw me off the bus.

Because this woman came in with a dog... and Ruby calls the dog the same word they were saying... when they were pointing at me.

That's my coat. You mean--? Yes. I'm J. Peterman.

You're gonna rub out the dog?

This is the dog? But it's so small. Yeah, but he's a fighter.

Get out!

The dog problem has been solved... there's this rabbi in my building

Oh, what, you think I wanna marry George?

I could care less. I hope it is on our record. I'm just sorry they didn't lock me up.

very often we cannot see the forest for the trees... Yeah, I don't know what that means.

it should've been me. You know? I'm smart. I'm attractive.

But he's a rabbi. How can a rabbi have such a big mouth? That's what's so fascinating.

Well, this morning I happened to find myself in the elevator with him... Oh, my God, you didn't.

I have seen the changes in you the past couple of years. Man, you have grown. You've matured... Well, I guess I'm getting older.

Jinx. Buy me a Coke.

I'm lying in bed, I'm wearing my nightie...

You're going out on a deaf date.

What percentage of people are good-looking? Twenty-five percent. Twenty-five percent? No way. It's like 4 to 6 percent. It's a 20-1 shot.

So basically what you're saying is, 95 percent of the population is undateable? Undateable!

Then how are all these people getting together? Alcohol.

God forbid I should borrow one from Holly. It might have belonged to Grandma Mema. Thanks for mutton.

You spit it out... I was almost mauled because of that mutton!

Reversed positions? Yeah. Head-to-toe. So what? Your genitals are still lined up.

Yeah, you do. He looks busy. He looks very busy.

Yeah, he's Trinidadian and Tobagan.

What responsibility? I don't have any responsibility. / Well, you gotta wake him up. / He'll get up.

And the guy just took off. / Don't say anything. / Who am I gonna tell? / I know, it's just something you have to say.

He doesn't have any running water? / I don't ask those kind of questions anymore.

Catalogue-writer's block? / Yeah, that's funny.

Flight to Cleveland? / It works. / Elaine. / It works.

I set this thing for 20 seconds. This was for two minutes, see? / Don't say anything.

I'm exhausted. I've been on this street 1000 times. It's never looked so strange. The faces, so cold.

In the distance, a child is crying. Fatherless. A bastard child, perhaps.

Thank God I took off my heels and put on my... Himalayan walking shoes!

I didn't get any bread. - Just forget it. Let it go.

Bread, $2.00 extra. Two dollars? But everyone in front of me got free bread. - You want bread? - Yes, please. Three dollars! - What? - No soup for you!

Can't you just make an exception? Please? I've got a nice face.

I gave you a taste. What do you want? - Why can't we share? - I told you not to say anything. You can't go in there, flout the rules, and then think I'm gonna share.

This is what comes from living under a Nazi regime.

Well, a hot bowl of mulagatani would hit the spot. - Mulagatani? - Yeah, it's an Indian soup. Simmered to perfection by one of the great soup artisans in the modern era.

Let me ask you something. Is it just me, or do you find it unbearable to be around Jerry and that girl? - Oh, I know. It's awful.

What is that there? Is that lima bean? - Yes. - Never been a big fan.

Has anyone ever told you you look exactly like Al Pacino? You know, Scent of a Woman.

You know something? No soup for you! - What? - Come back, one year! Next!

Street toughs took my armoire? Yeah, it was very frightening. My life was in danger. You should've seen the way they talked to me.

The Soap Nazi gave it to you? Why? Well, I told him the whole story, and he just let me have it.

'Five cups chopped porcini mushrooms, half a cup of olive oil, three pounds celery.' That is my recipe for wild mushroom.

You're through, Soup Nazi. Pack it up. No more soup for you. Next!

Did you hear that? He said, 'Nice to meet you.' So? So we've met before. At Katie Ash's party. We talked for, like, 10 minutes.

I talked about how my uncle worked...in the book depository building with Lee Harvey Oswald. Not ringing a bell. When my uncle said to him, 'The president's been shot'...Oswald winked at him and said, 'I'm gonna go catch a movie.'

None that I can...remember.

You're attracted to him because he can't remember you. I am? But that's so sick. That's God's plan. He doesn't really want anyone to get together.

I'm speaking at a woman's rights conference. Yes, and I'm speaking at a men's conference.

What am I doing? I'm on a date with this guy because he didn't remember me? He's demented. Listen to him.

'The Rogue's Wallet. It's where he kept his card, his dirty little secret. Short, devious, balding...his name was Costanza. He killed my mother.'

George fights dirty. Pull hair, poke eyes, groin stuff. Whatever I gotta do.

That's what you think girls do, isn't it? Yes, I do.

Bye-bye, Jerry.

Kramer, is that you?

What time does Chow Fun start? I don't know.

Come on. Aren't you gonna join us? You know, I'm supposed to meet... someone. I'll wait for him outside.

Haven't been in the lab yet.

I'm gonna do a hard target search of every drug store, general store...health store, grocery store in a 25 block radius

Sixty? Just give me the whole case, I'll be on my way.

I'm sure you'll have another fight, George.

I just couldn't decide if he was really spongeworthy.

I wish I could help you, but I can't afford two of them.

That's around the same time I broke up with Lloyd. You don't think that I had anything to do with his breakdown, do you?

I remember, when we parted company, I was babbling incoherently for months. Yeah, well, I've got news for you. While I was growing up all I heard from my mother was; 'Why can't you be more like that Lloyd Braun?' And in the end, Lloyd Braun became more like you.

Oh, well, actually, Lloyd, Jerry and I have to sit in the front row because-- Because he forgot his glasses.

I'm sorry, but I didn't want Lloyd thinking I was leading him on again. Seeing him made me feel very uncomfortable. No, you don't want to be uncomfortable.

-Poor Lloyd. -I know. Completely bonkers. I'm sorry I can't be so flip about this kind of thing. You know, after what happened to Pop.

Kramer, you know, there isn't a light in the ladies room. Yeah, it's being repaired. Oh, God. -You all right? -I sat too close to the screen.

-Hey. -Well, if it isn't Chesty Larue. -What?

Oh, God. I lost a button, so my blouse was wide open. I must've left it at the theatre. -Maybe it's in the lost and found. -I know. I have to go check it out. It's a beautiful button. It's antique ivory. It was my mother's.

-Hey, everybody. -Whoa, Elaine! Once again you've managed to top yourself.

Look, honey, I know you're trying to get Lloyd to notice you but this is too much. Parading around in a wet T-shirt. I got sprayed with a hose.

You know, I've been looking all over for it. -Did you find it here? -It was in the lost and found. -Shall I undo it? -Yes, of course. -Oh, thank you. -I'm a little ticklish.

Elaine fantasizes about a song: 'Oh, Elaine, you are so beautiful. So, so beautiful. Not to mention your personality, which is so, so interesting. If you want, you can quit your job and never work again.'

Awkward pause as Elaine reluctantly reveals intimate details: 'Well, actually, he doesn't really like to do... everything.'

Elaine's panic about 'hot-and-heavy': 'What if he tells John? Then John's gonna think that I think that we're hot-and-heavy.'

'He wrote a song about it.'

'You know, one of these days... something terrible is gonna happen to you. It has to.'

'I didn't think we were hot-and-heavy. I mean, who's hot and who's heavy?'

This woman has never, not once ever, as long as I have known her... worn a bra.

It's not a top. It's a bra.

She's wearing it as a top.

Oh, I don't think you'll have any trouble getting a table.

Who was Pippi Longstocking? - Pippi Longstocking? I don't know. Did she have anything to do with Hitler? - Hitler? Maybe.

You're married to the eye guy. - Also ear, nose and throat. - Nose. What's the worst that could happen to a nose? What does it get, stuffed?

Well, I guess the cable man doesn't like to be kept waiting. - Do you remember what they did to me 10 years ago?

Looks like the shoe is on the other foot, doesn't it? - I've never seen you like this. - You don't wanna get on my bad side.

It's just money. - So when are you getting back from Florida? - Oh, I don't know. I'll play it by ear. Why? - I don't know, just... Things seem a little more exciting when you're around.

She's in the hospital. She has an arrhythmia. - What about Marisa Tomei?

I don't have a boyfriend. - She doesn't know that. We say that you do. - It's good. Believe me. - I thought my idea was just as good. - The dentist thing? - Yeah, right. The dentist thing. - The dentist thing was not good.

Just imports? No exports? - He's an importer-exporter. Okay? - So I'm dating Art Vandelay.

Wait a minute. I thought that Art wanted to give up the exporting. - What did I say? - The importing. - I did? - So, what does he import? - Chips. - What kind of chips? - Potato. - Some corn. - And what does he export? - Diapers.

The Masai Bushmen wear these great sandals, and we're gonna knock 'em off. Not the Masai, the sandals.

It's your urine, Elaine. You've tested positive for opium. Opium? That's right, Elaine. White Lotus. Yam-yam. Shanghai Sally.

Poppies!

I need a clean urine sample from a woman.

Jerry really doesn't wash these very well. Mrs. Seinfeld, choose a glass. Pick a glass, Mrs. Seinfeld.

The Masai Bushmen wear these great sandals... and we're gonna knock them off. Not the Masai, the sandals.

It appears you will not be accompanying me to Africa. What? Why not? I'm afraid it's your urine, Elaine. You've tested positive for opium. Opium? That's right, Elaine. White Lotus. Yam-yam. Shanghai Sally.

I'll be ready in three minutes.

Wait. What are you gonna do in there? What am I gonna do in the bathroom? You gotta do me a favour. Hold on a second, Mrs. Seinfeld. I need your sample.

This one is kind of scratched. Jerry really doesn't... wash these very well. A milk glass, a juice glass. Any glass, just pick a glass. Pick a glass, Mrs. Seinfeld.

Poor bastard.

Could you repeat that? / Why don't you handle all the copyediting? / I'm... I'm sorry. What? / Copyediting. / Uh, never mind. / Elaine, you do it.

Every time Mr. Peterman tries to assign him any work, he says he can't hear. And it all gets dumped on me.

I... I'm sorry. What? / I'm kind of swamped. / Thank you.

Hey, Bob. Bob? Hey, Bobby, over here. Bob? Oh, Bob? Bob?

Well...he flinched...sort of. / What do you mean, sort of? What did he do? / Well, he kind of moved his head, you know? But it might have been on the zip-up, I don't know.

I want you so bad, Bob. You turn me on so much. You're so damn sexy. Ooh. I'm starting to unbutton. Anything getting through?

You know what? I write those. No.

Well, I love it. You what? I think it's great. I think you should get it.

You weren't supposed to say that. But I really did like it. That's not the point.

What about that guy asking you out right in front of me? What is the big deal?

How dare he? He dared.

But I barely know you. Well, we'll just have to do something about that, won't we?

Well, what about the ponytail? What about it? Come on. Ponytail? Get real.

Like a shrimp farmer... Okay.

But you said it was in the store. No, no, no. We sold out. We've had to order some more. But I thought Nicole Miller was ma... Well...

So you getting him a discount too? Well, why so surprised?

So I am positive you are wrong about Craig. Yeah, why? Because he told a man he'd give him a discount too. A man, Jerry.

There's your champagne coolie. Well, looks like it's just you and me, cowboy.

He bet me that Dustin Hoffman was in Star Wars.

I'll see you later. - All right. You don't know what you're missing.

That's just because you're a jackass.

Was this whole bet thing just a way of asking me out? - What? - I mean, Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars?

I mean, unless I'm your sister, this is a date.

To me, they capture that indefinable romance that was Camelot. -Whatever.

So he walks out of the stall. He's been talking the whole time. -He pulled an LBJ on you. -LBJ? Lyndon Johnson used to do that to his staffers.

He'd hold national security meetings in there. He planned the Hanoi bombing after a bad Thai meal.

Sue Ellen Mischke, the braless, Oh Henry! candy bar heiress.

Come to catch a glimpse of high society? -No, no, I'm actually here to bid, Sue Ellen. I mean, that is if anything's to my liking. -I'm here to catch a glimpse of high society.

Certainly not some stuck-up candy-bar heiress who flaunts herself in public without regard--

Oh, yeah. The only thing worse was his slice.

You look like Brenda Starr. -Is that good? -Better than Dondi.

I've always thought David was kind of sponge-worthy.

I've been waiting out their marriage for three years. Me too. Well, I've been waiting out two or three marriages... but this is the one I really had my eye on.

That's mine. -You have a car? -My friend lent it to me for the week. -She's out of town. -I've never seen you drive. -Me neither.

How about a left turn signal, you moron!

You know what, on my first road test, I hit a dog. I think it was a golden retriever. No, no, no, it was a yellow lab.

It's like when a tenant dies in a rent-controlled building. You gotta take immediate action.

Their grieving time is a luxury I can't afford.

Calling, calling, calling. -Why are we calling? Why do we call?

we slowly remove the two words 'for you'... and we're just there.

I mean, I was just being folksy. They could tell I was being folksy? -Yeah, I thought you were being folksy. -Totally folksy.

All right, don't make me get physical here!

You don't ask. You tell.

Start smoking. Does she hate cigarettes? Yes, she hates cigarettes. But you don't smoke. No.

So it's just gonna be me and Kramer? Yeah, just you and Kramer. Me and Kramer.

Ask her to sign a prenup. Because most women, when asked to sign a prenup... are so offended, they back out of the marriage.

I don't like her! I don't like her. I never liked her from the get-go. Everything she thinks, you think. Everything you think, she thinks. No, I can't take it.

If you can't take her, maybe you can't take me. So that's how it's gonna be? That's how it's gonna be. Oh, God help us!

You've never felt remorse. / I know. I feel bad about that.

I like to call it the 'urban sombrero.'

Isn't it Myanmar now? / Jerry, he wants me to run the catalogue.

Pair of pants, stupid story, a huge markup. I can do that.

Now, I want four new ideas from each of you by 6:00. No, make that six ideas by 4:00.

You, Jerry, are the doofus.

No, no, no, that's from Star Trek III. / The Search for Spock. / Search for Spock?

Jerry will tell you that the Wrath of Khan is the better picture, but for me, I-- / You doofus.

What is that? / The urban sombrero. I put it on the cover. / Well, nobody sees the cover.

Yes, I think I am better than the mollusk.

I flattened my hair and I had all these strands hanging in my face all the time.

What are you guys doing here? We're getting vasectomies.

Kevin's having his vasectomy reversed.

Oh, God... this tuna tastes like an old sponge.

I put her stats on the back.

He said he'd go to the Museum of Miniatures. This is something you would never, ever do. I mean, all that stuff is so small.

Would she have hooks?

If you need an extra set of hands, I know who you can call.

Shouldn't he say 'badbye'? Isn't that the opposite of goodbye?

Is he black?

Bizarro World.

Well, I gotta say, I think that that is a fantastic idea, Feldman.

What are you gonna do down there? Read.

Books, Jerry.

I can't spend the rest of my life coming into this stinking apartment every 10 minutes to pore over the excruciating minutiae of every single daily event.

It's locked.

Well, then, you're driving me wild.

Oh, I drive my people hard, and then I reward them. Like with dogs. Yeah, exactly.

Here's to those who wish us well, and those who don't can go to hell.

You want me to get it started? I'll get it started. All right. Woo!

He's like a virus. He attaches himself to a healthy host company, and the next thing you know, the entire staff is infected.

He's a bad seed, he's a horrible seed. He's one of the worst seeds I've ever seen.

George is in the bloodstream.

Whoa, whoa. Please stop. This...thing. It's dancing. No, no. That ain't dancing, sally. I dance fine. You stink.

I mean, you're a fine seed. Pick up the phone, Elaine. Pick it up! You are ruining everything.

But he's an old man, Elaine. Well, he wrote the check, and I cashed it.

Difficult?

I have to tell you, I remember that appointment exactly. You see, this nurse had asked me to put a gown on... but it was a mole on my shoulder... and actually I had specifically worn a tank top... so that I wouldn't have to put a gown on. You know, they're made of paper.

But it was in pen.

You fake erased.

Listen, you little sh...

Yeah. I sent one to everyone I know.

You remember my Christmas card? Oh, right. The nipple.

I liked the picture so much I cropped out the nipple. I'm using it for my health-club ID.

There's no Zorn or Zutroff? They're on vacation.

You're not my nurse. He has good days and bad.

It's Benes, you jackass. My last name is Benes.

I am so sorry, but I'm afraid we're gonna have to... promote you.

Well, it can't be any worse than the pointless drivel we normally churn out.

I'll give him another office on another floor, and he can sit there... with his nice title and his bayonet... and stop freaking me out.

I think there's a dead animal in the elevator. My stuffed cabbage.

Like 'strolling through a dewy meadow.'

Let's just replace 'hail of shrapnel' and 'scar tissue'... with 'string of pearls' and 'raspberry scones.'

What's with the fatigues and all the psychotic imagery, huh? I don't wanna talk about it. Come on. Don't be a baby.

Brett not responding during 'Desperado'

I'll tell you who sounds a little desperado.

I like 'Witchy Woman.' ... Oh. Witch-eh Woman.

Boogeyman. Boogey? I'm quite sure.

Doctor, I think we're losing him. ... She got the moon in her eye

Still don't know how you can call lunch with me a business expense. What do you think of the catalog? Stinks. There, we just talked business.

You use a water pick? Sure. Water pick, floss, Plax, brush, Listerine. So you go into the bathroom 11, you're in bed by what, 2?

Well, isn't the president allowed to do anything that they want? No.

Whether you're aware of it or not, George had this pathetic little plan to leave something behind so he could try and weasel a second date.

She's bluffing. She's got it stashed away in there somewhere. This is an absolute disaster. Oh, I don't know. Check this out.

Well done. Yep. This is one for our side.

He sells Russian hats down at Battery Park, 40 bucks. Forty bucks? Are they sable? No, but the difference is negligible.

This is nutria. Well, that's a... It's a kind of sable. No, it's a kind of rat.

That's a rat hat? And a poorly made one, even by rat hat standards.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Can I fire you? No.

You speak Burmese? No, Elaine, that was gibberish.

Are you an assassin? I work for your mail order catalog.

No, it's not debunk. It's totally bunk. -Isn't bunk bad? Like, 'that's a lot of bunk'? -No, something is bunk, then you debunk it.

Then I'm not really attracted you.

Can't you at least tell them what to do? -Like what? -Shouldn't he elevate his legs? -Right. Elevate your legs.

I call him doctor.

Oh, yes, you are. We'll just stop having sex.

I stopped having sex with Ben three days ago and I don't know no Portuguese.

'Winnie-the-' blank. -Pooh. -Poo.

Is Kramer home?

"Cancer in laboratory animals."

Stabbed? More bread?

I mean, to be stabworthy, you know? It's kind of a compliment.

Was that the one? Was that the one who stabbed you? No, that was a different girl.

To me, that's an important part of a relationship. What's more important?

That's it? That's the best you got?

It's almost a compliment. It's one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me.

The one that sits atop my disproportionately puny body. I'm a walking candy apple.

Or jam a fork into his forehead. Either way.

Vincent is an art-house goon. / Gene? Oh, he's so stupid and mainstream.

Who is this? / It's Vincent. / Of Vincent's picks? / The same.

Kramer wants to die with dignity. / There's a feather in your cap.

Look, just tell him you had sex with his wife. That'll get him.

You have liver, kidneys and gallbladder... but no central nervous system. / Well, I gotta have a central nervous system.

An old woman experiences pain and yearning. / A hundred and ninety-two minutes?

Bernie is dead, you morons. Just because he's wearing sunglasses, he looks alive?

How long is this weekend, anyway?

A Gene pick. How could you? I thought we had something special. / No, it doesn't mean anything. I'm not even gonna rewind it.

I didn't know it was possible not to know that.

Gene's trash. / I'm Gene.

Boy, look how far back it goes. It's like a tooth.

You're strange and beautiful and sensitive.

We have the same taste in movies.

You might be more than just a couple of tweaks away from a healthy relationship.

What am I, a bulimic, chain-smoking stenographer from Staten Island?

It's not Suz, all right? It's Susie. My name is Susie.

But there is no way I'm gonna be a Suz.

What am I? Some pom-pom waving, back-seat bimbo?

Well, there's only one thing to do. Eliminate her. / What? / Get rid of Susie. Make her disappear.

She took her own life.

My real funeral's not gonna come close to this.

I'm not Susie. I'm Elaine. / But I've been calling you Susie. / Hadn't noticed. Excuse me.

I'm Susie. She's me. / I feel the same way.

Maybe we'll just stand and watch the TV.

Mattress? I didn't order a mattress. Who sent this?

I went clamming the other day and I forgot to hose off my boots. Clamming? Yeah, I clam and scallop.

I am trapped under a funky mattress.

When someone turns 21, they usually get drunk the first night. / Booze is not a religion. / Tell that to my father.

Where was I? / It was when you were engaged. / Oh, I gotta get on that Internet. I'm late on everything.

Well, you're both so... striking.

I mean, he barely even knew me. Where did he get off--? [long pause] But they're great people.

Well, I... Uh, you know, I just told them what kind people you are and, uh... how Arnie's a big movie buff and yada, yada, yada.

You don't think she'd yada yada sex? / I've yada yada-ed sex.

But you yada yada-ed over the best part. / No, I mentioned the bisque.

Well, I don't know. I mean, I talked to him and blah, blah, blah. He asked about you guys and da, da-da, da-da. More questions. Blah, blah, blah.

Slipped out.

Now, we can do this the easy way, or... we can do this... the fun way.

Where's Beth? / She ran out to get her head shaved.

I think that I was in that theater. That was really funny.

This really sticks in my craw.

And tell me what time it is in New York, you are going home in a body bag.

Shut up or I'll snap you in half and stuff you in the overhead.

Hello. Oh, no. I'm sorry. Oh, no. No!

Oh, I gotta start taking these 'stupid' warnings more seriously.

My Puddy? / We broke up. / And yet he continues to live.

George? / No. No. No. / Well, I was here. That's everyone.

Your hair, it's somewhat depoofed. / Oh, it's the new look, you know? Heroin chic.

I am not calling Puddy.

What did I do with my gloves? Oh, I bet I left them over at Puddy's. I should call him. I need those gloves. No, I better not. I'll call him. Oh, look at that. There are the gloves. I was just about to call. And there they are. That's funny. That's really funny. That is really, really funny. You know who loves funny stories? David Puddy.

I love just seeing you and having sex. / Not having to do all that... work. / All that calling you and buying stuff. / Hearing about how everyone at work isn't as smart as you. It's brutal.

Get those clothes off. You're spending the night. / We're gonna cuddle. / What?

That was a doozy. / Go again? / Book it.

Listen, David, I've gotta run. Can you lend me 50 bucks?

You know, why were we fooling ourselves? We belong together. / Elaine, I wanna break up. / Nuts.

Sorry, I'm fixing a screen door in the Bronx. / I'll do it. / Really, you wanna come? / Yeah, I love going to the country.

You know, if you don't bring a guest, they save on catering. Should be able to buy a cheaper gift. / Oh, I don't think that's possible.

Tongue? / Yeah. / I didn't try that till I was 23.

Well, this kid's not just a man, he's a man's man. / And I think he's been telling his friends. I got invitations to six more bar mitzvahs.

You are 13 and I am in my early 20s. / But I'm a man. The rabbi said so. / No, you are not a man. It takes a long time to become a man. I mean, half my friends aren't even there yet.

Look at your father. It takes time, patience, experience... several careers of varying success.

You let out one emotion, all the rest will come with it. It's like Endora's box. / That was the mother on Bewitched. You mean Pandora. / Yeah, well, she had one too.

You've got shiks-appeal. / What? / It means non-Jewish woman. / I know what it means. But what does being a shiksa have to do with it? / Jewish men love a woman that's not like their mother.

What are you looking at? / Sit down, Elaine. / Oh, no, Jerry, I can't take any more gentle sobbing.

Maybe we should get married. Maybe everything we need is right here in front of us. Jer, let's do it. / I tell you, I don't see it happening.

What happened to the new Jerry? / He doesn't work here anymore.

Well, I'm glad I got to see him before he hit puberty and got... you know, all lurchy and awkward.

Do I know anyone? If you think of anybody, give me a call.

Who wants to be responsible? Whenever anything goes wrong... the first thing they ask is, 'Who's responsible for this?'

Oh, handful of sunshine. I wish I could do this every day.

Scissor mishap, air show disaster, Chinese organ thieves.

And then he put this plastic bag over his head... and started running around until he got tired... and he laid down somewhere.

Sleepy here's quite a weasel. Maybe he can bat for you... Yeah. That's what I need. A pinch weasel.

You're making this up. There was never a Joseph Garnish.

Hey, your coffee stain looks like Fidel Castro. You've been an enormous help.

So he just sidles up? That's right. He's a real sidler.

I was sitting making Cup-a-Soup... singing that song from The Lion King. 'Hakuna Matata'? I thought I was alone.

You sidle? You stomp around like a Clydesdale.

You're spontaneous. You're symmetrical.

He's a human maraca.

The only gum I liked came with the Mickey Mouse gumball machine. They stopped making that 20 years ago. Well, stinky, this is your lucky day.

Oh, well, hey, I dated Jerry too. I know what a monster he can be.

How was the doctor date? It died on the table.

Dermatologists. Skin doesn't need a doctor. Of course not. Wash it, dry it, move on.

So you've done this? Almost. Couldn't get the girl to go out with me a second time.

I got a piece of my heel stuck in the slicer.

I got a little slicer-happy.

What'd he give you for it? Aloe.

So, Elaine, are you gonna sleep with me or what?

I'm too tired to even vomit at the thought.

And I gotta tell you, it was very mechanical.

Pinter? He used to be called Peter.

Come on, Sue Ellen, you don't wear a bra... you're tall. We hate each other.

Spite never sleeps. Especially when you got a layover in Sarajevo.

Why do you keep saying Nina? I don't know. Nina. Nina.

So you think it's a non-vite. It's an un-vitation.

Let me smell you. All right. Whiff away.

Peggy, we gotta talk. What is it about me that you find so offensive?

She thinks I made her sick because I coughed on her doorknob, rubbed her stapler in my armpit and put her keyboard on my butt. Yeah. She's a wacko.

The male body is utilitarian. It's for getting around. It's like a Jeep.

It's hideous. The hair, the lumpiness. It's simian.

I still have trouble looking at those disgusting old bedroom slippers she slobs around in. Hey, I've had those since college. They're bunnies.

You have a garbage disposal in your bathtub? Oh, yeah, and I use it all the time. I made this whole meal in there.

This food was in the shower with you? I prepared it as I bathed.

Spell's out 'No Elaine.' Isn't that eight letters? The extra E is for...

Oh, no. I bet I wrote that fake number on the back of it when I gave it to Denim Vest.

I've eaten 23 bad subs. I just need one more. It's like a long bad movie, but you wanna see the end of it.

Lady, if you want a sandwich, I'll make you a sandwich. I want the one that I earned.

My new salesman boyfriend took me out to celebrate his promotion. Oh, where'd you go? To a restaurant. Arby's.

Hey, where's Puddy? The copy machine is broken. That's what they want you to think.

Isn't that from your act, like, 10 years ago? It was a good bit in the '80s, and it's still relatable today.

High-five. On the flip side. David, l... Don't leave me hanging.

You're a salesman now. The high-five is... It's very grease monkey. What did I tell you about that? I'm sorry. But the high-five is just so stupid. Oh, yeah? I'll tell you what's stupid. You, stupid.

You know, just that you cared enough to call means so much, Jerry.

Clearly, no one else can stand to be with either one of you. I guess. Good point.